Turing test

Guy in suit comes in and stands at the front. Mary was tied up on the phone, and Pissy's staff had run out to pick up lunch. So I walked over to deal with him.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, can I help you?"

Suit guy: "HI! I'm your rep for the all-new Ginsu surgery center! Are YOU" (points finger at me) "Dr. Grumpy?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, yeah, but I don't do..."

Suit guy: "I'm here to get YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "to start doing YOUR outpatient procedures at the all-new Ginsu surgery center! What kind of outpatient surgical procedures do you do that we can help YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "with?"

Dr. Grumpy: "None, actually, I'm a neurologist and..."

Suit guy: "Of course you do! ALL doctors have procedures! Which ones do YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "do?"


(I look around. I'm alone. I hear Mary, with Pissy's returned secretary, out in the hall trying not to crack up in hysterics)


Dr. Grumpy: "EEG's. But those aren't..."

Suit guy: "We don't do THOSE at the all-new Ginsu surgery center, but we can help YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "achieve better results on your outpatient laparoscopic appendectomies, gall bladder removals, and orthopedic arthroscopies. Why don't YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "give the all-new Ginsu surgery center a try? I bet YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "would be pleasantly surprised at what we can do for YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "and your patients!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but you're wasting your time here. I'm a neurologist. I don't do surgery of any kind."


Long pause


Suit guy: "None at all?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Zero. Nada. Zilch."

Suit guy: "Okay, so what do you, um, Dr. Grumpy" (sort-of points finger at me) "as a, uh neurologist doctor do, exactly?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I sit at a desk all day and try to look smart."


Longer pause


Suit guy: "Um, I mean... uh..."


He left.

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that shape your world.



DATELINE: FLORIDA: Xavier Moran was in a car accident, and told police that his dashboard camera could prove he was cut off by another driver. To prove it he turned the camera over to police and signed a waiver allowing them to search the data file.

Unfortunately, the same camera also had footage of Mr. Moran using a baseball bat to burglarize a beauty supply store a few hours prior to his accident.

He was arrested for the burglary. No word yet on whether someone really did cut him off in traffic.



DATELINE: NEW YORK: Police were mobilized last Thursday after someone reported an escaped tiger running loose in Manhattan.

Investigating officers found it was actually a racoon.

A local news reporter suggested the caller visit a zoo to learn the difference.

The racoon has been turned over to the ASPCA.




DATELINE: not sure, somewhere in the U.S.

A reader sent in this pic of an, uh, innovative way to replace a broken rear window:

Special

Now I really feel valued. Thanks, Medscape!

Thank you, CU!

Teenage boys

Craig texted me after his zoology/botany class.

Mary's desk

Lady comes in, stands at counter.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Lady: "I'm here for my blood draw."

Mary: "We don't do labs draws here... Are you one of Dr. Grumpy's patients?"

Lady: "No, I'm enrolled in the research study, and was told I needed to have my blood drawn."

Mary: "Oh, okay. You're looking for the research center. They're 2 doors down the hall. Just go out  and take a left."

Lady: "You know, you people don't make it very easy to participate in your studies. I mean, I drove all the way here from south Grumpyville, and now you're refusing to draw my labs."

Mary: "You're not in the right office for that, ma'am. It's 2 doors down the hall, on your left. They have a big sign that says "Medical Research."

Lady: "Who is in charge here?"

Mary: "Uh, Dr. Grumpy."

Lady: "I want you to know I'm reporting your unhelpful attitude to him. Getting here on time wasn't easy."

Mary: "But..."

Lady: "Have a nice day."

Walks out.

Majority rules

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other questions?"

Mrs. Kroger: "I just can't believe you don't think I have Parkinson's disease! They all said I did!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Who's 'they?' Your other doctors?"

Mrs. Kroger: "No, the cashiers over at Grocery World."

Helpful

Seen on an office intake form.

House hunting

Mr. Patient and his wife come in. She's staring intently at something on her phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, folks. Have a seat.  How you been doing, sir?"

Mr. Patient: "Better, that medicine has really helped a lot and..."

Mrs. Patient "Mike, what do you think of the kitchen?" (shows him phone)

Mr. Patient: "Looks fine to me."

Mrs. Patient "I think it's too small."

Voice from phone: "Ma, you'll get used to it. You guys go out for dinner every night, anyway."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, what's going on?"

Mrs. Patient: "We're thinking of moving to San Diego, and our son is showing us places he's looking at for us on Facetime."

Dr. Grumpy: "So about the new medication, have you had any side effects?"

Mr. Patient: "No, actually I've been... Steven, is that the garage? I need more space than that for my woodworking stuff."

Mrs. Patient: "It's not like you ever use it. I was going to donate it to charity rather than drag it cross country."

Mr. Patient: "The hell you will! I use it more than you use the kitchen."

Voice from phone: "Dad, be reasonable."

Mrs. Patient: "Your father is never reasonable. Haven't you learned that? Mike, answer the doctor's question."

Mr. Patient: "I forgot what it was."

Dr. Grumpy: "Any side effects?"

Mr. Patient: "No. Steven, is there a community pool?"

Spring break

My kids are off from school this week, so heading west to visit family and avoid snow.

In the interim, I leave you this thought.

When all we see in the news is the capacity of the human brain at it's worst (insane politicians, terrorists, and people with machine guns massacring school kids), it's easy to forget that same brain is also capable of things that are good, innovative, and entertaining.

Here's the Brazilian comedy team Barbixas. No knowledge of Portuguese is required.

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: MINNESOTA

A teenage girl failed her driving test in spectacular fashion this week.

Photo: Buffalo, MN Police Department.

At the beginning of her driver's license behind-the-wheel exam, she put the test car into drive instead of reverse, jumping onto the sidewalk and plowing through the front of the building.

