Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Naked Terror

Quick! What is It?




Looks like a soap dispenser, huh? WRONG!

It's actually a battery-powered shower-cleaning device that sprays foaming suds around your shower after you're done. Of course, I know that NOW. I didn't know it yesterday.

While I was on call this weekend, Mrs. Grumpy installed one in our shower, and didn't mention it to me.

So yesterday morning, I was showering away in the dark (I get up early, and shower in the dark so the lights don't wake up the kids). In the dim glow of the night-lite I noticed this gadget hanging there, looking suspiciously like a soap dispenser. So, to lather up, I pressed the big blue button on the front, and put my hand under it.

Nothing came out. Instead the thing began beeping REALLY LOUD.

BEEP!

Holy shit! What the fuck kind of a soap dispenser is this?

BEEP!

Crap! Why is it beeping? It's going to wake up everybody! How the hell do I make it stop?

BEEP!

Fuck! There has to be a button or switch or something to turn it off! I'll press the blue button again!

BEEP!

That didn't do anything. Shit, I can't see if there's another button to make it stop!

I leaned forward, feeling it all over to try and find a switch.

BEEP!

After the 5th BEEP! the little blue thing on the bottom suddenly spun around, spraying shower-cleaning foamy stuff in a circle around it, covering the shower, the tiles, and my eyes, which were about 2 inches in front of it as I frantically tried to find a way to make it stop beeping.

It burned like hell. I screamed and fell backwards, and some shampoo bottles fell on me with a loud clatter. Snowball started barking. In the panic I tried to get to a sink to wash my eyes out, before I realized that I was already in a shower with water pouring down.

As I rinsed my eyes out the lights went on, and I became aware that I'd woken up the whole house. Wife, kids, dogs, and all.

I'm going to stick with bar soap from now on.

48 comments:

Amy said...

Lol. What a way to start your day!

The Mother said...

I love those things. With four bathrooms and four BOYS, those are the only things that save my back.

But I remember the week the post office started selling self-adhesive stamps. I had no idea. All I knew was that when I licked it, nothing happened. I took them back.

Makes you feel really bloody stupid, huh?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Yes. Like you wouldn't believe.

Gen said...

I find those types of gadgets are far more trouble than the're worth. Heck, a little mildew never burned anyone's eyes out at ass-crack of dawn.

Let's hope your day shapes up!

Anonymous said...

But you no longer have a build-up of scale and mold covering your body.

Joe said...

I'm sorry. That was probably very scary and painful for you.

I want you to know that I felt very bad about laughing my butt off.

KWombles said...

Oh my, I am so sorry, but that is beyond hilarious. :-) ((()))

Kim said...

HAHAHA! I just spit coffee all over my laptop...that was too funny.

We have one of those. They don't work worth crap. Still need to scrub.

Parchment said...

TECHNOLOGY - making your life easier!

Elle said...

I have been reading this blog for months but this is my first comment... I'm sorry you had to go through that but this post had me in stitches!

WarmSocks said...

What Joe said.

Josiah O. Morris said...

This is finals week and I'm kind of stressing...up until this point. Now I can just picture this scene, get a good laugh, and relax. You're a great storyteller, Dr. G! Thanks! haha

littlepretendnurse said...

Toooo funny. I mean toooo bad. Glad you can see the humor in it though.

Mop said...

This reminds me soooo much of the Friend's episode "Ross and the Tan" where Ross doesn't know when to turn in the spray-tan machine and gets quadruple dosing of spray-tan on only one side.

You can catch it on youtube. I peed a little when I saw it the first time.

PaleMother said...

OMG. Forgive me for lauging so hard. Thank you for that.

We've had one of those for quite a while now ... my husband found it and decided to give it a try. I was skeptical, but thought it couldn't hurt. The thing is, you must be absolutely sure your are THE last to shower before you push the button. Because the fumes of the aftermath are incompatible with all life, not just mold and mildew. I've been wondering if the product is really safe around humans.

My husband pushed the button this weekend before I had a chance to shower. And I had no choice but to get in there anyway. The fact that I am pregnant probably only made the experience that much more intolerable (sensitivity to smell is epic). He had a hard time living that one down. :)

I CANNOT imagine actually being IN the shower when it goes off. Ours hangs very high ... can you imagine if it hit someone in the face? Rather than a beep, it should be a little Monty Python recording that instructs the innocent to RUN, RUN AWAY!!

Katie said...

We have one of those in my shower. We installed them but never taught anyone to use them. Out of the shower, Allyson pushed the button and peered through the curtain to see what it did. Well, she was exactly at eye level... OUCHIE!

Note: the faster the beeping the sooner it's going to spray. So move!

Sorry your day started out so poorly.

<>< Katie

Anonymous said...

Do y'all live in a one-room house? The bathroom light really wakes up your kids??

CarrieP said...

Oh, Doctor G!

I have one of these in my shower, so knew pretty much immediately that the story wouldn't end well.

Little did I know how unwell. Wow.

You poor guy. I hope you are feeling better now.

Gert said...

Oh,that is so funnny! Laughter is a great way to start the day....I'm sorry it was at your expense, though! Hope your day improves...:)

I've been so tempted to get one of those....think I'll hold off for awhile.

