Monday, January 15, 2018

Breaking news

From around the planet, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


An unidentified fellow, trying to save money by not paying his subway fare, attempted to jump the barrier at the Covent Garden Tube station.

His plan went horribly wrong when he somehow got his penis caught in the metal gate mid-leap.

Police officers and transportation workers were finally able to free his winkie, but not before he was filmed by bystanders.

Whatever money he was trying to save probably wasn't worth it.


A Russian man, who was "bored," stole a combat vehicle from a military tank-driving school and went for a ride.

During his outing he smashed a car, then lost control of the armored vehicle and crashed through the front of a grocery store. At that point he got out of the car, pilfered a bottle of wine, and ran away.

Police arrested him shortly afterwards, still carrying the bottle of wine.


Local butcher Chris McCabe was trapped inside his store's walk-in freezer when wind blew the door shut behind him. Fortunately, the freezer had an emergency release safety button. Unfortunately, it had frozen solid and couldn't be moved.

Attempts to kick the button loose were unsuccessful.

Keeping a cool head, Mr. McCabe grabbed a frozen, 3 lbs. black pudding and used it to repeatedly smash the button until it loosened enough to allow him to open the door.

He told reporters that “black pudding saved my life, without a doubt.”


Anonymous said...

Doesn't he know that you're only supposed to avoid Oyster Cards in months that don't end in "r?"

Anonymous said...

It's nice to see that, even with all the revivals of old chestnuts, adaptations of movies that weren't that great to begin with, and soulless jukebox musicals, there's still some theater worth watching in the West End.

Anonymous said...

It's viral marketing for "The Mousetrap."

Anonymous said...

And that's why it's so important to study the ancient Lancastrian martial art of Ecky Thump.

Packer said...

Do continue Anon, you are on a roll a Murmansk Roll

Anonymous said...

I believe that's what's referred to as a "sticky wicket."

Anonymous said...

Blue Peter.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I guess when I think of Murmansk, I will have think of wine, not that potato mash, and really mashed in Covent Garden, doesn't always refer to distilled spirits, as well as a little black pudding and mash will take on an altogether new meaning when used to break a frozen lock.

Theresa B (of Nebulopathy) said...

I'm trying hard to imagine, without, you know, actually _imagining_, how the turnstile jumper got himself into that predicament. Is this one of the very few times where it really does make sense to ask what he was wearing?

Anonymous said...

New slogan for subway. "If you don't pay your fare, we've got you by the balls."

Anonymous said...

Pelvic Underground.

A. Marie said...

As usual, too busy weeping with laughter (especially over the Covent Garden turnstile story) to comment coherently for the most part. I'm with Theresa B, however: Exactly what was this guy wearing (or not wearing) when he attempted this feat?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Chris McCabe got his black pudding from trying to jump the gate in the London Underground.

Anonymous said...

And that's how Bishopsgate got its name.

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