Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Breaking news

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


Stephen Titland (really, that's his name) attempted to get into several vehicles by going down the street and seeing if any parked cars were unlocked.

He finally found one that wasn't and started to climb in, only to discover sheriff's deputies inside the unmarked vehicle. They'd arrived in the area due to multiple reports of a man (who matched Titland's description) burglarizing cars.

Mr. Titland has been charged with attempted burglary and violating his probation from a previous burglary conviction.


Residents of the village Ringaskiddy have fallen on hard times. There have been multiple solid complaints about men and dogs walking around with, uh, woodies.

Apparently they have a bone to pick with the local Pfizer plant, where Viagra is manufactured. The waste exhaust from the factory reportedly is being carried by a stiff breeze into the surrounding community.

Local barmaid Debbie O'Grady commented "one whiff and you're stiff."


An unidentified opossum broke into a liquor store and got trashed on bourbon.

The marsupial knocked a bottle of bourbon on the floor, breaking it, then drank the contents.

The animal was "disoriented" when found and taken to a local animal shelter. She was given fluids and allowed to detox, then released into the wild.

And finally, from the "do not try this at home" department, is this.


Anonymous said...

Love is in the air.

Shae said...

How is the opossum unidentified? They caught the one that did it and took it to an animal shelter to detox. Are they using unidentified because they don't know it's name? Because it wasn't carrying it's government issued photo ID? Then why bother mentioning it, all opossums will be unidentified.

tbunni said...

Wow. Just wow. That final story.

bobbie said...

Oh, my stars!! The Feral Hamster story had me laughing till I had tears in my eyes! Thanks for sharing it!

Anonymous said...

Snort. Poor dear. My son's girlfriend works as 911 dispatch. She has a good sense of humor. I wonder how she would've reported the fracas.

I saw a brazen baby chipmunk run full tilt at the prowling neighborhood cat on patrol once. The cat let out a shriek and took off in the opposite direction, and did not return until a few days later.

Hope the drunken man was prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and assigned community service. Less inebriation on the road, the better, as far as I am concerned.

All the 'possums I've encountered have seemed sober, but then most of the ones I have encountered required full control of their faculties i.e. sidling up the porch post, balancing in the roof gutter. It's either opossums (or raccoons) that regularly engage in attic scuffles around 8 PM DST each night now that temperatures are in the low 40s upper 30s F. Last night it was in the 20s and heard no scuffling. The housecats don't seem particularly bothered anymore, though. The marmalade tom seemed transiently fascinated by the slow-moving stinkbugs (and ladybugs) that are now roaming the house. (Now, signing off on the current insect hibernation report here in the midwestern dog tick neighborhood... .)

Packer said...

I am glad that I picked today to check and see if Dr. Grumpy had returned from autumnal semester break vacation with the family and not yet left for end of year universalist Unitarian end of year break for retail and or religious semester break vacation. I was richly rewarded with a chortle. But more than that by scrolling back I got the TP ,wine and beer photo to share with my IBD support group

ronstew said...

That hamster story was the funniest thing I have seen in a good long while!

Anonymous said...

Hamster story wins hands down. Dr. Grumpy, you might like to find the story of a group of idiots somewhere in England who thought it would be a good idea for one of them to stick his head in a microwave and for the others to fill said microwave with cement. It's at the They did wrap a plastic sack around his head first but when things went sideways, they were able to get a straw inside so he could breathe while it took the first responders about 3 hours to free him.

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