Today's featured gift

What do we need more of?

I think all of us often wake up saying "Gee, I wish there was some way I could make my crotch more hot and sweaty than it already is."

Fortunately there's an easy answer: Vibrating Sauna Pants!





Now, even in a place as cold and snowy as Grumpyville you can keep your private areas sweaty and moving, and make believe this is a substitute for exercise.

These sexy pants come with a thermostat, so you can heat your junk to the desired temperature, and an adjustable vibration setting (so you can differentiate them from your cell phone ringing).

In the immortal words of Roosevelt E. Roosevelt "It's hot enough here to cook things in my shorts! A little crotchpot cooking." And now that can be you.

Dr. Grumpy's Salon

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Annie."

Miss Clairol: "Hey, I saw Dr. Grumpy last week, and I have a question."

Annie: "Okay, what's up?"

Miss Clairol: "If I washed my hair last night, would today be day zero or day one until I have to wash it again?"

Today's featured gift

Do you wish you could take your dog everywhere? Have you ever heard the expression "putting on the dog" and wanted to do it? Well, now you can!





Yes, with Woofspun products you can order quality knitted items made from genuine dog fur, or even collect your own from a favorite pet (or 2, or 3) and they'll turn it into yarn for you!

Given that 2 of the Grumpy dogs are less than 20 pounds, I doubt they give off enough in a lifetime to make a decent pair of gloves. Although if Mello doesn't stop pulling food off the counter and eating it (including a tub of artichoke & olive hummus, FFS!) she's going to be a rug pretty soon.

3-for-1 idiocy

Tonight alert reader Lee, from Phoenix, sent me not one, not two, but THREE articles on the exploits of some very special people.


First, if you're going to steal a vehicle, you should get something that blends into traffic.

Second, if you're going to court on drunk driving charges, try to show up sober.

And last, even if you're a cop doing a drunk driving demo, you should remember not to drive drunk.

Thank you, Lee!

Dear CNN,

Thank you for today's great "breaking news" headline.

(click to enlarge)





I'm glad to know NASA finally discovered the first Earth-sized planets in the universe. All this time I thought I was living on an "Earth-sized" planet, but apparently I was wrong.

For that matter, I always thought Venus was roughly "Earth-sized." I guess you found the "Earth-sized" planets are actually somewhere else.

So, when you decide what size planet the Earth is, please let me know. In case I ever get on Jeopardy or something.

Tuesday Morning

Dr. Grumpy: "So, I'm going to get these tests, and then we'll meet back here to discuss them. Any questions?"

Mr. Isoptera: "Yeah, do you like being a neurologist?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. I mean, no job is perfect, but I like what I do."

Mr. Isoptera: "Well, I'm selling franchises of my exterminator business, Termite Begone, and... Here, let me give you a pamphlet and my card..."

Today's featured gift

We've all had one of those embarrassing moments when we desperately need a spare pair of underwear. How often does thinking about this problem keep you awake at night?

Well, worry no more! Now there's the emergency Box-o-Undies!





Yes, this convenient package holds 5 pairs of clean, single-use underpants. Allowing you to go back to your favorite Mexican restaurant with confidence.


I should note that tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, and so I again present the traditional Hanukkah carol.

Yep, you need an appointment

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Galantamine: "Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, have you seen him before?"

Mr. Galantamine: "I don't know, have I?"

Today's featured gift

Men like breasts and women like wine. So what could be a better compromise than this?





According to it's web site the Wine Rack will increase an A cup to a DD, and holds 750ml of your favorite Cabernet (or whatever you prefer), with a discreet sipping tube. And you can inflate it with air after depleting the wine, to keep things looking "as advertised."

NOT a featured gift

This item was, I swear, featured in a catalog we got last week.





Let's face it: if your TV looks like that, I think I'd replace it before I'd get a swivel stand.

For that matter, it might be time to replace the VCR, too.

Hot Cross Bleaghhh!

Last night was that annual rite of parental torture, the Wingnut Elementary School band holiday concert.

My kids like playing in the school band, so, as supportive parents, we pay the instrument rental fees, put up with their unearthly screeching practice sessions in the living room, and attend the 2 annual concerts.

Elementary school band concerts are never a blast. They're held in the school cafeteria, meaning you have to sit at long lunch tables designed to be partially comfortable only for people half your size.

The kids really do try (at least most of them) but are still often out of sync and flat. And then there's the music selection. After the first 2 numbers all the songs start to sound A LOT alike. And they all sound like "Hot Cross Buns," which you've already heard played in your home so many times that you want to barf.

These things last about an hour, but seem like much longer. You sit there, politely clapping after each number, and hope your kids don't notice that you've dozed off or started playing Angry Birds.

As veterans, Mrs. Grumpy and I came well prepared. We sat in a far row where our kids couldn't see if we were playing scrabble doing medical research on our iPhones, and brought some Diet Cokes. You can always tell which parents are first timers, because they sit in the first row and bring cameras.

But this year, we had an unexpected reprieve.

At 18 minutes into the performance, during "Good King Wenceslas" a kid playing oboe abruptly projectile vomited into the first row, showering a group of eager parents with a partially digested Happy Meal. The other band members stopped, then valiantly tried to restart for a few seconds, but were so horribly out of sync as they tried to both read music and watch the new entertainment that it was a lost cause. Barf Guy's mom heroically leaped onto the stage and tried to use her husband's sweater (fortunately with him out of it) to clean it up. Then the kid heaved some more.

After about 30 seconds the band teacher politely said "Thank you all for coming, and Happy Holidays. Is the janitor still here?"

I feel sorry for this kid. Because from now on until he moves away to college he'll be known not as Mike or Steve or Mason, but simply as "the kid who puked during the holiday concert."

Today's featured gift

What's really enjoyable when you're sound asleep? Is "having a big hairy paw suddenly grab my face" at the top of your list? I didn't think so.

But a Japanese company is hoping that's high on somebody's list. They've developed a teddy bear sleep apnea robot.

It puts a cuddly-looking oxygen sensor on your finger, and if it hears you snoring, or detects your oxygen level dropping, it reaches up with a mechanical paw and wacks your face to make you turn your head.

Here's an informative video:





Personally, I have to say that if I was asleep and this thing grabbed my face, I'd likely shit the bed. So unless the robot is going to clean that up, too, I don't want one.

Great drug rep moments

"Do you need any more booklets? I just got a bunch of shit, uh, shipments of patient education materials."

Why do I bother?

Dr. Add: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Ibee Grumpy, returning your call. You left a message about Mrs. Wilder?"

Dr. Add: "Oh, yeah, she's been having a lot of side effects, and I think we ought to stop her Trigenum."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I stopped it earlier this week. I faxed a letter over to you."

Dr. Add: "Oh, I never read those things."