The same building where the office to take the driving exam was located.

No one, fortunately, was seriously injured.



DATELINE: DELAWARE

Christopher McDowell walked into the local police headquarters and asked if someone could give him a ride home.

Police officers quickly noticed that Mr. McDowell was:

1. Drunk (at least he wasn't driving, though. Good boy!)
2. The guy who was wanted for shoplifting and fraudulent returns at Kohl's.

He was taken into custody, charged with shoplifting, and released on bond.

Afterwards he was allowed to call for a ride home, and contacted his friend April Wright.

When she arrived to pick him up, police noticed Ms. Wright was the other person wanted for the same shoplifting crime at Kohl's.

She was then also arrested, charged with shoplifting, and released on bond.

The article doesn't say if she got to drive them both home afterwards.



DATELINE: COLORADO

Visitors to The Dinosaur Experience got more than their money's worth when the attraction's animatronic Tyrannosaurus Rex suddenly burst into flames.

Photo: Royal Gorge Dinosaur Experience.

 
When the fire, caused by an electrical short, started it appeared Mr. Rex had suddenly become Godzilla and was breathing fire. It quickly became apparent that something more was afoot.

The blaze was safely contained, and no one was injured. The owners report that a new Tyrannosaurus should be ready by summer.




DATELINE: FLORIDA

Two men were arrested following the burglary of a home. They tried to cover up the crime by burning down the house with Ragu-brand tomato sauce.

The owner of the home received a text that his alarm had gone off while he was at work, and called police.

Officers arrested the two men at the scene. They'd left a pot of the pasta sauce on the stove with a washcloth, hoping to burn down the house and make it look like an accidental fire.

Besides stolen items, the men also had an empty jar of Ragu in their car.

For unknown reasons, one of the suspects was wearing a bull-costume onesie when arrested.

Wednesday re-runs

Lunch today was from a new drug rep, pushing a sleeping pill.

She made the MAJOR mistake of rudely talking down to the office staff, letting them know they are peons, and that she only deals with doctors. This pisses me off, and even worse, it pisses them off.

Anyway, her sleeping pill's claim to fame is that patients who take it get an average of 7.8 hours of sleep. As a result, they have little pamphlets with this fact, and the rep had a big button on her jacket that said "Are your patients getting 7.8 hours every night?"

During lunch she left her jacket over the back of a chair outside our break room. While she was talking I noticed 2 of the office ladies disappear for a few minutes.

When Ms. Drugrep was leaving she put her jacket back on, and brought me an iPad to sign for samples. As I scribbled I noticed that the button on her jacket had been altered, and now said "Are your patients getting 7.8 inches every night?"

She has no clue, either. And I'll probably never find out what happens.

Annie's desk

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Car: "Hi, I see Dr. Grumpy, and I just got a letter from the MVD that they're going to revoke my driver's license unless my neurologist fills out a form."

Annie: "Okay, why don't you make an appointment and bring it in. Let me transfer you to Mary... You know, it looks like you were last here about 7 years ago, and sent us a letter to release your records to a doctor across the country?"

Mr. Car: "Yeah, I moved here 7 years ago."

Annie: "So are you back now?"

Mr. Car: "No, I still live here in Faraway state. It's their MVD that sent me this form."

Annie: "Well, Dr. Grumpy can't fill out forms on someone he hasn't seen in 7 years. For that matter, I'm not even sure if he can do them for a state he doesn't have a medical license in. Did you ever see a neurologist there?"

Mr. Car: "Of course. But the copay to see him is $40, and I haven't seen him in about a year, and he wanted me to come in to get it done and get my refills and all, so I thought Dr. Grumpy would do it for free."

Annie: "No, he'd have to see you in person after this much time, and if you're on the other side of the country you'd be better off..."

Mr. Car: "But I don't want to pay the $40 for some bullshit paperwork! Can't Dr. Grumpy call my doctor here and ask him to waive the copay?"

Annie: "No, he's not going to do that. Unless you're going to come back and see Dr. Grumpy, this is between you and your neurologist there."

Mr. Car: "Can you call around Faraway and see if you can find someone who'll see me for free? I really don't have time to waste on this."

Artisinal mailbag

All right, here's some more artisanal bullshit you guys have sent in.


If you feed your cow artisanal grass, what comes out the other end?

Very few chains are as ubiquitous and generic in America as Walgreen's, and yet they apparently carry artisanal stuff. Which I'm pretty sure was "handmade" by a machine in southeast Asia.

"How stylish can you get?"

Making toast is right up there with boiling water and putting chips in a bowl as far as culinary skills go, but apparently you can now take your "putting bread in a toaster and pushing down in the handle" skills to a whole new level for only $24.95 with...

Even videogames are now into it:

At this point I'm ready for a drink

Butt you just knew someone would sell this:

Order it with the toast book and make Scotch Woodcock!

Shopping

I have a pretty good rapport with my patients, tossing jokes and mild insults back and forth during a visit. It's just part of the way I practice. Most of them like it, since it flies both ways. Patients that don't gravitate elsewhere.

But sometimes it has its consequences.

One of them, Ted, is an older fellow who works weekends at Costco, running sample stations. When he shows up they tell him where he'll be working that day. He briefly reads up on the product and sets up a table.

Yesterday, as I picked up some items to feed the teenage horde, I saw him at a table over by the pharmacy and waved.

He yelled "HEY, DOC! I'M SAMPLING ADULT DIAPERS TODAY! GOTTA LEAKY BLADDER? COME ON OVER HERE AND TAKE ONE!"

And he waved a free sample in the air at me.

My kids (and everyone else nearby) cracked up.

I yelled back "Ted, you're a dead man!"