Saturday, January 11, 2014

Today's tips

1. If you drive, don't drive drunk.

2. If you get caught for driving drunk, don't drive drunk again.

3. If you get caught for driving drunk a second time, don't drive drunk again.

4. If the police notice you're driving erratically because you're drunk (again), pull over.

5. Do not run away from your vehicle in the forest.

6. If you run away from your vehicle, do not leave your wallet in it.

7. Do not run through deep snow. You leave footprints.

8. If it is cold out, do not toss your jacket aside. If the footprints keep going, they will follow them, not your jacket.

9. Do not climb a frozen tree, especially to a height of 30 feet. You're not fooling anyone.

10. If cornered by police while up in the tree, do not ask them if they caught "the guy who was driving" in slurred speech.

11. If the police point out that there was only one set of tracks, do not insist that "the other guy" (presumably the one who was driving) carried you on his back.

12. Insisting that you're an innocent owl, instead of a drunk guy in a tree, isn't going to fool them.

13. Shaking the branches to make snow fall on officers, and then yelling "Look! It's snowing!" isn't going to make them go away. They will just get a chainsaw.

14. Claiming that you were "just out for a run" isn't compatible with previously claiming to have been an owl. They fly.

And if you don't think one drunk guy could do all of the above, think again.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the good laugh doctor G!

Officer Cynical said...

Another one drunk behind the wheel of a moving car, but not the one who was driving. Freaky!

Ms. Donna said...

Officer Cynical, I am sure you have heard stories like this. But this one is GOOD. No one, except the owl's good name, was hurt. I hope.

Anonymous said...

Help Woodsy spread the word...

Anonymous said...

These are the people whom we in Connecticut fondly call "Massholes."

Anonymous said...

"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Anonymous said...

Why did the cops need a search dog if there were footprints in the snow...?

Shelly said...

Your account was more fun to read!

Anonymous said...

I saw a cougar asleep in a tree once. Granted it wasn't an owl, or a guy who thought he was an owl.

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