Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Modern crime

More valuable than gold. Rarer than platinum. More coveted than oil. Yes, the most prized substance on Earth is clearly...


Yeah, you read that correctly.

I didn't think so either, but I'm not much of a shortbread fan. Honestly, I had no idea it was so valuable, until this morning.

This past weekend a daring group of Scottish thieves, in what would have easily been a crime to rival anything in Agatha Christie's works, attempted to steal £15,000 (that's $26,000, folks) worth of shortbread.

That better be some damn good baking. I mean, why the fuck would you steal shortbread? I'm pretty sure these 4 guys weren't planning on eating it (they'd have to be pretty hungry). Is there a huge black market for shortbread in Scotland? While I've encountered my share of seedy characters around my downtown office here in the states, I don't recall anyone in an alley saying "Pssst! You want to buy some shortbread?" and showing the inside of a jacket with cookies hanging off it.

Granted, I suppose it could have gold or diamonds in it, or be a baking operation as a front for Walter White, but... probably not.

Anyway. So, a bunch of guys stole a truck full of shortbread. Thankfully for civilization, however, their dastardly plot was foiled.* Not by Hercule Poirot or James Bond or Scotland Yard, either.

Their attempt to drive the stolen goods away failed because, instead of filling the fuel tank with the recommended diesel (they should have read the owner's manual) they used cleaning fluid.


How you get Windex mixed up with petroleum derivatives is beyond me, but they did. And thank heavens for it, or the economies of western Europe might have collapsed due to the shortbread shortage. Not only that, it probably saved these guys from dying while having cookies and diesel fuel that they mistook for milk.

Thank you, Webhill!

*The original article used the word "scuppered." That's a great word. Why can't American news outlets use cool words like that?


Officer Cynical said...

What a bunch of idiots! Everybody knows you steal the cleaning fluid and put the shortbread in the gas tank. Duh!

Anonymous said...

In other tasty, tasty crime, some guys stole $18million worth of maple syrup. Because Canada, eh?

Anonymous said...

I heard those same thieves are stealing almonds or walnuts or pistachios or whatever those valuable nuts are in California. Shortbread, maply syrup, --they're all nuts! Next thing you'll know it'll be dirty underwear.

Anonymous said...

The thieves were inept in that they stole the truck for the heist but didnt put any fuel in it. When they raided the factory in the dark they saw a "big oil tank thing" and thought lets fill up the truck with that not realising it was used to store cleaning fluid for the factory.

arzt4empfaenger said...

"Drugs" is the answer to your questions, or rather, the explanation for such behavior! :P

gena said...

I took one criminal justice course in college. My instructor, a long time sheriff's deputy used to have a saying about Stupid Criminal Tricks: "It doesn't have to be a good plan; it just has to be a plan." Whenever I hear about Shortbread Heists or some dumb*ss who holds up a bank with a banana, I remember that.

Lizard said...

I believe if you are stupid enough to mistake cleaning fluid for diesel, you are stupid enough to steal a truck full of shortbread. Or the other way around. It works just as well either way.

Just Me said...

I just like shortbread okay!

Andrew_M_Garland said...

Shortbread sells for about $5/lb, so maybe has a fence value of $2/lb.

Say it has a density of 1 in its packaging. That would be 64 lb per cubit foot, worth $128 at the fence.

$26,000 worth at $5/lb would be 5,200 lb in 80 cu ft. If they know the right fence, this would be very stealable.

Three men would make about $3,600 each for their evening's work.

I wouldn't sneer at shortbread.

tbunni said...

So is there anyway I can score some shortbread? They do sell it all the way out here in Oregon, but the good stuff is really expensive. Which is good, because it is really fattening, too.

Ok, no shortbread for me. Sigh.

cliffintokyo said...

So, if the thieves had a yen that the truck would run on windo-clear, why not try it? After all, Scotspersons are famous for their money-saving acumen, if not their risk management skills.
Now, just need to have a word with the Queen of Hearts, about changing to making shortbreads - might be a more lucrative market we could corner here (Alice in MBA-land; hat-tip to tbunni)

Tsunoba said...

Thankfully for civilization, however, their dastardly plot was foiled.

Was it...Tre-foiled?

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