It's complicated

Dr. Grumpy: "How are you doing? It's been about a year since your last appointment."

Mr. Optimist: "Going okay. I've met a great girl, and this could be the one. I mean, she threw me and my stuff out of her apartment and called the police on me last week, and I had to live in my car for a few days until I could find a new place, but I think this is part of the road to a stronger relationship."

Huh?

My iPhone rings. It's a hospital extension, so I pick it up. It turns out it's one of my call partners.



Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Nerve: "Hi, Ibee. I'm over at the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Dr. Nerve: "Will you have time in the next week or two to talk about something on the phone?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I have time now. What's up?"

Dr. Nerve: "I'm busy. I'll call you back when I have time. Thanks."


He hung up.

Tinea

Dear Mr. Floccosum,

There is a time a place for everything. When I am ready to examine you, believe me, I will.

I sent you back to my office so we can start just by talking.

I did not ask you to, right off the bat, remove your shoes and socks. Nor did I know that you hadn't trimmed your toenails or washed your feet since the Ford administration.

And for the love of all that is good and holy, you did not need to prop them both up on my desk.

Thank you.

Goodbye, David Bowie

You were awesome. Good luck out there on your way home.

"If you're ever sad, just remember the world is 4.543 billion years old, and you somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie."

- Another Bowie fan.

 

 Picture from APOD.

Patient quote of the day

"I think the real issue causing the stress is that she thinks that I think that she thinks that I think that she's under stress. And I'm not under stress. And neither is she. So I don't understand why she thinks I'd think she'd think that I'm under stress, or why I'd think that she'd think that I'd think that she's under stress. I mean, the whole thing is really stressful."

Goodbyes

Mike is a great guy. Doing remarkably well even into his late 80's. He's had epilepsy since childhood, which is controlled very well with medications. I've been seeing him since he moved here 15 years ago. He comes in once a year for me to refill his medication. Because he's so stable it's really more of a social visit. We talk about families, baseball, and (his favorite topic) horse racing.

He came in for his annual visit yesterday, and looked awful. He's been diagnosed with metastatic esophageal cancer, way too extensive to operate, so he's just getting palliative treatment.

There was really nothing, from a neurological view, for me to do. We talked about the usual things, especially his excitement at 2015 having brought the first Triple-Crown winner since 1978. I refilled his medication and sent him out with a handshake, like I always do.

I know I won't see him again. He probably does, too. On the "next appointment" line I just scribbled "will call" because it seemed cruel to write the usual "1 year."

Even the easy patients aren't always easy. It's part of the job, but that doesn't mean I like it.

Thursday afternoon

Lady comes in, walks up to counter.


Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mrs. Dayoff: "Hi, I'm Ada Dayoff. I'm here for my 3:00 appointment."

Mary: "I'm sorry... Actually your appointment was for yesterday, Wednesday, at 3:00. But I can reschedule you for..."

Mrs. Dayoff: "But you're the one who told me it was for Thursday!"

Mary: "I called you on Tuesday afternoon, with the rest of my reminders. The notes say I spoke to you directly."

Mrs. Dayoff: "EXACTLY! You said "your appointment is tomorrow!' I remember quite clearly."

Mary: "Yes... And since it was on Tuesday, that would have been for your Wednesday appointment."

Mrs. Dayoff: "But you called me at 4:18 p.m. See? Here's the call time on my phone!"

Mary: "Okay, that's my call, but it says 4:18 p.m. on Tuesday. Your appointment was Wednesday.  Today is Thursday."

Mrs: Dayoff: "Look! Everyone knows that if you say tomorrow BEFORE 4:00 p.m. you mean the next day, and if you say tomorrow AFTER 4:00 p.m. you mean the day after tomorrow."

Mary: "Uh..."

Pause.

Mrs. Dayoff: "Anyway, I'll reschedule. Do you have anything for tomorrow?"

That clears things up

Seen in a chart:

Crustaceans

I'm in line at the meat & seafood counter at Local Grocery, waiting to buy something other than tomatoes. Ahead of me is a couple in their late-20's, who are fascinated with the live lobster tank next to the counter.

Counter Guy in his white apron wanders over.


Counter Guy: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Clueless: "Um, we have some questions about the lobsters."

Counter Guy: "Sure. What's up?"

Mrs. Clueless: "How long do they live?"

Counter Guy: "Well, until you're ready to..."

Mr. Clueless: "What do you feed them?"

Counter Guy: "Uh, not sure. The night shift handles that."

Mrs. Clueless: "Can you keep them in a regular tank? We have Tetras already, is that okay?"

Counter Guy: "Um... Not sure. Most people don't keep them alive..."


Pause.

Mr. & Mrs. Clueless are staring at Counter Guy like he's balancing a Buick on his winkie.


Mr. Clueless: "Why... would you keep a dead pet?"*

Counter Guy: "They're to eat... not for pets."


Pause.

After 10 seconds or so of silence Mr. & Mrs. Clueless walk away.


Counter Guy: "Uh..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah... I know... I'd like a 1/2 pound of roast beef and a large container of cole slaw."


*How many others out there imagined John Cleese asking that question?

Perspective

From 1959, and still perfect

Gift guide 2015

We all have that narcissistic acquaintance who thinks the world actually gives a shit about what they're doing, where they are, and what they're eating at any given moment. Those subscribing to their Twitter and Instagram accounts are treated to a never ending stream of food, street signs, tables, weather conditions, toilet paper marks, and other pointlessly mundane information about their everyday life.

So what's the ideal gift for that person? Well, I'm sure they think that, in a world as insane as ours, someone out there is just dying to watch them eat breakfast cereal up close and personal.

So why not get them the selfie spoon?

This life-altering device allows you to attach a smart phone to the end of your spoon and happily film yourself sucking down cereal, soup, ice cream, oatmeal, and pretty much anything else you can eat with a spoon. Every slurp and close-up of something caught in your teeth is captured and broadcast to your worldwide followers.

This concludes the 2015 gift guide. Please keep sending the ideas in as you find them, as there's always next year. I'll be off for the next 2 weeks, and wish all a happy celebration of whatever they choose.

Grumpy Gift Guide 2015

Your friend loves seafood. In fact, you've often heard her say how much she wishes she had a nice big shrimp to cuddle up with and use as a pillow, but cuddly crustaceans are hard to find.

This would be perfect for her!

This adorable giant shrimp pillow is ideal for anyone who's ever wanted, um, an adorable giant shrimp pillow. Get yours here. Or at least enjoy reading the badly translated ad.

2015 Gift Guide

By this time of year, you're probably sick of Santa Claus. He's everywhere. But have you ever hated him enough to want to, uh, relieve yourself on him?

Well, now you can have the satisfaction of doing just that!

With this cheerful 3-piece toilet decoration, you can take out your frustrations on the jolly old elf by lifting his head and giving him a golden shower (or worse). Need your kids to help clean up before family arrives? Hand them a toilet brush and tell them Santa needs his teeth cleaned. And I'm sure Father Christmas would love to have your thirsty Labrador drinking from his throat.