Friday, November 9, 2012

With my most sincere apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan

I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
I've information vegetable, animal, and extramarital
I know the men of power, and I quote affairs historical
From Clinton through to Spitzer, in order categorical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters infidelical
I understand positions, both the simple and quadratical.
About the bedroom theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the secrets of my private muse.

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the iPhone numbers of ladies infinitacus
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and Sildenafil,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

I know our mythic history, Fatal Attraction and The Graduate;
I answer ads on Craigslist, I've a pretty taste to fornicate
I quote in hidden diaries my flings in far Arabious
When up-close I can tell peculiarities paralabious;
I can bounce undoubted playmates whilst on a waterbed afloat
I know the moaning chorus from my 8-track of ye olde Deep Throat
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the panting din afore,
And secretly record them all with CIA gadgets galore.

Then I can put a lingerie bill on my private credit card
And teach you ev'ry detail of what it takes to get me hard
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and genital,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

In fact, when I know the secrets of a Langley Hilton one-night-stand
When I can tell at sight a Trojan from a Durex lamb,
When at affairs as sorties and surprises is so fun to be,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "promiscuity"
When I have learnt what progress has been made in male gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than Hugh Hefner in a bunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental adultery
You'll say a hotter Major-General has never before slept with thee.

For my orolingual knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
For I have only been going down since the beginning of this century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and extramarital,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

The above is only vaguely based on the recent events concerning General David Petraeus. It is not meant to be taken as anything other than silly satire, and a pathetic attempt to procrastinate on reading a pile of EEG's until tomorrow.

Thank you, S.M.O.D., for the original idea.


S.M.O.D. said...

you are the master. I bow in awe.

Anonymous said...

That is wonderful! As a G&S fan, I salute you, sir. Well-done.

bobbie said...

Well done, sir ~ well done!!

Dr. Cranquis said...


Anonymous said...

Wonderful. I laughed out loud.

Anonymous said...

Have you recently experienced any decreased in libido?
Do you still have morning erection?
Any pain your legs on walking?

Sorry could not comment in any different way... Just took my USMLE CS exam....

Crazy RxMan said...

What annoys me is that the media is so predictable
On matters that are so despictable
Oh how I wish there were more heroes like Dr. Grumpy
Instead of CIA guys who are so humpy.

Ms. Donna said...

I suspect Mrs. General David Petraeus will be sending the *&^% (I recall my mother saying a lady does not use THOSE words in public) to one of the Yak Herder's tribe.

I am sure she wants to give him a few injuries, and he deserves them.

GREAT poem, Doc, and I hope your pts EEGs are all normal. Doubt it, but I can hope.

Hildy said...

Who knew you were so talented? A regular Allen Sherman!

As an aside (from an air force brat): I suspect there is no such thing as a faithful career serviceman: long deployments, macho culture, alcohol-based existence and too-independent spouses among other inducements. I'm sure Mrs. P isn't surprised by David's current dalliance. She's probably numb to them by now.

Anonymous said...

The last word on REMFs. Dr. Grumpy, we salute you!

lynda t said...


ER's Mom said...

You are fucking awesome. NOW GET TO WORK!!!!


a.generic doc said...

When does the Youtube video with you singing the song come out?

Cam Whitehead said...

NEWSCASTER: A local neurologist has mysteriously disappeared, leaving no clues, a bemused staff, befuddled patients and a son with remarkable hair.

In other news, several unidentified black helicopters were reported flying over town yesterday ....

Anonymous said...

Oh my, so very silopsismical and kilopascally dreadful of you, dear Dr. G.

Anonymous said...

Cam said it best!!

Anonymous said...

Uhhh... What's a quadratical position? That sounds painful...


Anonymous said...

Standing ovation! BRAVO! ENCORE!

...but please tell me, how am I going to get rid of this earworm now? Your sildenafil enriched modern Major General's tune has been following me around for the past 24 hours in an unremitticatious manner!

PS: had Gilbert and Sullivan been around today, they might have admitted that this version is better than their own!

Kat's Kats said...

Brava! Brava! Encore! Encore!

As a filker of many years I bow to you sir! Well done!! I say, well done, sirrah

Li'l Azathoth said...

Three little maids from schools are we,
Posing on a website in girlish glee,
Enter your credit card number and you can see,
Three little maids from school...

stacey said...

Dr. Grumpy,
You are great...
But Tom Lehrer is the master of that song...All the chemical elements...amazing..

Packer said...

I have the feeling that you are not talking about today's leading sex abuse headline.

Woman alleges Waffle House CEO demanded sex acts

And no I am not making that up.

Locations of visitors to this page