Death by Magnet

Dear MRI facility,

My reader Jeanette was kind enough to send me the pamphlet you left at her office, showing the advantages of your new, non-claustrophobic, no-tube MRI machine.




I did a highly unscientific poll of claustrophobic patients since then, and all agreed that they'd rather get Valium and do a regular MRI than your "simulated lynching" technique.

But, since I often occasionally sit here and think about strangling my patients, I'll be sure to keep you in mind.

They drive me crazy

Mr. Ophth: "Since the fall I've had trouble seeing. Everything is blurry and out of focus."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you hit your head?"

Mr. Ophth: "No, but I broke my glasses."

Annie's desk, September 12, 2011

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Clostridium: "Yeah, I was wondering if my Botox for migraines got approved yet."

Annie: "Hang on... No, your insurance denied it. You only have 2 migraine days per month, and it's only covered for patients who have 15 or more migraine days per month."

Mrs. Clostridium: "But I really want Botox. Can he give me something that will make me have more migraines?"

Sunday rounds

I got dragged in to the hospital yesterday for a consult.


Dr. Grumpy: "When did this start?"

Mrs. Stroke: "On Wednesday. I was doing some errands, and suddenly noticed I was dragging my right leg."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why did you wait until today to come to the hospital?"

Mrs. Stroke: "My daughter-in-law's baby shower was yesterday. They don't set themselves up, you know."

Medical news

Since I had to spend yesterday outside at a park, I dragged a pile of dusty old journals with me to do some reading. And I learned that:


Patients who have migraines with nausea are more miserable than patients who have migraines without nausea (though neither group liked having them).

Pain Medicine News, August 2011

The best predictor for improvement in a chronic migraine patient is that they have fewer migraines.

Neurology, February, 2011.



Cancer patients with frequent pain have a lower quality of life than cancer patients with no pain.

Pain Medicine News, April, 2010



People on higher doses of narcotics are more likely to accidentally overdose than people on low-dose narcotics.

Pain Medicine News, April, 2010

Weekend video

Due to a bunch of Boy Scout crud today, I'm just going to post the horrifying "People of Walmart" music video.

In a bizarre twist, I've noticed that after watching it once or twice my brain starts to fill in the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", though the People of Walmart music continues.

Patient quote of the day

"I want to find a new GI doctor. I can never get in to see my current one. The only face time I ever had with her was during my colonoscopy."

Spirochetes: Bringing joy wherever they go

This showed up on my fax machine last night:





Because, you know, people always look that happy when told they should be tested for syphilis.

Weenie barbecue

In spite of my daily attempts to keep patients sane (at the expense of myself, Annie, and Mary) bizarre news continues to happen.

Thank you, Katy!

Define "fatal"

Mr. Reaper: "Sorry I had to cancel last month. My mom had a fatal heart attack."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry."

Mr. Reaper: "It's okay. She's better now, and just started cardiac rehab."

Love and marriage

Dr. Grumpy: "Anything else going on?"

Mr. Discord: "My wife and I are having a lot of conflict. I have these health problems, and she's more concerned with other junk than she is with me."

Lady Discord: "That's not true! I always put you first."

Mr. Discord: "So we're going to counseling..."

(Lady Discord whips out iPhone, starts texting)

Mr. Discord: "What are you doing?"

Lady Discord: "Updating my Facebook status, so my friends know we're at the doctor."

Tonight's forecast: Cold. And not getting any warmer.

As I've said before, this blog is mostly about the insanity of medical practice.

But sometimes things are too weird not to share...

Some of you have written asking way I only post links, rather than the stories themselves. I do this to avoid any sort of copyright issues.

Cartoon characters gone bad

When robbing a convenience store you should wear a disguise.

Some disguises are better than others.

Thank you, LJ!

Unwanted attention

A doctor in my building is retiring, and selling off his practice's stuff.

So yesterday morning he put signs all over the building saying "OFFICE CLOSING! EVERYTHING MUST GO! FURNITURE! OFFICE SUPPLIES! COMPUTER! MEDICAL EQUIPMENT" with his phone number and suite in surprisingly small print at the bottom.

And, on my floor, he put the flier right outside my office.

So all day long Pissy and I's staff were inundated by people coming in to see what we're selling, making us offers on the lobby chairs, asking our staff if they needed new jobs, etc.

And, of course, the way rumors spread I've gotten several calls from other docs who've heard I'm closing up. And panicked patients who are afraid they'll have to find a new neurologist.