Thursday, October 31, 2013

Fine, then call Google

Dr. Grumpy: "What you have is called Essential Tremor. It's a form of tremor that..."

Mrs. Parscompacta: "Wait, are you saying I don't have Parkinson's disease?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Correct. Essential tremor is a different disorder that..."

Mrs. Parscompacta: "This is ridiculous. Of course I have Parkinson's disease."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why do you say that?"

Mrs. Parscompacta: "Because the internet says I do!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Ma'am, I can assure you that you don't..."

Mrs. Parscompacta: "I DEMAND YOU DIAGNOSE ME WITH PARKINSON'S DISEASE!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Why do you want Parkinson's Disease?"

Mrs. Parscompacta: "I'm your customer, damn it! Haven't you ever heard 'the customer is always right'?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, but for this..."

Mrs. Parscompacta: "You're the 3rd neurologist I've seen, too. Obviously, I've learned more from Google than you idiots did in training."

30 comments:

instant student said...

I bet she already told everyone her "diagnosis" and is afraid to tell them the truth now.

Julie said...

Good grief ...

Anonymous said...

Don't tell me they breed...

PediNP said...

More and more, every day. (sigh)

Dr Google is not our friend.

awesomesauciness said...

Which reminds me...earlier this week, a text convo with me and my youngest daughter about her child:

"What would make MJ throw up once, and have a sore throat?"

"Strep"

"She doesn't have a fever."

"Doesn't matter, look at her throat and tonsils. Are they swollen? Red? See any spots?"

"Ugh...all of the above."

"Strep.She needs amoxi"

(at this point I should dodge the screamers about 'too much antibiotics' to qualify my statements with this - first I am NOT a doctor, and second I had an untreated case of strep as a child that led to rheumatic fever, so I see strep as an evil shit that needs killing with fire)

A day later...

"Mom, now MJ has a rash"

"Common with strep. Did you go to the doctor?"

"No"

"She needs amoxi"

The next morning I get a picture of MJ, her entire face is swollen.

"MOM! What is THIS??"

"Strep. Her lymph glands are swollen. Look, just check mayoclinic.com or WebMD for the signs/symptoms of strep."

"NO WAY I'M DOING THAT!!"

"Why?"

"Because no matter WHAT the symptoms, it always leads to 'you have cancer'"

Which is a long way of saying, perhaps all roads don't lead to cancer, and some lead to Parkinson's and the Internet as a doctor is an evil shit that needs to die with fire. Do you think amoxi will kill it?

Anonymous said...

Dr google just diagnosed my dog's rapidly growing neck mass as lymphoma or some other type of cancer with sarcoma in the name.

To be fair, vet even thought it was most likely cancer, although he wouldn't specify a type.

Turned out to be inflammatory response to infection. Dr Google wrong again!

Anonymous said...

Dr Google has misdiagnosed many of my speech therapy kids with autism.

Problem is that he doesn't communicate with the parents of the kids who ACTUALLY have autism.

Packer said...

I am worried I think I might have essential tremor, I just googled it.

Moose said...

The phrase "The customer is always right" was invented as an advertising slogan decades ago, and somehow got held on as some kind of truth.

Which just continues to prove my belief of Rule One: PEOPLE ARE MORONS.

Anonymous said...

I bet this person is just like your patient from the other day who "isn't the pill taking type"...she'll bitch about lack of knowledge/treatment/"I live with this condition you don't"/"I'm the exception" blah blah blah...and then bitch when she doesn't get healthy.

Yep, the customer is always right. In their own minds.

bobbie said...

One can only sigh...

ye olde clap chaser said...

Ah yes.. must be a relative of a patient I saw.
He diagnosed himself with Herpes type II, ordered medicine from a foreign pharmacy (!) and treated himself. After one month when the 'Herpes' had not resolved he came to our clinic where he was dx'd and treated for HPV.

Ms. Donna said...

Yes, they do breed. That is why MDs are supposed to get patience (NOT patient) glands.

Of course, the rate of rejection . . .

Anonymous said...

"And you don't want to know how many search engines I had to try."

MDaisy said...

Time to call Marcus Sickby for a consult. He was a famous TV "doc" and I am sure he'd make a great Internet "doc" too.

Anonymous said...

My, oh my.

Some people's kids.

