Monday, February 1, 2016

Google

Yesterday morning Craig was up early and trying to cook pearl barley for breakfast (no, I have no idea why, considering we have a pantry full of instant oatmeal). So, in the enterprising nature of modern life, he grabbed an iPad to ask Google how to cook pearl barley. As he typed some suggestions came up:




He woke me up (it was my day off, thanks Craig) laughing at this screen.

Drug addicts: I'm not sure microwaving urine will destroy whatever's in it, but it will give it that toasty "fresh from the bladder" warmth. Don't put it in for too long, or your parole officer will wonder why your urinary tract operates on the Kelvin scale. It will also make your kitchen and microwave stink (attention readers: do not try this at home).

For the record, when Craig discovered it took > 1 minute to microwave barley he decided on instant oatmeal.

I didn't even try to go back to bed.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Last night (briefly) the thought of making steel cut oats seemed a good idea. It's cold here in the midwest this morning! But, alas, it was cold generic round-shaped cereal, some sort of whole grain 'o's.

Anonymous said...

They used to teach how to boil water in 'home ec'. Now, it is 'life skills' or some such, ('navigating the cooking unit' for millennials?) Liberal use of the microwave is recommended in our home as certain members find difficulty remembering something is cooking on the stove until the fire alarm goes off.

Anonymous said...

Is that how they spell 'pee' these days?

Officer Cynical said...

This makes no sense, considering that McDonald's now serves breakfast all day.

Yoko Drāno said...

Pro tip: it's a lot easier and less messy if you piss in the cup first, and THEN put it in the microwave.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't your microwave come with a "pee" button, right above "popcorn?"

Anonymous said...

Pro tip #2: if you work at a drug testing lab, don't warm up any food in the microwave.

Anonymous said...

Just follow the instructions on the package, and don't forget to stir halfway through.

Donovan said...

They call me Mellow Yellow...

Anonymous said...

If you don't have a microwave handy, you can always heat it up using a lighter and a spoon. But you already knew that.

a.generic doc said...

The joy of Google's autocomplete suggestions. They give you the chance to find out things you'd never thought of looking for!

Anonymous said...

Pro tip #3: if you get bored while you're waiting, you can use one of those drug testing cups to make a small gravity bong. Just try to remember not to use the same one for your specimen.

Mockingbird said...

Look,first add a small dab of pooh to the vessel before adding the pee, so it doesn't stick to the sides when microwave. takes about 50 seconds for best results. Sheesh, people!

Crazy RxMan said...

Can you imagine how much worse it would be having had asparagus the night before?

Packer said...

These comments are the best ever, made me pee my pants.

Anonymous said...

Easy- put the microwave on its lowest power setting, and then heat for the duration of one live Phish song.

A. Marie said...

As noted in comments on earlier posts, this is one of the websites I rely on when I've had a long day and need to read something that'll have me laughing kitbags (as they say in the British Royal Marines). Thanks, Ibee and Craig.

Nancy said...

yeah, cuz the lab has NEVER seen this before! I work in the crisis (read: backup detox) part of our ER. Drug users think everyone is stupid, near as I can figure. And the thing is we don't give a shit what they were on, we just want to know are the voices drug induced or not? Because that makes a big difference.

Candida Gomez said...

I had to search that, in modified form.

The results were a combination of forums giving advice on how to do it just right (including synthetic urine!), and sites saying it DOES NOT WORK. Like Nancy said, they've seen it.

I guess it beats the drinking bleach urban myth, though.

 
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