Let me think about this one...

Okay, gang. I was doing an online marketing survey last night, and got this question:


"The following are two attributes for a new Parkinson's disease product. Please select which one you find MOST desirable, and which you find LEAST desirable:

Attribute A: Efficacy in improving tremor and balance.

Attribute B: Serious side-effect profile."

Patient testimonials I don't want

Dr. Grumpy: "How have you been doing since starting the Parkinson's medication?"

Mr. Shakes: "Much better. My wife doesn't yell at me as much about my driving. And since you gave me those pills I haven't blown out any tires from hitting the curb, which is nice. Those replacement tires can get expensive."

Dr. Grumpy: "I bet".

Is she a person? A tree? Both?

From another physician's note:

"During the seizure she was shaking all her limbs, as well as all four extremities".

More drug company toys

For those of you who missed my previous post on drug company gadgetry, click here.

Okay, this awesome doodad was dropped off at my office last month. I took some shots of it when I had time, but didn't get to put them up until now.

This AMAZING doohickey thingamajig is designed to demonstrate how gout happens.

So let's start with the first shot. The yellow slider is on the right, showing a LOW blood level of uric acid. The patient on the left looks comfortable, and the joint shown has a soothing shade of blue.





BUT NOW we slide the yellow switch over to the left, RAISING the blood's uric acid level. The patient's joints now glow red (get it? He's hurting?) and the big joint on the right is now bright red, with sharp, ugly, uric acid crystals causing gout pain.





Isn't it amazing what technology can do these days? And I can't even use it for a fish tank. Look for it at my next garage sale. After I remove the AA batteries to use in my Wiimote.

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

I'd like to tell the unknown persons who broke in and stole a bunch of my school's band's musical instruments last night that you are complete utter worthless asshole scum.

The school is too poor to buy replacements. Those were bought several years ago on a fundraising drive from the band, and have been carefully kept up since then, at teacher and student's personal expense.

I know that in a world of crappy economy, a horrible earthquake in Haiti, wars, and famine, a few instruments in a school for underprivileged children (many of whom live in shelters) are minor compared to the big picture of human suffering.

But to some of the kids here, they were everything.

And I hope you rot in hell.

Attention patients!

Telling me that you were in ER with a bloody nose last night is good enough for me. I trust you.

I SWEAR that it is NOT necessary for you to whip out your iPhone and show me pictures of blood and mucus streaming down your face. Or to show me the tail of the gauze sponge that is still lodged up there.

Thank you for your consideration.

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Sunday evening, 7:05 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Sue: "Goddammit... Sue! Did you call the doctor?"

Sue (in background): "Yes."

Mr. Sue: "Well it's him. Why the hell did you let me answer the phone if you knew he'd be calling?"

Sue (in background): "I told you not to answer the phone, and that I'd get it."

Mr. Sue: "You didn't say a fucking thing! Why would I answer the damn phone if I knew it wasn't for me?"

Sue (in background): "I don't know. I told you I'd called him, but it's not like you ever listen to me anyway."

Mr. Sue: "Well it's not like you ever have anything worthwhile to say."

Sue (in background): "You're such a..."

(click).

They never called back, either. I was kind of disappointed. It was starting to get interesting.

Store update

Okay, at the request of readers who have written in I've put up a few new items. I've been meaning to do this for a while, but yesterday had the time to do so while I was being held hostage at Chuck-E-Cheese (their motto: "Where a kid can be a terrorist").

One is an I HATE CALL!!! t-shirt, to which I've added some artistic culture by including that classic portrait of an on-call physician, The Scream by Edvard Munch.





The second is a shirt inspired by my popular intercourse post.

All available at the world-famous Grumpy Boutique.

Pharmacy quiz

Okay, today we have a special quiz, written with my pharmacy readers in mind.

You are a pharmacist or pharmacy technician, working at a large hospital. You receive an order for Fukitol, which says "Give patient Fukitol, 1 tablet upon waking each morning and one at noon".

You interpret this to mean:

A: Give twice a day, 1 pill when the patient wakes up and 1 pill at noon.

B: Give one 1 pill each day ONLY if the patient wakes up at noon.


If you answered B, thank you for taking the time to argue with me on the phone this morning. I really appreciated it when you said "maybe you should go back to school".

Saturday rounds

Al: "Telemetry desk, this is Al."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy. Did Mrs. Stroke, in room 843, do anything funny on the cardiac monitor overnight?"

Al: "Excuse me? Are you a family member of the patient?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm her attending physician, and I was wondering if she had any more cardiac arrythmias."

Al: "I can't tell you that. We have privacy laws."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm her freaking doctor! You have the phone ID right there! You can see I'm calling from the 8th floor nurses station!"

Al: "Look, whoever you are, I just started here..."

Dr. Grumpy: "No kidding."

Al: "...and in school we learned about the importance of patient privacy laws and... HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!"

(long pause, whispers at the other end)

(new voice comes on the line) "This is Cheryl, the telemetry supervisor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, thank God. It's Grumpy."

Cheryl: "I'm terribly sorry. You know how the new ones are. Her cardiac telemetry was normal."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thank you for getting on the phone."

Cheryl: "Anytime."