Old MD Girl said...

That is freaking hysterical. I'm glad you woke them up. Serves them right!

Kat's Kats said...

I'm so sorry your day started out that badly!! Now if you were at our house, you would be safe! We use the hand held version put out by Method. It takes more work to use the spray bottle after you finish your shower and I suspect that I'm the only one who uses it (which means that only the master bath gets cleaned!) but at least you wouldn't get noxious chemicals in your eyes!!

donna said...

LMAO! Sorry about laughing but....
I now need a new lap-top! Coffee..
you know the drill. I guess you
don't get out of the produce dept or watch t.v. ads. They have been
around for a wee while. Not to kick
you while you are covered with scum
removing agents...lap-top.
On the bright side maybe it will keep down the MANY demented people
that may come by the office today? Maybe you found a new off-the-shelf
use for it!

Aside from the lap-top, great laugh and hope your day is better!

Anonymous said...

I'm truly sorry for your terrible morning. I have one of these in my shower. I noticed the other day that one of the warnings on it says "not a body wash". I thought, who would use this as body wash? That's all I could think about while reading your story, lol. I hope your day gets better!

Rachedy said...

Hahahahaha! There should be a disclaimer before one reads this.

Warning! Double Depends needed before proceeding.

Sevyrr said...

OMG, LOL, that's the kind of crap that happens to me. My brother says I am one of a kind for strange occurances that involve my pain. I see now that maybe I'm not. LOL. Here's a story of when I had a wild mouse run up my flannel PJ bottoms. And it is 100% true.

http://sevyrr.blogspot.com/2010/04/mouse.html

PS: I hope it's ok to post a link to it here, if not just let me know.

Fordo said...

LMAO! Grumpy, you gave me a good, well-needed laugh this morning. What a picture!

Jackie said...

OMG!!!!

Laughed so hard I cried... and my make up has ran!

Was too funny! Sending this to my mom she'll love it

xx
Jaxs

Maha said...

Oh no!! I was thinking of putting one of those in my shower - I think I'll now skip it and just spend a day out of the week scrubbing the bathroom instead. Sorry your day started out so craptastically!

Alicia said...

I know it sucked to be you going through this but oh how I needed that laugh this morning. Thank you for sharing!

My friend has one in her guest bathroom but I had no idea how it worked. Now...I know.

Matt said...

HAHA that's HILARIOUS

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Please tell me Mrs. Grumpy had installed a hidden camera too.

terri c said...

Beautifully written as well as hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Although I am sorry you had soap squirted in your eye, I needed a laugh today, so thank you for this story!

Anonymous said...

you're my favorite. <3 lol

MLee said...

lol... I about fell off the bed reading that one. Sorry to laugh at you, but it could have been worse. You could have hit your head, had EMS pick up up buck naked, landed in the ER with all of us black humored nurses and had to have another neurologist read your CT.

sandy shoes said...

LOL!

That could have been much worse (glad you didn't hurt yourself in the fall, and that your eyes recovered), but it could not have been much funnier.

Anonymous said...

Laughed my ass off.

Anonymous said...

I'm in tears laughing so hard!

By the way, I love your blog! Thank you!

thegooddrlaura said...

OMG thank you so much! I can't stop laughing! And I had a terrible day -- see my tweets about contemplating the doing harm to a motor-mouth who was making a day-long meeting unbearable today. Ahh, reading this was better, and healthier, than resorting to alcohol or violence! =]

vicki said...

dear dr grumpy and all the comments: between your story and the comments you made what was a crappy day very, very funny. i haven't laughed to hard in months. i still have tears streaming down my face. and my dogs are looking so weird at me because i'm laughing so hard. wonderful story telling ability. you need to do a book of these ...

Anonymous said...

You step out of the shower to wash your eyes in the sink. And you wonder why your son has problems with the tetherball poll.

much grumplove

thank you for making my night a little better.

Claudia said...

Forgive me! Forgive me! Forgive me!
I can't stop laughing. Usually, I'm a very kind old woman. But I can't stop laughing...

Julie said...

thanks for the laugh (i've now just introduced a whole new lot of readers - my colleagues who were wondering what caused the hysterical laughter - to your blog)!!!

Miss Kismet said...

You are so lucky this didn't turn from your story of hilarity into an ER nurse's blog :)

Frantic Pharmacist said...

Yikes, I always wondered if those things work but I didn't know they could be life-threatening. I'm thinking of that scene in "Silkwood" where Meryl Streep gets the beet-red scrubdown after setting off the radioactivity detector.....

Mel said...

this was HILARIOUS. I had to link on my blog even though it's not horse related.

I'm out of town in a hotel AND dealing with a severe poison oak reaction (face is swelled up like a chipmunk and waiting for the Celestone to kick in) and this was JUST what I needed.

Merri said...

Perfect!
Where can I get one of those to attack the grump in my house!?!?
; )
- The Equestrian Vagabond

Taryn said...

OMG! You are laugh-til-you-cry funny! I am reading this at work, surrounded by others, and had to stop several times just to calm myself, and not appear to be an idiot!

If you ever tire of being a doctor, I am sure there is a very successful career in comedy just waiting for you!

 
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