Public Service Announcement

Attention kids: It is NOT safe to pet an alligator.

Especially if it is a stranger telling you to do so.

You're not supposed to talk to them, so WHY THE HELL would you listen when one tells you to play with a gator?

Thank you, Lee!

Lost in translation

While doing an online research survey this morning, I encountered this question, which bizarrely switches between Portuguese and English in the same sentence:

(click to enlarge)

Huh?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Mendel: "My first cousin was adopted, so I have no idea what my aunt had."

Rhyme and verse

Some days I think the staff at Local Hospital tries to invent new ways to torment me. This message was left on my voice mail last night:

"Dr. Grumpy, this is Local Hospital.

We have a consult for you
In room 722
Call me at extension 16742

First name Mel, last name Bell
He fell, and doesn't feel well
Requesting physician is Dr. Patel
When you call back, his nurse is Nell."


For doing this to me, you people can go to hell.

Dude, am I driving?

Another fine moment in alcohol use.

Memories...

In medical school I (briefly) joined a local singles group.

The only event I remember going to was a dinner party at someone's apartment.

Me and another guy (even more geeky than me, and he was quite drunk, which didn't help) were both interested in the same girl (I think she was the only pretty one there. Possibly the only female there at all).

Anyway, I won, and she ended up leaving with me to go get a drink afterwards.

A week later I discovered the geeky guy was an Internal Medicine attending. At my medical school.

And I was assigned to him for a week.

He, fortunately, either didn't remember me (he'd been pretty drunk) or was pretending not to remember me (didn't want to admit losing the girl to a med student).

Things that go BOOM!

Instead of a regular post...

With this year's July 4th fireworks behind us, here are some of the odder explosive-related news stories I've been sent.

1. A guy who tried modifying them in his kitchen.

2. A school with an explosive way of starting classes.

3. A gentlemen who, in lieu of regular fireworks, lit a military-grade explosive (not for the squeamish).

Pick-up lines from a pizza

I'd like to thank Webhill for sending in this picture from a pizza place.

(click to enlarge)

Concern

Mrs. Regan-Goneril: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Mrs. Regan-Goneril, this is Dr. Grumpy, the neurologist taking care of your mom. We met last night at the hospital. I wanted to update you on her condition, as things have changed in the last few hours, and..."

Mrs. Regan-Goneril: "I'm at the salon. Just tell me in one word what is wrong with my mother, because I'm busy and they haven't even done my nails yet."

"Hey! Let's get drunk, steal a gator, and go 4-wheeling!"

I just don't understand people.

Random memories of Monday

For Independence Day the Grumpys went to a local fair with rides and music and places to let your kids burn off energy while waiting for the fireworks to start.

We stopped at Local Grocery to buy tickets and pick up some tomatoes. Inside a couple in the floral section was fighting LOUDLY.

What was the dispute?

She was insisting that July 4th is one of those holidays where you're supposed to buy your wife/girlfriend flowers.

Now, I can understand this if it happened to also be her birthday. Or their anniversary. But it was pretty clear from their screaming that it was neither.

I didn't get it, either.

__________________________________


At the fair several sponsoring businesses had set up booths to advertise their stuff. One was from Local Cancer Treatment Center, where a lady handed out pamphlets and told people about their new treatment and research protocols.

During the entire time she never stopped smoking.


__________________________________


One booth was handing out prizes to kids who scored a bullseye. Winners had their choice of candy, a little stuffed animal, an airplane toy, or sunscreen.

They definitely weren't going to run out of sunscreen.

Dear Ms. Patient,

I'm sorry to hear you've fired me, and that you're irate you owe me $200.

You've been here 3 times in the last 6 weeks for various issues. Each time, as per office procedure, Mary asked if your insurance or address had changed, and each time you said no.

Last week we learned that not only HAD your insurance changed, but it was to a plan I don't take.

When my billing service called you about this, your reaction was "well, if my last insurance covered him, my new one should." Wrong.

And you just left Mary a scathing voicemail claiming that it's OUR fault for just taking your word on the insurance, instead of demanding that we see a copy of your card at every visit. Silly us, we assumed you'd tell us if it changed. That's why we ask each time.

I also loved the part about you threatening to turn me into the state board and "giving you bad reviews on all the internet rating sites" if I didn't forgive the $200.

This is no different than shoplifting. If you stole $200 worth of merchandise from a store, they'd press criminal charges. I can't do that, but I can turn you over to collections. I don't care if you're stupid, pretending to be stupid, or just malicious, but this is what I do for a living. You were more than happy to accept my treatments, and signed a bill after each visit.

Have a nice day.

Mary, give this man an appointment

My office has 3 overhead fluorescent light fixtures. When I came in today the one over my desk had burned out.

No biggie. I called maintenance, and they sent Mr. Repairman over.

He comes into my office, and looks at all 3 light fixtures. After a minute he points to the dark one over my desk and says "Doc, is this the one that isn't working?"

Show him the BaRF!

Medicine is full of rating scales. This is a new one to me.

It's used to ask kids how nauseous they are. And it is, I swear, called the Baxter Retching Faces (or BaRF) scale.