I don't know about you, but I don't think I would dare call myself a 'customer' at the doctor's office, unless, I had actually stopped in a gas station, or grocery, or another sort of variety store, thought a few minutes about my random impulsive purchase, compared prices, looked at the most colorful packaging and decided for myself what I wanted to buy, based on the advice of my child's 3rd grade teacher--Think 'Head On', the person that files my nails--Think 'Revlon' or rakes the lawn--Think 'Scott's Lawn', or came over to the house when the septic system needed Roto-Rooter.

The 'customer' mentality, as Moose suggests, is a business lingoism, associated with 'Completely satisfied or your money back' and 'try it, if you don't like it after 3 days, return it for exchange or refund'. Or, possibly even, 'we guarantee we'll have it for you in 3 days or you get it free', 'no rain-checks', and 'available while in stock'.

This doesn't even sound like the art or science of medicine.

If she wants to be a 'customer' perhaps, she should play the slots and see how it works out for her at Vegas.

Mad Jack said...

Refer her to a specialist - Doctor Headshrinker.

Steeny Lou said...

Sounds like someone malingering in order to get disability benefits.

Anonymous said...

I had one call me the other day, asked if she should give her dog baby aspirin or put her back on prednisone. Told her it would be better to stick with the prednisone than switch back and forth between the two drugs, since you need to have 3 unmedicated days between these particular meds to avoid the bad, and would she like a script called in for the prednisone? "Oh, well I've been giving her the baby aspirin for two days now. Does that mean I have to wait three days to give her prednisone? She's limping pretty bad."

Headdesk. Yes, yes you do. And next time you want my advice on how best to treat your pet, please call BEFORE you've guessed wrong and effed up the treatment plan.

Anonymous said...

Anon 10:15, I know of a dog who had been diagnosed with lymphoma last week, based on the neck and side fatty tumor like things, plus several labs. Now he needs doggy hospice, very sad. Glad that your puppy is OK.

Awesome... hope that your daughter got hipped and finally took her daughter to the Pediatrician. How long does it take to know that she is really sick?

I do love Dr. Google though.

Doug DeJulio said...

He should have stuck with essential tremor. My dad has it, and has found that wine can be used to mitigate the symptoms.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Parscompacta: "You're the 3rd neurologist I've seen, too."

IANAMD, but I think my reply would have been, "Let's make it an even four. Next!"

arzt4empfaenger said...

Might she be looking for a certain type of disability? No one wants to be diagnosed with PD!

swwoodsy said...

OTOH, my grandmother, who was in a nursing home following a stroke, had a diagnosed familial tremor (her father had it, too), not Parkinson's. EVERY YEAR, at least twice, she was sent to the neurologist by the new MD at the nursing home for evaluation for Parkinson's. Every year.

The neurologist would say, "Ms. Killen, why are you here again? You don't have Parkinson's."

And being old and free with her words, she would reply, "That's what I told that asshole, but he didn't listen."

WordyGirl said...

Hmm . . . I wonder if that was my mother-in-law. Dr. Google is her *favorite* physician!

Anonymous said...

Ms. Parscompacta will find neurologist #5 - Dr. Quackster (who isn't a real neurologist and who has practiced in 8 different states in the past 10 years, but always staying just under the radar of his or her regulatory board). Dr. Quackster will tell her that she does, indeed, have Parkinson's, as any good neurologist should have been able to tell, and the best treatment will be for him to administer twice-weekly infusions of a chelating agent and intravenous hydrogen peroxide, which is not covered by the backward-thinking insurers, as well as mega-doses of vitamins, which she can buy only from him. Having received the attention and dismal diagnosis that she craves, she will file complaints at the medical board about you four idiots who did not correctly diagnose and treat her. Now, she is MY problem ... thanks a lot. TCG

Abigail Cashelle said...

It's not the "patient is always right" but the "customer is always right". You're not technically a service-based industry unless she's a cash-pay patient. Then maybe. If insurance is involved, then there's their ethics board. Besides, you have medical ethics board plus... plus... plus....

Yes, there is something wrong. Yes, we need to do something about it. No, I'm not a robot.

Abigail

Anonymous said...

Hey, could you diagnose me with synesthesia? I've always wanted that.

Anonymous said...

Wordygirl. Is that you Jan?

Charlie's Dragon said...

As someone who has ET and spend some time googling before I was diagnosed, yes, it can be confused with Parkinson, but all in all ET is less of a bad diagnosis than Parkinson. No matter how pig-headed you are and how much you dislike being proved wrong, just take the ET diagnosis and smile...

And as for wine helping with ET: All alcoholic beverages do, the trick is just to stop before you get uncoordinated due to drunkenness. :P

 
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