My Readers Write

I'd like to thank Andrea, who sent me this great marketing example. She says it was taken at Walgreen's.

It's a bag of Chocolate Bridge Mix, creatively placed with the feminine hygiene products.

Life During Wartime

I can hear children screaming. Adults trying to calm them down.
I can smell something burning in the distance.
A mass of humanity pushes and pulls aimlessly.
Starving people surround me.
Police in riot gear should be here, with tear gas and water cannons.
But no one comes to help.
I tell myself "this can't be America"
But it is.
I tell myself "this can't be my hometown"
But it is.

It's school fundraiser night at Local Buffet.

Friday Afternoon Whatever

Mr. Tremor: "I think I have Parkinson's Disease, like that black guy, Martin Luther King."

Dr. Grumpy: "Martin Luther King...? Uh, you mean Muhammad Ali?"

Mr. Tremor: "Whatever."

The other side of the sample case

Drug reps get a bad rap, though I often try to stand up for them. Certainly, some are ill-mannered, but I like most.

And today, I like them, or at least sympathize with them, even more.

As my regular readers know, I have a few side jobs outside of my regular practice. Most involve research and consulting, but occasionally a drug company will ask me to do a speaking gig about their product (if you have a problem with me doing this, sorry).

So yesterday, I got to be a drug rep (sort-of) for one hour. I was asked to accompany a guy named Mike, who's a nice rep, to give a brief talk & answer questions during a lunch he was hosting at Large & Soulless Internal Medicine, P.C.

And guess what I found (as if I didn't already know): A LOT OF OTHER DOCTORS ARE ASSES!

Now, I know that doesn't come as a surprise to many of you (especially the nurses), but I was a bit stunned to see it from a drug rep's view.

During my hour in that office's break room, I encountered 5 physicians. Keep in mind that this was a scheduled event for the physicians' day, NOT a drop-in.


Physician #1:

Dr. Rushed: "HelloI'mDoctorRushedwhatproductdoyouhave?"

Mike: "I carry Limpeter, an FDA approved treatment for Neuropriapism, and this is Dr. Grumpy. He's a neurologist out on the west side, and..."

Dr. Rushed: "Goodtomeetyoudoyouknowmyhusbandhe'sacardiologistonthewestside?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, I..."

Dr. Rushed: "Goodtomeetyouthankyouforlunch." (Grabs sandwich, runs out of room).



Physician #2:

Dr. Rood: "Yeah, what?" (grabs sandwich, stuffs in mouth)

Mike: "I carry Limpeter, an FDA approved treatment for Neuropriapism, and this is Dr. Grumpy. He's a neurologist out on the west side, and..."

Dr. Rood: (still chewing) "mmf yourf a doctor? You came to my office dreffed like that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, I just came from my office."

Dr. Rood: "Whatever. I don't talk to you drug people, anyway" (leaves)



Physician #3:

Dr. Unseen: (loud voice outside breakroom) "It's a rep? I don't want to see a fucking rep! I hate reps! They're all sleazy. I'll just wait till they leave, then go get something to eat."



Physician #4:

Dr. Whine: "Okay, so what is this?"

Mike: "I carry Limpeter, an FDA approved treatment for Neuropriapism, and this is Dr. Grumpy. He's a neurologist out on the west side.."

Dr. Whine: "I used to not treat Neuropriapism. But now I do."

Mike: "Well, several studies have shown the efficacy of Limpeter for..."

Dr. Whine: "Mr. Grumpy, do you treat this?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, I..."

Dr. Whine: "I'm sorry, did you say you're a PA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm a doctor, a neurologist, and I use Limpeter in my practice for..."

Dr. Whine: "You know, Dr. Newmom, who works here, sort of, treats a lot of Neuropriapism patients. But she took a month off to have a baby, which is pretty damn unreasonable of her if you ask me, and so all her fucking Neuropriapism patients are seeing me now, so I could use this."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, in several studies..."

Dr. Whine: "Don't you think that's ridiculous to take a whole month off to have a kid? I mean, it's not like she was in labor for the whole damn time, or had a C-section. I could see a 3-day weekend, but not a whole month."

Mike: "I..."

Dr. Whine: "Do either of you guys know anything about computerized chart systems? Our practice just switched to FubarMED, and I can't get it to work."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I use..."

Dr. Whine: "Thank you for lunch." (grabs sandwich, walks out)



Physician #5:

Dr. Magnon was a guy who kept sticking his head in the breakroom. He'd yell "I'll be back in a minute! I have a question for you guys!" Then disappear, stick his head back in 5 minutes later and yell the same thing, and did this repeatedly. Mike hadn't gotten to talk to Dr. Magnon before, so we waited for him.

Finally, after 40 minutes, Dr. Magnon runs in.

Mike: "Hi, Dr. Magnon, I'm here with Dr. Grumpy and..."

Dr. Magnon: "Hey, do you guys know where the nearest gas station is?"

Mike: (whips out iPhone) "Sure, hang on... here it is, 1 block south and right around the corner."

Dr. Magnon: "Thank you." (grabs a sandwich, runs out. Through the window Mike and I watch him walk to his car and drive off).



When I got back to my office I told Dr. Pissy that I had no idea how benign he and I were until today.