Thursday, May 6, 2010

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Dear teachers at my school,

I know that the school year is dwindling down, and many of you (not to mention the students) are frothing at the bit to get out. Tempers and sanity tend to get frayed this time of year.

Now, I know kids do a lot of stupid things. My mentally damaged husband actually spent an hour in his high school nurse's office for swallowing a chunk of dry ice (and still hasn't stopped belching, by the way).

There are many good reasons to send a kid to my office. Recently, though, the number of questionable reasons to be sending them has increased. This usually happens this time of year.

So, to be helpful, I'm putting up a list of NOT ACCEPTABLE reasons to send a child to the school nurse. All of these are things I've seen in the last 2 weeks.

1. "Left his lunch box on the school bus."

2. Any student who comes to my office (for the 3rd time in 5 hours, too) with a note that says "Reason for nurse referral: I'm sick of his crap. Talk to him about it."

3. To get a knot out of a shoelace.

4. To show them how to tie shoes.

5. To tell them to tell their mother that she should quit smoking.

6. "He says his butt itches."

7. "Says she's tired of being at school". REALLY! THAT'S WHAT THE TEACHER WROTE!

8. Chews gum.

9. Chews gum too loudly.

10. Swallowed gum.

11. Ate lunch before lunch hour.

12. "Left money at home". I'm a nurse, okay? Not a bank!

So, please limit your referrals to my office to kids who legitimately need health care, and we'll make it through the next few weeks together. Thank you.


Captain Foulenough said...

Seems to me, Doc and Missus Grumpy, that you two could set up a lucrative feedback loop. Every teacher who sends a kid to Mrs G for a fuckwitted reason should be urgently referred to Dr G for neurocognitive assessment. Win-win.

Captain Crab said...

And I thought my Chantix/Dilantin drug interactions were a problem.

Anonymous said...

Who knew the school nurse could do everything, including the jobs of the principal, teachers, counselors, and the parents? Kudos you jack of all trades! ;)

Anonymous said...

Happy Nurses' Day Mrs. Grumpy! I hope it gets better. My son likes to visit the school nurse for snacks (her idea so he stops hoarding leftover lunches & other food in his desk). He's on the autism spectrum & our small school nurse has gone over the top to learn more about his issues.

School nurses can be awesome!

One question, what are the kids doing with gum in school? My son has it to help with sensory issues, but I doubt the majority of the school has sensory processing disorder with gum as an IEP/IHP approved intervention. :)

Dr. Tonya said...

OK, I'm a school psychologist and I thought the reasons for teachers referring and/or sending kids to me lately were becoming ridiculous, but you win hands down. My favorite so far: "I don't know what to do with him anymore. You handle it."

2nd favorite: "Find something wrong with him so that he won't bring down my class test scores" (If kiddos qualify for special ed due to a specific disability, their test scores do not 'count' with the rest of the reg ed class) NOTE: Child was sent to me DURING state test administration!?!?

Hang in there Mrs. Grumpy! Have a Happy Nurses Week too!

Robynne said...

So it appears that Dr. Grumpy's patients are the Teachers at your school?

Julie said...

come on - 'he says his butt itches' is surely a school nurse's responsiblity :)

v.w. - creepi ... somewhat appropriate!

Lisa G said...

Happy Nurse's Day, Mrs. Grumpy :) Methinks these teachers need a Dr. Grumpy referral....

Kristin said...

I wish Mrs. Grumpy had been my school nurse. She rocks!

Outrider said...

Dry ice??? LMAO

John said...

You think those are bad, you should hear some of the reasons people call 911. Tampon stuck, need prescription refilled, cold for 3 weeks, bird in a tree, voices coming from A/C. We had someone request an ambulance from an ER waiting room last week, because they decided they wanted to go to a different hospital for a second opinion.

Maha said...

Itchy butt = new triage code.

It makes me sad that generalized stupidity is not limited to the ER!

J-Quell'n said...

Dry Ice, Grumpy? Really? We need the story...soon!

Word verification is "prepreg"...I guess that's what you are before you are pregnant.

Texas Pharmacy Chica said...


Anonymous said...

Mrs. Grumpy,

I'm glad you and Dr. Grumpy found each other (dry ice or not), because at least you can keep each other sane!


nRT said...

Now, I know kids do a lot of stupid things. My mentally damaged husband actually spent an hour in his high school nurse's office for swallowing a chunk of dry ice (and still hasn't stopped belching, by the way)

what a difference years make. this just happened in Massachusetts. three mid school kids were rushed to Childrens Hospital for drinking dry ice and water. One was admitted the others were sent home after observation. Dr Grumpy only spent 'an hour' in the school nurses office.
The parents of the 'stupid kids' want to have the teacher disciplined for not supervising there idiot kids.

Loren Pechtel said...

In today's legal climate #3 actually makes sense--male teacher, female student, he didn't want to touch her in any way.

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