Friday, August 11, 2017

Breaking news!

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's reporters bring you the stories that shape our lives.

DATELINE: Durango.

A bear broke into a parked Suburu SUV and took it for an early-morning spin.

The unidentified ursid, who's still on the loose, smashed a window and climbed in. From there it released the parking brake and went rolling down the street.

During its brief ride the bear drove over some utility boxes before finally going into a yard and hitting a mailbox. The homeowner, Mr. Ron Cornelius, was woken by the noise and called police. When asked about the early hour, Mr. Cornelius said "Usually, I don’t get up at 5 o’clock unless there is a bear driving a car down the street."

Apparently unhappy about its short ride, the bear destroyed the interior of the vehicle. It pulled the steering wheel off the shaft, ripped the radio out, and broke the back window.

Originally it was thought to have been the work of human vandals, but the bear's involvement was confirmed by the extensive degree of damage wrought and, more importantly, a large pile of bear shit that had been left inside the car.

So there you have it: Bears do shit in the woods, but in a pinch will use a Subaru.

DATELINE: Olympia.

A traffic jam was caused by a dead body rolling down the street.

Police said an ambulance transporting a dead body had its back door open while moving. Two gurneys, one with a recently deceased occupant, fell out and went speeding down the street.

The driver, unaware of this turn of events, continued on his way.

The gurney with a body stopped in an intersection, forcing police to re-route traffic through the area until coroner's staff could arrive to take the escapee into custody.

The empty gurney was found in a parking lot.

Neither gurney, nor the deceased, was damaged during the joyride.

DATELINE: Sioux City.

Police were called when a man attempted to deposit a fake $1 million dollar bill into his bank account.

Upon arriving to the bank, police officers interviewing the fellow asked if he had any more of the million dollar bills on him, whereupon he pulled a bag of methamphetamine out of his pocket.

Somewhat comically, he's being held on a $1,000 bond.

Police suspect drugs were involved.


Marjie said...

Oh what a wonderful start to my day. Love the bear, love the drugs. Thanks for the badly needed (check news) uplift.

Brent said...

so glad the bear wasn't on meth. That could have been REALLY, REALLY bad.

Moose said...

The $1M bill story reminds me of the apocryphal tale of the genius who stole a doctor's prescription pad and then presented a pharmacist with a prescription for "1 LB MOFEEN".

(And that, indirectly, is why I have a teddy bear named Mofeen.)

A. Marie said...

Re: the bear: Geez, and I thought our Upstate NY deer were bad...

Anonymous said...

"This script is a guaranteed hit! It's like 'The Fast and the Furious' meets 'Winnie the Pooh!'"

Anonymous said...

"This script is a guaranteed hit! It's like 'The Fast and the Furious' meets 'Weekend at Bernie's!'"

Anonymous said...

Banking Bad.

Anonymous said...

We know that people poop in an outhouse, now we know bears poop in an Outback.
The owner wasn't impreza.
He wished the bear shat in the Forester.

Shash said...

This just made my day. Thank you. The gurney story cracks me up. That was quite a last ride.

Anonymous said...

Honest to God, I do courier work for a pet cemetery and crematorium,I had the back door open while on a pickup loop from the clinics. I was lucky none fell out of my vehicle. Now I always hit the lock before I leave. It happens.

Packer said...

Anon @10:54
Pleides no more.

Jono said...

I have seen what a bear can do to the inside of a Suburban without even driving it anywhere. Never leave food in a vehicle in bear country.

Unknown said...

DATELINE: Olympia.


"Man late for his own funeral held up in traffic"

Anonymous said...

* "I don't always get up at 5 o'clock, but when I do, it's 'cause there's a bear driving a car down the street."

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