Friday, November 25, 2011

New page

All right, fans, I've been busy preparing the 2011 edition of the Dr. Grumpy Gift Guide, but it won't be ready for a few days.

However, for those of you already looking for information on semen-shaped jewelry, pink & green men's slacks with giraffes on them, alarm clocks that run away from you, and the other fine products I've featured in the past, there's now

(drum roll)

The Dr. Grumpy Gift Guide page!


It covers my recommendations from 2009 & 2010, and you can visit it by clicking on the above link, or by looking for it down on the right sidebar.

Happy shopping!

Land of idiot shoppers

I have no idea what to say. Just read it.

Thank you, everyone who sent this in!

Black friday deals

So I was surfing Amazon for one of the naval fiction books I like. Check out the awesome "bargain" deals on this one!

(click to enlarge)





I could be up all night wondering which I should order...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving, 2011

We will never know exactly when it happened, but in my opinion it was the most important event in human history.

Somewhere, probably in Africa (maybe Asia), there was a meeting.

A branch of the primate family that had started walking upright, and a cousin of the gray wolf, first set eyes on each other. And both realized this relationship had potential.

The records show we've been together for at least 15,000 years, but I suspect dogs (and their ancestors) have been leading us around for much longer. It's impossible not to see how useful they must have been as an alarm system and hunting partner going back to our cave days. And being with us gave them steady access to a food supply. So this has been a win-win relationship from the start. Dogs gave humans a better chance to survive, and vice-versa. So we grew up together.

When humans first came across the Bering Strait, they brought dogs with them. There's even the possibility that they couldn't have made the trip without dogs to pull their sleds.

Most relationships would get old after this long, but not us. If anything, our need for them has increased over time, but in different ways. We may not need hunting partners as much, but their incredible skills for guide/assistance animals, security, search & rescue, and many other jobs, make them invaluable.

Sometimes they can even drive us around (Thank you, Doreen!)

But the most basic part of the deal is still companionship. Humans seem to have an instinctive need for different species companionship. And they like us, too. Because of the nature of the Grumpy household (3 dogs) there is inevitably at least one in our bed at night, and another in a kid's bed. There's something very primordial about dozing off next to a dog. You can envision our mutual ancestors in a cave, with a fire in the background, huddling together with a wild dog for warmth. And as you fall asleep, the dog has one eye on the entrance to warn you of danger.

And on that note, for those of you who didn't notice her name added last month, I'd like to introduce Mello:




How much is that doggy in the window?


Mello is maybe 2 years old, and was found wandering downtown Grumpyville by employees at Mrs. Grumpy's job. She had no collar or chip, and after combing through multiple lost pet sites, and looking for "lost dog" signs, we were unable to locate her owner. So she has now joined Snowball and Cooper in the Grumpy insane asylum.





Making herself at home.

She is an awesome dog, and we are lucky to have her. Great dogs can be found anywhere. All of the Grumpy dogs have been rescue animals, and if you're looking for a new companion, I recommend adopting from your local shelter.

You (and your new friend) will be thankful you did.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Today's quiz: Drug ads

The lady in this picture:

(click to enlarge)





A. Is doing the neurology mating ritual.

B. Will be electrocuted if she touches a light switch.

C. Hates shag carpeting.

D. Is performing an interpretive dance to "If I Only had a Brain"

E. Is supposed to have Restless Leg Syndrome.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Patient quote of the day

"It was a serious fall. I cracked all the tibias in my arms, legs, and back."

Monday, November 21, 2011

If I have to hear it, you do too

For some reason today I've been infected with an earworm, featuring this classic Monty Python number. So, since I seem to be stuck with it, I'm sharing it with you guys.


Mary, make an appointment for her

It is never a good sign when:

The Monday before Thanksgiving a drug rep who sells Alzheimer's medication drops off a jack-o-lantern bag full of cookies, with a note that says "Happy Halloween!"

Ever.

Sunday morning, 2:18 a.m.

My cell phone wakes me with a message. It's a patient with a relatively urgent question.

I knew the call would take a while, so stopped in the bathroom, then walked to my home office, flipped on my computer, and opened the patient's chart. This took maybe 5 minutes from the original message.

Then I dialed him up.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call."

Mr. Etiquette: "Um, huh, oh."

Dr. Grumpy: "You called me?"

Mr. Etiquette: "Man, you just woke me up."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sorry. What can I do for you?"

Mr. Etiquette: "Took you long enough to call back, and I dozed off again. I can't believe you woke me up."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, in your call you said..."

Mr. Etiquette: "That doesn't matter. I can't believe you woke me up. This is incredibly rude."

(hangs up)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

How can I leave this behind?

Okay. There are many ways to give yourself a bigger butt if you so desire (I personally like eating PB M&M's).

But injecting your ass with "Fix-a-Flat" isn't one of them.

Thank you, Rick & EMTGFP!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Medical marijuana




In my career I've caught 5 patients smoking marijuana in the hospital, roughly 2 years apart from each other.

For reasons I don't understand, all 5 times they were in the same telemetry room.

There is nothing special about this room. It's a generic room on the 7th floor, facing the nurses station, but no more or less so than any other room. Different nurses have come and gone. But patients keep smoking weed in there.

Room 7310 is truly one of the great mysteries of the universe.



Friday, November 18, 2011

More fun with Mary

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Miss Meyer: "Hi! I'm having terrible back pain and need to get into Dr. Grumpy right away! It's an emergency. I can't even sit for more than a few minutes!"

Mary: "Well, you're in luck. Our 3:00 patient just canceled, so he can see you this afternoon."

Miss Meyer: "Oh, I can't do that. I have tickets for the premier of 'Breaking Dawn.' "

Nuts and bolts

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Lost: "Hi, I can't find your office."

Mary: "Okay, where are you?"

Mr. Lost: "I'm at the hardware store, like you said."

Mary: "I said we were across from the hospital."

Mr. Lost: "Oh. Well, I'm at the hardware store, in paints."

Mary: "Well, your appointment is NOW. Can you come over here?"

Mr. Lost: "It would be a lot easier to find if you guys were in the hardware store. I think more people come here than the hospital."

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Today's criminal tip

When going to court, keep in mind:

1. Don't steal a car to get there.

2. Don't park the stolen vehicle in the police department's lot.

Like this lady.
 
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