Friday, January 26, 2018

Breaking news

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.


Unless you live under a rock, you've heard of the recent false alarm where residents of the 50th state erroneously received a civil defense warning that there was an incoming ballistic missile.

What you probably didn't know is that the dirty movie website Pornhub, in looking at Hawaiian stats, noticed that as soon as the alert went out their online traffic suddenly dropped 77%. One can only imagine viewers frantically zipping up their pants and knocking a Kleenex box over as they try to find a place to hide from a nuclear bomb (there isn't one by the way, so just finish what you're doing).

Even more impressively, as soon as the message went out that it was a false alarm, Pornhub's traffic suddenly stiffened up, shooting to 48% over their normal traffic level. Presumably people were trying to calm down with a different type of excitement.


In the largest scandal of its type in world history, the Kingdom's beauty competition was rocked this week when it was revealed several contestants had used Botox and plastic surgery to alter their appearances.

The annual dromedary beauty competition at the King Abdulaziz Camel Festival was forced to disqualify 12 camels after it was revealed they'd undergone cosmetic surgeries and Botox treatment to make their ears, lips, noses, and jaws look more attractive. I am not making this up.

None of the disqualified camels would speak to reporters, though one did spit.


Douglas Francisco pulled into a bank's drive-thru teller window, then promptly passed out with his car running.

Concerned bank employees knocked on his window for a while before he woke, at which time he apparently didn't know the kind of drive-thru he was in and ordered a burrito.

After being told he was at a bank, and not a Taco Bell, Mr. Francisco made a run for the border but only got a short distance across the parking lot before he passed out again.

He subsequently failed police-administered sobriety tests and was arrested. Officers noted he "made several statements that were differing with reality."


From the "where are they now" files...

David Joyner, who played Barney the Dinosaur on the long-running (and amazingly irritating) children's show, is now running a tantric sex business in L.A.

Mr. Joyner, for a modest $350, provides 3-4 hour sessions to female clients which consist of ritual bathing, chakra balancing, and serious humping.

This leaves many of us wondering a few things: What's REALLY purple? What was going on under the costume? And does he yell "STOOOOOOPENDOUS!" during the throes of ecstacy?

"And when he's tall that's what we call a dinosaur sensation!"

And that's the way it is.


Anonymous said...

Nothing like a death scare to make you appreciate what's really important in life.

Anonymous said...

Maybe all those Hawaiians went on Pornhub to watch the Teletubbies.

Fergie said...

My hump my hump my hump
My humps they got you

Anonymous said...

Seriously, though, aren't those pneumatic tubes the perfect size and shape for a burrito?

Anonymous said...

Jurassic Pork.

Astrolabe Silverwax said...

First rule of cameline pulchritude: loose lips sink ships of the desert.

David Ige, Governor of Hawaii said...

Yeah, about that... I couldn't send out the "all clear" because I forgot my Twitter password, and the security question I set for password recovery was "What does the woman say at the 5:33 mark in my favorite video on PornHub?"

Nurse Lilly said...

I love you
You love me
Touch me down near
Where I pee

Packer said...

Erectosaurus was the scientific name of Barney. Question in costume or not ?

Camels are the only thing of beauty in the Kingdom

Lost of volcanic eruptions and lava flow in Hawaii

And Florida is still and always be the only Florida

Thank you commenters for brightening my Friday Morning

Katie said...

I love you
You love me
Come and play with
My yoni

Anonymous said...

Oh my. I wondered about the textural appearance of teletubbies and barney. They seemed to be made of the same sort of cloth. Road Runner and Bugs Bunny, yay!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Joyner has a purple...helmeted love warrior in his pants.

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