Monday, March 22, 2021


My first year at BSU I had this dumb-as-rocks dorm roommate. He wrote college reports in crayon, lost tuition checks his dad sent him, and routinely stepped on eggs our suite-mates had hidden in his shoes. Like most college guys, he was obsessed with meeting girls, but he had some, uh, non-traditional approaches.

1. Bizarre idea to meet girls #1.

Our dorm was co-ed. Odd numbered floors were women, even numbered were men.

Mike decided to bounce golf balls, LOUDLY, on the floor of our room. His idea was that the girls who lived beneath us (and he had no idea who they were) would then come up to our room, ask him nicely to stop, and he could invite them in.

All that happened was they called the building office to complain, and we got written up.

I wasn't even in the room at the time.

2. Bizarre idea to meet girls #2:

This involved, I swear, the lobby vending machine that sold little containers of milk. He noticed that a lot of women would get some milk to study with, so he set up camp near it with a shitload of quarters. Anytime he saw a girl going to buy some he'd get up and strike up a conversation while waiting his turn for milk. This idea was such a remarkable success that one night he returned to our dorm room with 18 containers of milk, out of money, and with no phone numbers. He needed to borrow quarters from me to do his laundry that night, because he spilled milk all over his shirt trying to drown his sorrows in overpurchased dairy products. He also discovered he was, after a point, lactose intolerant.

3. Definitely NOT a good way to meet girls:

Our room overlooked the lawn behind the dorm, and one spring day a lot of pretty girls were out sunbathing. Mike watched them for a while, and then decided to, uh, relieve some tension while doing so. For unknown reasons he didn't realize that if he could see them, they could see him.

Mercifully, I was downstairs on the patio with friends, so anyone who looked up and saw what was going on in my room could immediately see that I was definitely not the person up there.

I googled him last week. He sells real estate in Nevada now.


evodevo said...

" He sells real estate in Nevada now. "
Why am I not surprised lol

The Weather Girls said...

It's raining (se)men, hallelujah, it's raining (se)men!

Suzie the Boozy Floozy with an Uzi said...

Which raises the obvious question- was he actually a golfer, did he just happen to own golf balls for some unspecified reason, or did he make a point of going out and buying them for this scheme?

Shash said...

I expected you to say that he's a state level politico now.

Packer said...

Married a showgirl, brokered sale of the strips largest, newest glitziest casino, Chinese gamblers invite him to play golf if he finds them penthouse condos close to Bacarat, often rues not going to med school but after the misunderstanding in college it was probably for the best as he had a gynecological specialist view of his future

Anonymous said...

"Can I send you one of our brochures? I'm telling you, the beachfront property in Winnemucca is the best!"

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