Hospital rounds

Dr. Grumpy: "What color is my shirt?"

Ms. Haldol: "As black as your greedy, money-grubbing soul you bastard!"

Turn in your man card, dude

Sheesh, wouldn't it be better to just lie?

Patient quote of the day

"I have a huge pituitary tumor. They told me it was pressing on my sciatic nerve."

What SHOULD she do?

Sermo is an online doctor community. Once or twice a week I skim the posts to see if there's anything of interest.

Anyway, one hazard of technology is that a lot of people post while typing on the fly. This, combined with autocorrect, can lead to some eye-catching items.

ADDENDUM: due to lawyers from Sermo sending me threatening email, I had to take the screenshot down (those of you up early saw it). Basically, what it said is:


"One of my colleagues recently had a tubal legation. Now her vagina is demanding an embassy. What should she do?"

Great office moments

Mr. Ataxic: "I've been having a lot of balance problems. My walking is off, and I'm clumsy."

Dr. Grumpy: "Let's go out in the hallway, and let me watch you walk."

Mr. Ataxic goes out in the hallway, and I follow him. Stepping out from behind my desk, I discover (too late) that my shoelace is caught in one of the chair's rollers. As I walk the chair comes with me. I lose my balance and fall, just barely missing Ed. Then the whole chair crashes down on top of me. As the chair flies up it pulls my shoe off and sends it flying under the desk.

Mr. Ataxic: "Yeah, doc, kind of like that, but not as spectacular. Holy shit, are you okay?"

Weekend reruns

Okay, Grumpyites. My friendly neighborhood Lidoderm (a skin patch for pain after shingles) drug rep left me this.

Drug reps aren't allowed to take us to ball games anymore (I'm okay with that). In fact, this year they've actually been banned from bringing us even cheap pens and post-it notes.

BUT they are still allowed to bring us oddball stuff which falls under "patient education". Like this thing:




What is it? An art deco cactus garden? A model of Bikini Bottom (the home of Spongebob Squarepants)?


Nope. It's a model of the nerve endings of your skin, showing how painful post-shingles pain can be. When you turn it on, notice how the nerves glow red (it's pain, get it)?





And HERE! When you push down on the Lidoderm patch (get it? you're applying it to the skin?) they now glow soothingly blue (ah, that feels better). Thank you, Craig, for the hand cameo.



Isn't this useful! Isn't this revolutionary! Isn't this a great use of your medication money!

The kids and I have now taken out the batteries, and this weekend will study the feasibility of turning it into a new home for Ed, my office fish.

America. Land of really strange crimes.

Some days you think you've seen it all. And then you find out you're wrong.

Thank you, Mark!

Patient quote of the day

"I was on extreme doses of extremely powerful pain medications, because my symptoms were, you know, extreme. My doctor was extremely worried that I'd get extreme side effects, but apparently I have extremely high tolerance. They told me my liver is extremely strong."

Wednesday afternoon whatever

Mr. Webster: "My mother died of coronary trombones."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean thrombosis?"

Mr. Webster: "Whatever."

A-Z

GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Fifa: "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy right away! When I exercise I get these horrible headaches! They just started last week, and I can't do anything!"

Mary: "Okay, we can see you Thursday afternoon..."

Ms. Fifa: "Oh, I can't come in then. That's when I play soccer."

I have a bad feeling about this

Dr. Grumpy: "What medications are you on?"

Mr. Scattered: "I don't know. Whatever my girlfriend puts in my pill cup."

Dr. Grumpy (to girlfriend): "What pills does he get?"

Ms. Girlfriend: "I don't know the names. Whatever his mother tells me to give him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where can I reach your mom?"

Mr. Scattered: "She's in jail."

My dog tries for the Darwin Award

Due to the weather warming up, I decided to shut down the hot tub for the summer. It's a big round thing, so I drained it and stood it on its side to dry.

Mello saw it standing there, and, to my astonishment, decided it was a giant hamster wheel. So she immediately jumped in it and began running.

This was a disaster in the making.

She actually got it about 20 feet across the yard before the whole thing fell over upside down, trapping her under it.

It was pretty hard not to laugh at the muffled "woof" of astonishment as I went over to free her.

Moron dog.

Hmmm. Christopher Lee just turned 90...

While doing an online survey about Parkinson's Disease treatments yesterday, I encountered this question about 2/3 of the way through. I can only assume it's to see if I was paying attention: