“Hi, I saw Dr. Grumpy about 10 years ago for something or another. Anyway, my wife may have had a stroke, or migraine, one of those things, this morning. I’d like him to order an MRI on her for today. We’re flying out tonight to Europe, so need it before then."
Friday, September 9, 2016
The calls
“Hi, I saw Dr. Grumpy about 10 years ago for something or another. Anyway, my wife may have had a stroke, or migraine, one of those things, this morning. I’d like him to order an MRI on her for today. We’re flying out tonight to Europe, so need it before then."
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Futility
Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."
Ms. Daughter: "Hi, this is Mrs. Substantia's daughter, and her Parkinson's disease is really bad this afternoon!"
Annie: "What's going on?"
Ms. Daughter: "Her tremor is out of control! She's shaking everywhere, and can barely walk!"
Annie: "Has she missed any medication doses?"
Ms. Daughter: "No! She got her morning pills right on time!"
Annie: "What about her 2:00 p.m. afternoon pills?"
Ms. Daughter: "I haven't given her those yet. Should I?"
Monday, September 5, 2016
Holiday reruns
The twins (Craig and Marie) routinely beat the crap out of each other. This is such a normal occurrence at our house that we just ignore it unless at least one liter of blood is spilled.
So after I got home from work today, the phone rang.
Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"
Mrs. Playground: "Is this the father of Marie Grumpy?"
Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."
Mrs. Playground: "I'm the playground supervisor at Wingnut Elementary School, and I have to notify you that Marie was involved in a playground fight today, with a boy at school."
Dr. Grumpy (glancing out the window at the twins gouging each others eyes out on the trampoline): "Is she in trouble?"
Mrs. Playground: "Yes, she has to miss recess tomorrow. She and the boy suffered some minor scrapes, so I need to notify the parents of both children."
Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, thank you."
I hung up the phone, looked at Mrs. Grumpy, and began counting. "5-4-3-2..." As soon as I got to "1", the phone rang. I bit my tongue, hard.
Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"
Mrs. Playground: "Is this the father of Craig Grumpy?"
Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."
Mrs. Playground: "I'm the playground supervisor at Wingnut Elementary School, and I have to notify you that Craig was involved in a playground fight today, with a girl at school..."
Friday, September 2, 2016
Patient quote of the day
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Differential
Dr. Hack: "Yeah, this is Mike Hack, I'm an internist on the east side, and I'm not happy about what you told my patient."
Dr. Grumpy: "The guy with Myasthenia Gravis?"
Dr. Hack: "Yeah. I'd told him he had a stroke, and you have the balls to tell him something else?"
Dr. Grumpy: "But... he didn't have a stroke. His MRI was normal."
Dr. Hack: "Look, he had slurred speech. Any idiot can look up slurred speech and find out that it can be caused be a stroke. Except, apparently, a neurologist."
Dr. Grumpy: "A lot of things besides stroke can cause slurred speech. His brain MRI was normal, his Myasthenia antibodies were elevated, and he responded to Mestinon."
Dr. Hack: "Yeah, whatever fancy bullshit testing you people use nowadays. I've never referred to you before, and I sure won't do it again."
Click
Monday, August 29, 2016
Gifts
Which included this tea bag:
Friday, August 26, 2016
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Memories...
I was a college student, living in a small condo near BSU with 3 other guys, in the mid-1980's
The place was old, and (like most college-based condos) not in the best repair.
One night, I made the fateful decision to have a chicken pot pie for dinner (this is college, man, you eat what you can afford).
I put it in the oven (a real oven, we didn't have a microwave), turned it on, set the timer, and went back to my room to read. As I left the kitchen I heard a loud mechanical "clunk," though didn't think anything of it at the time. The dump was full of weird noises.
When I wandered back 30 minutes later, I discovered the oven had somehow activated its self-cleaning mode - meaning it locks the oven door and heats itself up to something on the Kelvin scale to incinerate anything inside. Including my dinner.
The whole condo at this point began smelling like a chicken pot pie. I turned off the oven, only to discover that it had broken. Even with the cleaning cycle stopped. The door was locked and couldn't be opened.
I walked over to McD's that night for dinner.
The chicken pie was now a fixture of the condo. There was no way to get the oven door open without tearing it apart. The landlord didn't really care about fixing it since the place was falling apart, and the 3 of us didn't have the money to fix it ourselves. So we left it there.
As the semester progressed the kitchen would occasionally develop a weird smell from the culture medium residing in the oven. When this happened (every few weeks) we'd turn the oven on for a while to bake the culture into oblivion for another month or so. We'd turn it off again when it began to smell like chicken & mold pot pie. For all I know the oven had become a primordial soup experiment, and some new life form was evolving.
When I moved out 6 months later the pie was still in there. For all I know it still is.
