Bagels

I recently was at a hospital staff meeting where one of the administrative clowns got up to speak. He was trying to show us how grateful the hospital is to have all of us, and mentioned that the food in the doctor's lounge costs the hospital $350,000 a year, so we should be thankful.

I know this sort of thing varies between hospitals, but here's what mine supplies to doctors for that $350K:


Morning: bagels and donuts. Boxes of cereal and instant oatmeal. Granola bars. Little milk cartons in the fridge.

Lunch: Tray of deli meats and cheeses in the fridge. Irritatingly small cans of soda. A tray of cookies.

Dinner: Not supplied. Whatever is left over from breakfast and lunch.

Always available: coffee, tea, sliced bread, English muffins, little packets of peanut butter, jelly, butter, and honey.


So, I guess that's what $350,000 a year gets you. I'm sure you also have to figure in there the salary of the person who restocks & cleans it each day, frequent repairs to the heavily-used coffee machine, and a few other items. Plus, they probably fudge in how much money they're losing by not giving us the finger and turning the lounge into another endoscopy suite.


That's not a huge sum of money in the modern healthcare world, but since hearing that figure, I keep wondering how it might be better spent. Maybe a few more nurses in the rotation. Or respiratory techs. Or physical therapists.

I'm sure some doctors would whine, but realistically I think most would be happy with coffee and a bagel in the morning, since that's when most round, and the hospitalists buy their own stuff for lunch anyway.

There are certainly bigger wastes of money in modern healthcare: CEO bonuses (at my hospital his was around $7 million last year) and paying Press-Gainey to do surveys, to name two of them. And the people involved in those things don't care about patients, anyway (regardless of what their PR staff tell you).

But I do care about patients, and would be more than happy to give up a deli tray, cookies, or even a bagel, to improve their care.

That's provided the money actually went to that use. Realistically, it would probably just go to some administrator's year-end bonus for the money he saved by cutting coffee and bagels out of the doctors lounge.

Survey says

Dr. Grumpy: "So, I last saw you a week ago, when you were in the hospital for Transient Global Amnesia. How have you been doing?"

Mr. Percheron: "Fine, I guess, everything seems back to normal. I've returned to work."

Mrs. Percheron: "He's back to himself."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good."

Mr. Percheron: "I have a question, though."

Dr. Grumpy: "Go ahead."

Mr. Percheron: "What am I supposed to do with the survey the hospital sent me? It has all these questions about my stay, but I don't remember any of it."

Overheard on rounds

Nurse: "Have you had any previous heart issues?"

Patient: "I have a porcelain heart valve."

Nurse: "You mean porcine heart valve?"

Patient: "Whatever."

And now, music

Seen in a chart

This isn't the first time I've put up stuff like this, and it won't be the last.

But you know what? Crap like this is no longer the exception. It's the rule. I'd say at least 50%-60% of charts I read from hospitals and practices that use computer charting systems (which is pretty much all of them) have errors of this kind.

And these are what the world is pushing us to use more and more of.

I'm not saying computer chart systems are bad things. They have a lot of advantages. But they also encourage the slacker inherent in all of us. It's easier and faster to check boxes, cut & paste, and use templates than it is to actually type out what's correct. Especially if you skip the critical step of proofreading what you've just done. Most do.

The majority of these errors are just amusing. This one is just stupid, but likely won't cause a serious patient outcome.

But if it can make an error about smoking, it can also make them about your allergies. Your current medications. What conditions you have. Your past surgeries.

And one "minor" error in any of those could lead to a disaster in the right setting.

Cole slaw

I'm in the emergency room, talking to a patient's wife:



Dr. Grumpy: "When did this all start?"

Mrs. Concern: "Last night. He fell down in the bathroom, and said he couldn't move that side."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then what happened?"

Mrs. Concern: "I figured he was just angry at me, and trying to get attention. We'd had this big argument over cole slaw at lunch, because..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but last night..."

Mrs. Concern: "Oh yeah, anyway, so I watched some TV in bed - there's that new detective show I like - until I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning he was still on the bathroom floor, and boy, was he angry. So that was when I called paramedics."

New year's day

10 years

This post wraps up 2018. I'll be taking 3 weeks off, and will see you guys in January.


December 21, 2008, was, apparently, a slow news day. In looking backwards I really can't find any articles of note from the major news outlets on that date's happenings.

