When the moon is in the seventh house

Dr. Grumpy: "So, the brain MRI looked okay. How have you been doing since the last visit?"

Ms. Dixon: "Did it confirm that I'm an Aquarius?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me?"

Ms. Dixon: "The brain MRI. Did it confirm that I'm an Aquarius?"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not part of the MRI, or my field. I think it's based on your birthday. How have you..."

Ms. Dixon: "Nonsense. The MRI must be able to confirm things of that importance. Otherwise, what's the point of doing the study at all?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Ms. Dixon: "Besides, Madam Irene told me the MRI can do that sort of thing. She should know. She went to a special school to learn about such things. She has a diploma."

Dr. Grumpy: "To get back to my question, how have your symptoms been doing?"

Ms. Dixon: "I'm not happy that you aren't answering MY question. Can you print up the MRI report? I'd rather just take it to Madam Irene and talk to her."

Mary's Desk

Tuesday afternoon

 

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Loid: "This is Amy Loid, and I want to cancel all my future appointments with Dr. Grumpy!"

Mary: "Okay, I can do that, let me..."

Ms. Loid: "He told me and my family that I have Alzheimer's disease, and now they won't let me drive! I'm going to get a second opinion from someone competent!"

 

click

 

Thursday morning

 

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Loid: "This is Amy Loid. I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy, I need to find a new neurologist."

Mary: "Uh... I...  okay, let me check with the doctor about this, we're, um, busy with the new year and all."

Ms. Loid: "I hope he'll take my case. I really need a second opinion. The last neurologist I saw was a bozo who said I had Alzheimer's and shouldn't be driving."

Happy Birthday!

Sir Isaac Newton

 

Seen in a chart

 Great moments in radiology reports:

Thank you, Tom!

Night at the Opera

Hi, this is Marie.

Besides my regular job, I've been working part-time at Local Playhouse. I handle ticket sales, field calls about showtimes, and tell people the restrooms are down the hall on the right.

 

(phone rings)

Marie: "Local Playhouse box office, can I help you?"

Ms. Cranky: "Hi, I need to get a refund on some tickets."

Marie: "Okay, when is the show? Are you able to bring them down here?"

Ms. Cranky: "Yes, I can bring them over tomorrow, am I able to get a full refund?"

Marie: "That depends on the show, and when it is."

Ms. Cranky: "It's 'A Shoggoth on the Roof.'"

Marie: "Hmmm... I don't see that on our schedule. Did you call the right theater? This is Local Playhouse."

Ms. Cranky: "Yes, I've got the tickets right here. They were for July 23, 2017."

Marie: "Um, we don't give refunds on tickets from past productions. We can't resell them."

Ms. Cranky: "That's ridiculous. They've never been used. They're in good condition. I must have forgotten about them and never gone to the show. I found them today when I was cleaning out a drawer."

Marie: "I'm sorry, but we can't give you a refund on them."

Ms. Cranky: "Now what am I supposed to do? I've already called every scalper in town and they won't take them either! People like you are why theater is dying!"

(click)

Weekend on call

One of my consults this weekend was an unfortunate fellow in ICU who'd recently had heart surgery. For whatever reason they'd decided to leave his chest cavity open for a few days, in case they had to go back in urgently.

So I went in the room. As expected, the guy was sedated and intubated. I checked his pupils and reflexes, the usual neurology stuff.

Being curious, I couldn't help looking into his partially open chest cavity, where, under surgical-sterile plastic sheeting, I could see his heart beating.

A nurse in the room came over and offered me a Junior Mint.

Nice Arrangement

Dr. Grumpy: "All right, I sent the script into your pharmacy. Here's an order to have the labs done."

Mr. Stedenko: "Can I get these done at Orlok labs? There's one in the medical building right across from one of my stores, the one I'm usually at."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. What kind of store do you own?"

Mr. Stedenko: "I'm a tobacconist. Have you heard of Pedro & Man? It's a smoke shop with locations across Grumpy county."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, I have. Okay, I'll call you when the results come in, and I'll make sure a copy goes to your internist."

Mr. Stedenko: "Thank you. Can you also send a copy of the lab results to my brother?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. Is he..."

Mr. Stedenko: "He's also in the building across from my store, he's a pulmonologist."

Modern life

In the last hour I’ve logged into my IRS account, my bank account, Intuit payroll, my E-prescribing account, the state narcotic database, my retirement account, the hospital Epic system, and my spam filter account, and I’m sitting here wishing there was one authenticator app they’d all use.

And then I began thinking “One authenticator app to rule them all, one authenticator app to find them, one app to log in to all, and on my monitor bind them.”

 

 

 

Front desk

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Kard: "I have an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, let me hand you this clipboard and forms, there's some pens over there... can I get your insurance card?"

Mr. Kard: "Um, I don't have it."

Mary: "Is it on your phone?"

Mr. Kard: "No, but my mother has been here, too, and it's the same insurance. Can you look up her card?"

Mary: "Okay, what's her name?"

Mr. Kard: "Irene Kard."