So, if you're a college student living in a run-down condo with a locked oven that smells like a chicken pot pie when turned on... I'm sorry.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
Friday reruns
Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."
Mrs. Freek: "Yeah, this is Ima Freek, I need to make a follow-up appointment with you. I saw Dr. Grumpy 8 years ago, and need to come back."
Mary: "Okay, hang on... You're not in our system. Are you sure you were here?"
Mrs. Freek: "Of course. I remember your lobby, with all the golf posters, and the golf clubs on the walls."
Mary: "Oh, that's not us. That's Dr. Darth down the street. Let me give you his number."
Mrs. Freek: "No, that's okay, I'm fine seeing a different doc. Can I come in next week?"
Mary: "Sure. Tuesday at 3:00. See you then."
This week
Mrs. Freek: "Hi, I'm here for my appointment. What happened to your lobby?"
Mary: "Nothing. It's been this way for years."
Mrs. Freek: "What did you guys do with all the golf stuff?"
Mary: "We never had that. I told you, that's Dr. Darth down the street."
Mrs. Freek: "Wait a minute... You mean the golf-club doctor isn't here?"
Mary: "No. I told you that on the phone. You said you wanted to come in, anyway."
Mrs. Freek: "I can't believe you misrepresent yourself as part of another office!"
Mary: "Ma'am, I explained that..."
Mrs. Freek: "I'm leaving! This is criminal!"
(storms out, comes back a minute later)
Mrs. Freek: "Hey, I left my cell phone at home. Can you call Dr. Darth to see if he has an opening this afternoon?"
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Pinocchio
Dr. Grumpy: "Your head CT was okay, but the seizure medication blood level was WAY too high. Have you been taking it correctly?"
Mrs. Ataxia: "Um... Well, this morning I took a triple dose."
Dr. Grumpy: "Why on Earth did you do that?"
Mrs. Ataxia: "Because I was going to get my blood level drawn, and didn't want you to think I hadn't been taking it."
Dr. Grumpy: "Had you been taking it?"
Mrs. Ataxia: "Yes."
Dr. Grumpy: "Really?"
Mrs. Ataxia: "Uh... maybe... here and there."
Dr. Grumpy: "Overdoing it just before you get the labs drawn won't make up for that."
Mrs. Ataxia: "Sometimes it works at the dentist's."
Monday, August 15, 2016
Skool Nerse Time
In a week of calls, this one was my favorite:
My iPhone rings.
Nurse Grumpy: "Hello, this is band booster Grumpy."
Mrs. Clueless: "I just found out my daughter, Marsha, has to bring her musical instrument to band camp?"
Nurse Grumpy: "Uh, that's correct."
Mrs. Clueless: "Why didn't anyone tell me this? You need to make these things clear!"
Nurse Grumpy: "Well, it is band camp."
Mrs. Clueless: "On that whole list of things to bring to camp, no where did it say 'musical instrument.' "
Nurse Grumpy: "She does need to bring it."
Mrs. Clueless: "What kind of instrument should she bring, anyway?"
Nurse Grumpy: "Um, whatever she plays. What does she play?"
Mrs. Clueless: "YOU'RE THE BAND BOOSTER! Isn't it your job to know that?"
Nurse Grumpy: "Okay... so you don't know what Marsha plays?"
Mrs. Clueless: "It's something she blows in. Where can I get one of those?"
Nurse Grumpy: "That covers a lot... What does it look like?"
Mrs. Clueless: "I don't know. It makes a lot of noise, so she has to practice with her door closed. I've never seen it. Can I rent one?"
Nurse Grumpy: "You don't have one?"
Mrs. Clueless: "Well, she has the screechy thing in her room. You mean I have get another one for her to take to band camp?"
Nurse Grumpy: "No. She can take the one she already has."
Mrs. Clueless: "Doesn't make that clear, either. This info sheet is useless."
Nurse Grumpy: "Just have her bring the instrument, whatever it is, that she has at home, to band camp."
Mrs. Clueless: "You people are really disorganized and unhelpful."
Friday, August 12, 2016
Fone Fun
Dr. Grumpy: “Hello?”
Accent Guy: “Hello, I am calling from Bank of Grumpyville technical support, and I need some information about…”
Dr. Grumpy: “I didn’t call technical support.”
Accent Guy: “Well, I am returning a call about a trouble ticket. I need your BofG…”
Dr. Grumpy: “Nurse Grumpy, did you call BofG technical support?”
Nurse Grumpy: “No.”
Dr. Grumpy: “Sorry, you must have a wrong number.”
Accent Guy: “Well, what we do is Windows technical support, so I guess there’s an issue with your Windows log-in for BofG. Can I have your computer…”
Dr. Grumpy: “No one here uses Windows.”
Accent Guy: “I’m sorry, did I say Windows? I meant it’s a Mac issue and I need your…”
As much as I felt like stringing him on for fun, I hung up.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
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