Monday, October 5, 2015

Summer vacation, day 11

The cabins, like most, have a set of light switches by the door and another next to the bed. On this ship they were at the pillow level behind the bed, where they were easy to bump into. As a result it was not uncommon to stretch or roll over at 2:00 a.m. and suddenly be woken by all the lights to flip  on and blind you. This also caused the interesting phenomenon of walking by cabins of newlyweds and seeing a strobe light effect flickering under the door.

One nice thing about a cruise, if you're into this sort of thing, is that you never have to go too long without alcohol. Walking down to breakfast this sign greets you:

Now they actually have a plan where, for roughly $60 per day, you have unlimited access to alcohol. Not being much of an ethanol consumer, I'm perfectly happy with the $7/day all-you-can-chug Diet Coke card. Because I know I'm going to come out ahead on that one.

Today was the ship’s Egg Drop Challenge. This is something Marie cannot resist doing, so she signed up. The rules were pretty simple, though one in particular caught my eye:

"Wait, what does 'self-distructing' mean?"

Seriously? “Hey, Suzy's baby is chunky. Let’s duct tape the egg to him.”

Craig commented “You have to wonder how many people actually tried this before they decided to ban it.” Walking down to the contest I had images of someone tossing an Irish Setter with an egg strapped to it off the 7th floor balcony.

Some of these things were remarkably elaborate. One family had a shoe-box painted to look like a totem pole, and had attached "wings" on the side made of inflated rubber gloves they'd gotten from housekeeping. These people were SERIOUS. How serious? I'd noticed them testing this thing a few days ago by tossing it off the railing 2 floors above the aft pool.

Another team, lower tech, had taken a duffel bag filled with dirty clothes and stuck the egg in it.

Marie's gadget consisted of the egg surrounded by a proprietary mixture of shredded toilet paper and peanut butter, packed in the middle of 2 paper cups and wrapped with duct tape (yes she'd brought a roll of duct tape on the trip).

Her egg survived, but so did many others. So, when it was all over the winner was decided by having the audience applaud for whoever the cutest looking team was. Which inevitably ends up being either Golden Girl types or little kids. In this case it was the little kids who took home the water bottles.

After this high-stakes competition, I decided to go relax in the hot tub (you guys know how much I love hot tubs). Unfortunately, the ones in the adults-only “Sanctuary” area were full, and the mid-ship ones were full of small kids and the water was kind of yellowish. So I went out to the pair on the fantail. They were delightfully empty, with only a few people in each one.

I was in there about 15 minutes when I noticed the temperature around me was dropping. At first I thought we were sailing into a colder area, then realized they were draining the hot tub... with me in it.

The rest of the tub denizens noticed this about the same time I did, and we all dragged ourselves out. Not a crewman was in sight to bitch to, or ask “WTF ARE YOU DOING?,” or to have, say, warned us in advance that they were going to empty the tubs under us. Thanks, guys.

I went to a talk on Alaskan wildlife today. When they opened the floor for questions, one guy in a baseball cap with a fake dog turd on the brim asked "how old is a deer when it becomes a moose?"

Tonight, after dinner, our waiter brought me a coffee cup, and said, “be careful, the cup is very hot.” I thought he said “the coffee is hot” and couldn’t understand why the cup would be (actually, I still don’t understand that). So I picked up the cup to look in it, and, as advertised, the cup was PRETTY DAMN HOT. I dropped it back on the saucer with a loud CLANG, and the waiter looked at me with a “you’re a moron” gaze.

I don’t blame him, either.


Unknown said...

Okay, so in real life, my name is Mary. I'm loving the list of "breakfast Marys." So much inspiration for my Halloween costume this year--I could be Bloody Mary, Highland Mary, Dirty Mary.

And the temptation to dress like Tequila Mary and go to work that way is hard to resist.

Whelk Lad! said...

The best part about the breakfast drinks is that you can order them by going into your bathroom, turning out the lights, looking into the mirror, and saying the name of the drink three times.

Anonymous said...

What a horrible crime against Glenlivet.

Anonymous said...

Well??? How old IS a deer when it becomes a moose?

As a moose aficionado who has devoted countless hours (and dollars) to collecting every moose knicknack, salt shaker, and toilet paper ever created, I am horrified that someone would think all antler-ed animals are the same.

Should have told him that deer become moose when the turd on his hat starts to stink.

And tell the truth...He probably asked "When do deers become mooses?"

a.generic doc said...

In answer to dog turd hat man, to become a Moose:

You must be at least 21 years old and profess belief in a Supreme Being, though you don’t need to be a member of an established religion. You cannot be a member of a terrorist organization or a recognized subversive group. Nor can you be a felon or sex offender. You cannot join if you have been expelled from another Moose lodge. Return the filled-out application to your sponsor with a check for part of the dues. The sponsor gives it to the application review committee. If approved, your application is then voted upon by the lodge members at a regular meeting

It doesn't say anything about being human, so at 21, the deer could try to become a moose.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps it's a remote-controlled heat infuser built into the cups especially to outfit Alaskan cruise ship? Bake-lite? Did they look special? I mean, if a coffee cup 'clangs' there's obviously some metal in it somewhere? A solid, clunkkk, I could understand as pure earthenware. I once was in an Army-Navy surplus store looking over the bayonets and canvas-wrapped aluminum canteens, and came across a whole slough of white ceramic mess mugs. Heavy, thick and thought they might work just as well for putting someone out as anything. A serious thudddd, and out like a light. Some were even chipped.

BigFire said...

One question regarding the beverage cards on cruise ship: are coffee free or do you need a card for that as well? I don't drink alcohol, and really don't touch soda. But I do drink quite a bit of coffee.

Anonymous said...

There are heaters for plates so I wouldn't be surprised to have heaters for cups. Some people don't like the way their food or beevrage cools down when served in or on a cold recepticle.

Moose said...

You're all insane. I was never a deer. A true Moose is born a Moose. And if you don't believe me, you can eat my antlers!

Ivan Ilyich said...

A moose are the largest species of the deer family. A moose has always been a deer.

Anonymous said...

A dear moose, a mere deuce, a moose with a mousse, and the plural are meese. Did you find any chocolate moose (like ducks or rabbits?).

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