Mary: "Okay, hang on... Um, your mom hasn't been here in over 15 years... and her insurance card was with a plan that doesn't exist anymore."

Mr. Kard: "So you can't use that one?"

Mary: "No. We need a new copy, can you have your mom text you a picture of it? I just need the numbers on the front."

Mr. Kard: "She died ten years ago."

Conferences

Let's talk about Genital and Urological (GU) cancers.

1. I don't treat them. I'm a neurologist. Not my end of the body. So how I got on a mailing list for them is beyond me.

2. If you were, say, a marketing person trying to get people to think of genital & urological cancers, what kind of image would you choose? Some sort of artistically non-smutty cartoon of a person's nether regions? A generic pic of a doctor looking at an MRI film? If the conference were in San Diego perhaps an image of a sunset on a beach?

Or maybe you'd just do this:

 

 

I don't know about you guys, but pretty much nothing makes me think of genital & urological cancer more than a big bowl of guacamole. At lease, that's the image that will be stuck in my mind for a while, and Mrs. Grumpy will wonder why I'm suddenly avoiding our favorite Mexican restaurant, La Casa DeMentia.

Personally, I think they should try to coordinate the meeting so it occurs at the same place and time as the Sarcoma Academy Lectures in Surgical Advances, along with a gathering of the California HIghway Patrol.

 

 

 

Thank you

I just want to post that I am glad I got to grow up and live in a world that had the brilliant Tom Lehrer in it. 

I remember one night in the 70's when my Dad came home with two albums he'd picked up at a carport sale. He'd never heard of Lehrer before, either, but they'd caught his eye.

The first one he put on was "An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer." As the first song "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" crackled over the speakers I remember laughing hysterically until I was crying. This continued, as we went from that record to "That Was The Year That Was." I completely lost it over "Pollution."

I've never stopped listening to him. Probably the only mathematics professor I can say that about.

His entire output was surprisingly small, all of it created over a few years in the 1950's - 1960's (with a few for the kids' show "The Electric Company" in the 70's) before he decided he'd had enough.

Although there have been many good ones, to me American satire songwriters are, at the highest level, limited to a trinity of Tom Lehrer, Weird Al Yankovic, and Allan Sherman.

Those of you who have no idea who I'm talking about, just Google him. Listen to his songs (and the preceding live introductions). Some of it is dated, most not, but all of it is excellent.

Thank you for the music, Tom.

IG

Discerning

Mary returned from lunch to find an older fellow sitting in the lobby, quietly reading. We didn't have any patients scheduled for that time.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you, sir?"

Mr. Natgeo: (turns a page, doesn't look up) "Thank you, I have an appointment with Dr. Intouch."

Mary: "Her office is right across the hall, this is Drs. Grumpy & Pissy's office."

Mr. Natgeo: "I know, I told them I'm in here, they said they'll come get me when they're ready to take me back."

Mary: "Oh, okay. Her lobby must be packed today."

Mr. Natgeo: "No, it's just that you guys have much better magazines."

Am I on Candid Camera?

So last week I had to swing by Costco to get Diet Coke and tomatoes (we're now empty nesters, and I still don't know why we need all these tomatoes, or where they're going).

Of course you can't just go to Costco without taking a few laps to see if there's anything new and interesting on the shelves.

As I'm going through a frozen food aisle there's a woman with a cart full of bakery cookies. She's reading the side of a box of ice cream bars like it's a legal contract, looking back at the cookies, looking back at the ice cream. Okay. I'm just sight seeing, so walk on by when...

Ice cream bar lady: "Excuse me, can you help me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, I don't work here."

Ice cream bar lady: "I work at the Home Depot down the street, and we're having a birthday party there today for one of the other employees. If you worked at Home Depot and were having a birthday party, do you think you'd prefer these bakery cookies or the ice cream bars?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Ummmmm..."

Ice cream bar lady: "We're both part time employees, not full time, if that makes a difference."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd go with the cookies. It's summer, and the ice cream bars might melt on the way over. The cookies are lower maintenance."

Ice cream bar lady: "Do you think any of the other people at Home Depot this shift might be allergic to nuts, or gluten, or have lactose intolerance?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I have no idea, oh, looks like my tomatoes are spoiling so I better get them home."

Ice cream bar lady: "I can't decide."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a nice day."

Ice cream bar lady: "Do you think they'd prefer a cake?"

Adventures in Employment

Hi, this is Craig. Hard to believe, but my hair and I are now old enough to allegedly be contributing members of society.

I'm working for a large company here in Grumpyville, and after a few weeks someone noticed that I hadn't filled out a certain form and needed to go to HR for it.

So I went downstairs to HR and went in:

Lady at Desk: "Uh, what?"

Craig: "Hi, I'm Craig Grumpy, I was told I need to..."

Lady at Desk: "What? Are you blind?"

Craig: "No. I'm just here..."

Lady at Desk: "SERIOUSLY? You're going to interrupt a fat girl while I'm eating a donut? What is wrong with you?!!!"

Craig: "Um..."

Lady at Desk: "Go away, try again later."