Land of idiot shoppers

I have no idea what to say. Just read it.

Thank you, everyone who sent this in!

Black friday deals

So I was surfing Amazon for one of the naval fiction books I like. Check out the awesome "bargain" deals on this one!

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I could be up all night wondering which I should order...

Thanksgiving, 2011

We will never know exactly when it happened, but in my opinion it was the most important event in human history.

Somewhere, probably in Africa (maybe Asia), there was a meeting.

A branch of the primate family that had started walking upright, and a cousin of the gray wolf, first set eyes on each other. And both realized this relationship had potential.

The records show we've been together for at least 15,000 years, but I suspect dogs (and their ancestors) have been leading us around for much longer. It's impossible not to see how useful they must have been as an alarm system and hunting partner going back to our cave days. And being with us gave them steady access to a food supply. So this has been a win-win relationship from the start. Dogs gave humans a better chance to survive, and vice-versa. So we grew up together.

When humans first came across the Bering Strait, they brought dogs with them. There's even the possibility that they couldn't have made the trip without dogs to pull their sleds.

Most relationships would get old after this long, but not us. If anything, our need for them has increased over time, but in different ways. We may not need hunting partners as much, but their incredible skills for guide/assistance animals, security, search & rescue, and many other jobs, make them invaluable.

Sometimes they can even drive us around (Thank you, Doreen!)

But the most basic part of the deal is still companionship. Humans seem to have an instinctive need for different species companionship. And they like us, too. Because of the nature of the Grumpy household (3 dogs) there is inevitably at least one in our bed at night, and another in a kid's bed. There's something very primordial about dozing off next to a dog. You can envision our mutual ancestors in a cave, with a fire in the background, huddling together with a wild dog for warmth. And as you fall asleep, the dog has one eye on the entrance to warn you of danger.

And on that note, for those of you who didn't notice her name added last month, I'd like to introduce Mello:




How much is that doggy in the window?


Mello is maybe 2 years old, and was found wandering downtown Grumpyville by employees at Mrs. Grumpy's job. She had no collar or chip, and after combing through multiple lost pet sites, and looking for "lost dog" signs, we were unable to locate her owner. So she has now joined Snowball and Cooper in the Grumpy insane asylum.





Making herself at home.

She is an awesome dog, and we are lucky to have her. Great dogs can be found anywhere. All of the Grumpy dogs have been rescue animals, and if you're looking for a new companion, I recommend adopting from your local shelter.

You (and your new friend) will be thankful you did.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Today's quiz: Drug ads

The lady in this picture:

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A. Is doing the neurology mating ritual.

B. Will be electrocuted if she touches a light switch.

C. Hates shag carpeting.

D. Is performing an interpretive dance to "If I Only had a Brain"

E. Is supposed to have Restless Leg Syndrome.

Patient quote of the day

"It was a serious fall. I cracked all the tibias in my arms, legs, and back."

If I have to hear it, you do too

For some reason today I've been infected with an earworm, featuring this classic Monty Python number. So, since I seem to be stuck with it, I'm sharing it with you guys.

Mary, make an appointment for her

It is never a good sign when:

The Monday before Thanksgiving a drug rep who sells Alzheimer's medication drops off a jack-o-lantern bag full of cookies, with a note that says "Happy Halloween!"

Ever.

Sunday morning, 2:18 a.m.

My cell phone wakes me with a message. It's a patient with a relatively urgent question.

I knew the call would take a while, so stopped in the bathroom, then walked to my home office, flipped on my computer, and opened the patient's chart. This took maybe 5 minutes from the original message.

Then I dialed him up.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call."

Mr. Etiquette: "Um, huh, oh."

Dr. Grumpy: "You called me?"

Mr. Etiquette: "Man, you just woke me up."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sorry. What can I do for you?"

Mr. Etiquette: "Took you long enough to call back, and I dozed off again. I can't believe you woke me up."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, in your call you said..."

Mr. Etiquette: "That doesn't matter. I can't believe you woke me up. This is incredibly rude."

(hangs up)

How can I leave this behind?

