Memories...

It was the early 80's, and Big State University was under a reign of terror (okay, more of a reign of creepiness) about an evil criminal mastermind.

I don't remember his name, if I ever knew it at all. One of my co-workers dubbed him "The Mad Whacker". It was as good a title as any.

He had a fetish for buildings. Really. He was sighted in front of various places on and around campus, staring at buildings, and, uh, madly whacking.

But he had a preference for religious places. The Mormon center. The Campus Crusade for Christ office. The Jewish Hillel center. He didn't discriminate. He'd stand in front of them at night, and, if he didn't see anyone immediately around him, do his thing.

Enter into the picture young BSU student Ibee Grumpy.

He was thinking about becoming a doctor someday, so was looking for anything to pad his resumé. More importantly, he was interested in meeting girls. Or at least trying to figure out how to talk to one without barfing from anxiety.

So he joined the campus safety patrol. This group of dedicated (and similarly lonely, resumé padding geeks) carried radios and were tasked with walking girls to different locations around campus at night to help deter crime.

So one night, Student Grumpy was on his way back from walking a girl out to her car, and took a shortcut near the Catholic center.

And there he was.

I don't remember who was working dispatch that night. I think it was a guy named Rob. I picked up my radio, trying not to be too loud.

"Come in, Rob"

(for those of you who remember the scene in Ghostbusters, I felt like Bill Murray, mumbling into the radio "Come in, Ray. It's looking right at me, Ray." And like Bill Murray's character, I was hoping not to get slimed).

Rob: "Dispatch, what's up?"

Student Grumpy: "It's the Mad Whacker, Rob . He's in front of the Catholic Newman Center."

Rob: "Are you shitting me?"

Student Grumpy: "No! Why don't you call someone to come get him? I've only got a radio with me."

Rob: "Okay. Is he almost done?"

Student Grumpy: "How the fuck should I know? You want me to ask him?"

Rob: "Tell him to drop it and put his hands up."

Student Grumpy: "Will you send somebody?"

Rob: "I did, a campus cop is near you and is running over."

At this point the Mad Whacker heard us, and started to run away. Fortunately, the campus cop was already there, and the Whacker couldn't run very fast with his pants around his ankles.

I have no idea where Rob is today.

I never did date any of the girls I met working there, but you all know what happened to Student Grumpy.

I don't know what happened to the Whacker. He's probably teaching kindergarten somewhere today.