But to me it was a big day as I published my first post here.

A lot of factors had led up to it. For years I'd been collecting stories hoping to write a book... someday. But life, work, and kids get in the way of those things. At some point I realized the book was never going to happen.

Then, in 2008, a change in my practice led to me having a bit more free time. So, instead of a book, I decided to share my stories on this blog.

And here I am, 10 years out. My numbers have gone up and down, but I still seem to have a following. For that I'm grateful. If it wasn't for you guys there wouldn't be a reason to do this. My posts have dropped from twice daily to 2-3/week, but I'm still cranking them out and hopefully will continue to do so.

I appreciate those of you who have stayed with me and written comments. I've only been mentioned once in the general media, but knowing you guys are reading makes it worthwhile to keep doing this.

At 10 years out I want to thank my wife, for putting up with me, and my kids, who've grown from small rug rats to young adults heading for college since I started this.

I also want to thank Mary and Annie, also for putting up with me and supplying me with stories to share. Without you guys I wouldn't have a real job.

My patients deserve a big round of applause. Without them I wouldn't have this blog. Most of them are good folks, and I genuinely appreciate them making my job a fulfilling one. Medical blogs may give you the impression that most patients are insane, or stupid, or both, but that's far from true. The vast majority are good people, but stories of normal patient encounters are boring and aren't why you come here.

Lastly, I want to thank all of you guys for sticking with me over time, sharing your thoughts, and making this fun.

A special thank you is deserved by those I've met through the blog and who I'm now proud to call friends. We may never meet in person, but knowing you're out there is good enough for me.

Thank you all, have a great holiday, and I'll be back on January 14, 2019.

IG

2018 Holiday gift guide

Do you have a friend who's a dentist? Do you want to give your dentist something more meaningful than the gouges you leave on the arms of his exam chair? Do you know someone who simply has no sense of taste (me, for example)?

Then consider this cozy pair of pants:

Featuring an attractive pattern of molars and bicuspids in alternating red and white (I guess the color depends on whether you remembered to stop taking warfarin before your root canal), these pants are ideal for visits to the dentist, holiday parties, and any job you're hoping to get fired from.

2018 Holiday gift guide

Those old enough will remember Rockwell's 1980's hit "Some Random Guy is Watching Me."

Wait? That wasn't the title? Never mind.

But if you have a friend who has delusions of that sort, you can order this for them:

The "Old Asian Man Wall Decal" (seriously, that's what it's called) is available from a number of websites for people wanting to add it to their home's atmosphere. Or something.

2018 Holiday gift guide

Do you have a friend who's trying to attract the perfect guy, hoping her perfume will do the trick?

Maybe you should get her this:

Let's face it, nothing gets a guy's attention like a woman who smells like a slab of roast beef. Or an Arby's.

If nothing else, she'll certainly have the attention of every dog in the neighborhood.

Saturday morning

Frank got home from his first college semester last night.

This morning, Mrs. Grumpy and I were woken from a sound sleep by screaming and loud noises.

Apparently, at around midnight, Frank couldn't sleep and set up his laptop to work. He'd forgotten the password for our home WiFi network. Instead of, say, waiting to ask someone in the morning, he just wiped the router and changed the passwords.

This morning the twins discovered what had happened, and went bananas when they couldn't get online. His door was locked, and when they couldn't wake him up, Marie and Craig kicked his door in.

Now Frank is upset we woke him up on his first day of break.

I'm taking the twins' side.

2018 Holiday gift guide

Do you have a friend who thinks he has animal magnetism? Maybe these boxers are the perfect gift:

Available from Newchic, this pair of boxers has a series of magnets sewn into the vital package-support area. The website makes claims about this boosting the immune system (it doesn't say if they specifically mean against STD's), "releasing energy," (if my winkie was glowing that color, I'd be pretty worried about the energy source) and (my favorite) improving the body's oxygen supply.

Plenty of guys, myself included, have been accused of thinking with our male appendages. To date, however, I've never been accused of breathing through it.

Isn't that right, Mr. Snuffleupagus?

2018 Holiday gift guide

Mattel, the company that brought you Barbie, Hot Wheels, Masters of the Universe, American Girl, Polly Pocket, and Matchbox, now brings you its next big seller.

And... I'm going to have to let these ladies describe it, because I couldn't possibly do a better job.

Please note, this is not a joke.