Okay. There are many ways to give yourself a bigger butt if you so desire (I personally like eating PB M&M's).

But injecting your ass with "Fix-a-Flat" isn't one of them.

Thank you, Rick & EMTGFP!

Medical marijuana

In my career I've caught 5 patients smoking marijuana in the hospital, roughly 2 years apart from each other.

For reasons I don't understand, all 5 times they were in the same telemetry room.

There is nothing special about this room. It's a generic room on the 7th floor, facing the nurses station, but no more or less so than any other room. Different nurses have come and gone. But patients keep smoking weed in there.

Room 7310 is truly one of the great mysteries of the universe.

More fun with Mary

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Miss Meyer: "Hi! I'm having terrible back pain and need to get into Dr. Grumpy right away! It's an emergency. I can't even sit for more than a few minutes!"

Mary: "Well, you're in luck. Our 3:00 patient just canceled, so he can see you this afternoon."

Miss Meyer: "Oh, I can't do that. I have tickets for the premier of 'Breaking Dawn.' "

Nuts and bolts

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Lost: "Hi, I can't find your office."

Mary: "Okay, where are you?"

Mr. Lost: "I'm at the hardware store, like you said."

Mary: "I said we were across from the hospital."

Mr. Lost: "Oh. Well, I'm at the hardware store, in paints."

Mary: "Well, your appointment is NOW. Can you come over here?"

Mr. Lost: "It would be a lot easier to find if you guys were in the hardware store. I think more people come here than the hospital."

Today's criminal tip

When going to court, keep in mind:

1. Don't steal a car to get there.

2. Don't park the stolen vehicle in the police department's lot.

Like this lady.

Journal of Grumpy Physics

Theory: Various mathematical models have been used to postulate the motions of planets, galaxies, neutrinos, baseballs, and other objects of varying mass. However, the movements of certain objects are less predictable. An ongoing study into the variable location over time of one of these items has revealed, to date, no clear pattern for its movement.

Methods: In 2000 an unidentified hospital staff member placed a 24 oz plastic flask of Nestle Coffeemate (Hazelnut flavor) into a nursing station refrigerator on the 8th floor of Local Hospital. A regional neurologist has casually noted the movements of the flask of proto-dairy product at intermittent intervals over time while scavenging for Diet Coke. The flask has been consistently identified over time by it's original expiration date (February, 2002) stamped on the rim.

Findings: The Coffeemate bottle has now been in the refrigerator for over 10 years. Careful observation (okay, lifting and shaking it a little from time-to-time) showed that its weight gradually decreased in the first several months of it's presence, then stabilized. While weight can vary depending on local gravity, the Earth's gravitational force has not changed substantially during this time, nor has the hospital been relocated to a planet with lesser gravity. The contents have not been directly inspected by the author during this time.

The bottle has remained on the same shelf (center shelf, refrigerator door) since its original placement. Its specific location on the shelf has varied (sometimes next to the Ranch dressing, at other times between the ketchup and mustard, and once briefly near a bottle of banana-based ketchup that a Filipino traveling nurse brought). Overall its location has been reasonably predictable within the limitations of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and Schrodinger's cat.

Results: It's still there.

Discussion: There have been a number of postulates to explain this sort of object persistence. While local changes in Brownian kinetics or gravity are possible, the most likely cause of the flask's roughly unchanged location is attributable to the nature of Homo Sapiens. This local species appears to be disinterested in removing objects that are not the direct property of a given individual. Therefore, it's likely that only the specific animal which originally placed the Coffeemate on the shelf will be inclined to retrieve it, regardless of its current condition.

Its persistence, in spite of clearly being empty for several years, is likely due to one or more of the following possibilities:

1. The original owner no longer works at the hospital, or at least not on that floor.
2. The original owner has forgotten it's theirs, and therefore isn't touching it.
3. People are lazy.

It should be noted that item #3 is actually a unifying theorem for #1 & #2.

In conclusion, the author would like to note that I didn't put it there either, and so I ain't touching the freakin' bottle. The last time I tried to do something nice like that I almost got my hand chewed off by a rabid oncology nurse.