Crime and Punishment 2

So, as you guys remember, a few weeks ago I had to go to the Grumpyville misdemeanor court & entertainment venue for a speeding ticket that wasn't even mine.

This was the other notable case of the day:

 
Judge Judy: “Okay, next case is Tom Collins, warrant for missing a court appearance for DUI.”

Clerk: “This one is a dial in, your Honor. I’ll put on speakerphone.”

Mr. Collins: “Uh, hello, this is Tom Collins.”

Judge Judy: “Hi, Mr. Collins. Okay, you are charged with having missed a court appearance last week for a DUI charge. How do you plead to the charge of not being in court?”

Mr. Collins: “Uh, I was in jail, your honor.”

Judge raises her eyebrows, looks at her clerk.

Clerk (frantically typing on computer): “Um… yeah, it shows he was incarcerated effective 2 weeks ago.”

Judge Judy: “So…. are you still in prison?”

Mr. Collins: “Yes, your honor, do you need to verify with the guard here?”

Judge looks at a paper the clerk hands her.

Judge Judy: “No… so it says you’re in prison now for 3 other DUI’s?”

Mr. Collins: “Yes, that’s why I couldn’t be at the court appearance for the 4th.”

Judge: “Okay. So, what I’ll do is I’m going to drop the warrant, and dismiss the charge of missing the court appearance. The fine for the DUI is $7500. How long are you in jail for?”

Mr. Collins: "Until May 18, 2034, your honor.”

Judge Judy: “All right... I’ll suspend the payment for $7500 until June, 2034. So after you’re released from custody, within 2 weeks you’ll need to call the court here to check in and set-up a payment plan.”

Mr. Collins: “Thank you, your honor.”

Judge Judy hung up, looked at the clerk. Clerk shrugged her shoulders. 

Judge Judy: "NEXT!"

Security

Hi, it's Marie.

I'm still working part-time at the front desk of the Grumpyville Playhouse.

Recently we were hosting some sort of event. I really don't pay attention, no matter what it is I still just answer the phones and tell people the restrooms are down the hall on the right.

Anyway, after a round of drinks and hors d'oeuvres the crowd staggered inside to listen to a speaker. Since it was then quiet I got my phone and returned to playing scrabble with my bozo brother Craig and his hair.

I didn't even notice when a lady came over.

Lady: "Excuse, me miss."

Marie: "They're down the hall, on the right."

Lady: "There's an unattended package over there."

Marie: "Huh?"

Lady: "Over there, near the coffee station, next to the trash can. It looks like a backpack."

Sure enough, there was a backpack on the floor. Granted, it was probably nothing, but I'm supposed to call security. Fortunately, Big Phil was just outside, having a smoke and admiring his forearm tattoos. I didn't even need to call him because the busybody ran over herself. 

Lady: "Sir, there's an unattended backpack over by the coffee station."

Big Phil sighed, looked at me, crushed out his cigarette, and went over.

Big Phil: "Yeah, okay. Marie, did you see who left that here?" 

Marie: "No."

Big Phil: "Can you see a name tag sticking out or anything?"

Marie: "Let me see."

Lady: "OH! I'm sorry. It's, uh, mine."

Big Phil and I looked at her, then at each other, then back to her.

Lady: "I really thought mine was under my seat in the theater. This is really embarrassing. I, um, need to, uh leave now."

She picked up the backpack and ran out to the parking lot.

Long pause.

Big Phil: "She could at least have offered me a cigarette."