Friday, February 24, 2017

Breaking news

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy brings you the stories that impact your lives.

DATELINE: New Brunswick.

Two men were arrested for going through a McDonald's drive-thru on a moving sofa at 3:19 a.m.

The home furnishing, also called a couch, was being towed by a 3rd man riding an ATV, also called a deathtrap. The passengers went over to order some McEdibles.

Apparently going into a drive-thru on a towed couch is illegal there (I had no idea this was such a common crime that a specific law was needed) so a police officer pulled in behind them and turned on his lights. This resulted in the ATV guy and couch driving off (down a frozen river, no less) leaving his partners behind.

The two men, not surprisingly, were intoxicated.

Cpl. Lorri McEachern, of the New Brunswick police, commented that, in spite of riding drunk on a towed sofa in winter in the middle on the night, both men were wearing helmets "so obviously safety was somewhat important."

DATELINE: Arizona AND Florida

Robert Bare, tired of life in Bullhead City, Arizona, decided to take a vacation in Key West, Florida. As part of his relaxation he wanted to "party" (his word, not mine) and mailed a box of crystal meth from his home to the hotel he'd booked.

Regrettably, Mr. Bare forgot to address the box to himself, simply writing the name of the hotel on it. So the staff opened it and were surprised to find some Walter White confectionary wrapped in dirty socks. Mr. Bare had, however, been kind enough to put his name and home as the return address on the package.

Following his arrival, Mr. Bare was arrested by an undercover detective when he tried to reclaim his package "after a brief struggle in the lobby."

DATELINE: California

A fellow stole a van from a mortuary in Riverside. After a short distance, however, he discovered there was a dead body in the back.

Apparently not wanting the passenger, he drove back to the mortuary, politely parked the van and its occupant where he'd found them, THEN took another van next to it (I assume he checked the back first), nearly running over a mortuary employee in the process.

While stealing van #2 he somehow failed to notice a police officer standing there, investigating the theft of the first van. The intrepid officer apprehended him after a chase.

DATELINE: Mississippi

From the "somehow I think there's more to this story" department.

Shane Treadaway was found hanging upside down and buck naked from a tree in the forest.

Mr. Treadaway, who was rescued by the local fire department, said he'd climbed the tree to look for a dog, and fell. Apparently all of his clothes came off in the process.

His girlfriend, who happened to be at the scene, ran to a nearby house to get help.


Officer Cynical said...

Everyone knows you go through a drive-thru sitting in a desk chair. It has wheels. Duh.

Packer said...

New Brunswick NJ is the home of Rutgers University, The State University of NJ.
I suspect that is the New Brunswick we are speaking of for the obvious reasons.

Why mail Crystal Meth to Florida, Coals to Newcastle and all that.

The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime, but usually he doesn't run over a cop.

A Tree is often referred to as a Mississippi Sex Swing, well at least ii is in Alabama.

Anonymous said...

@Packer - looks like this is the New Brunswick in Canada, not the New Brunswick in NJ. Nice to see that New Jersey is not the capital of Stupid for a change (Cite: I grew up in NJ).

Packer said...


What Exit?

How did you make good on your escape ?

Tarquin "R.J." Toffeebridge V said...

Well, when you have the munchies AND couch lock, what else are you supposed to do?

Anonymous said...

I'll bet that when that guy gets out of jail, he's going to leave a scathing review of the Inn at Key West on TripAdvisor.

Anonymous said...

He should have kept the van with the dead body. He could have used it to drive in the HOV lane.

Anonymous said...

We all know that the guy in the tree was not looking for his dog. He and his lady were both sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G. And he fell and got stuck. She had better balance or was smarter or had more initiative and got down and got him help.

Anonymous said...

Moss play?

Anonymous said...

practicing for burning man....

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