2:17 a.m.

My cell phone rings.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Officer Peel: "Hi, doctor, this is Officer Peel, of the Grumpyville police. Sorry to wake you."

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Officer Peel: "Do you know a lady named Dee Mentia?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, she's one of my patients. Actually, she's in Local Hospital at the moment, with pneumonia."

Officer Peel: "Yeah, she keeps calling 911 from her hospital room and says she's being held hostage in your basement."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh my..." (starts laughing) "Do you need to come search my basement?"

Officer Peel: "Nah, but can you do something to stop her? The 911 operators are busy enough as it is."

Dr. Grumpy: "Will do, sorry."

Office Peel: "Thanks. Have a good night, doc."

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Flush: "Hi, I have an appointment in 20 minutes with Dr. Grumpy, and won't be able to make it. My kid clogged the toilet, and it's backed up all over the floor. I have to stay here and wait for the emergency plumber."

Mary: "Okay, that's fine. Just call us when you have time to reschedule and..."

Mrs. Flush: "I will. Are you going to charge me for the last minute cancel? I can text you a picture if you need proof."

Seen in a hospital chart

Helluva long week.

Saturday afternoon

I'm on the weekend Costco run with Craig.


Mrs. Patient: "Hi, Dr. Grumpy!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Mrs. Patient. Good to see you. Stocking up here, too?"

Mrs. Patient: "Yes, me and my friend Cindy came over to get some things."

Cindy: "This is your neurologist?"

Mrs. Patient: "Yes, it's Dr. Grumpy."

Cindy: "Can you tell me about the vaccination schedule for cats? I was thinking of getting a kitten."

Mrs. Patient: "Dr. Grumpy only treats humans."

Cindy: "Well, he's still a doctor isn't he?"

Craig: "Dad, can I get a pizza sample?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure."

Cindy: "You're a doctor and you let your kids eat cheese?"

Mrs. Patient: "Cindy, shut up. I'm sorry, doctor."

It's the word!

Swedish marines stationed in Afghanistan re-enact the classic scene from Grease.

Yes, it did

Dr. Grumpy: "How have you been doing since the carpal tunnel surgery?"

Mr. Wrist: "Great! The numbness is gone. The surgeon you recommended did a great hand job! Uh, I mean, job on my hand. I, uh, oh shit, that sounded bad."

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Troponin: "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we can see you next Thursday, at 10:00."

Mrs. Troponin: "That sounds great!"

Mary: "What will you be coming in for?"

Mrs. Troponin: "I'm having chest pain when I go up stairs, and my internist told me to see a cardiologist."

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy is a neurologist. He doesn't see this kind of thing."

Mrs. Troponin: "I know, but I can't find a cardiologist who takes my insurance and can get me in this week."

Mary: "Well, you'll have to call your internist about that... But Dr. Grumpy isn't what you're looking for. I'll cancel the appointment and..."

Mrs. Troponin: "How about if I say I'm coming in for foot numbness or something. Will he treat my chest pain then, if I just kind of mention it?"

Mary: "No. Call your internist."

Seen in a medical journal

This is an advertisement for:

A. The new James Bond flick? Did they fire Daniel Craig?

B. That hot new cologne, eu d'Charcot.

C. Boy, those leather scrubs are really sexy. Wish my neurologist looked like that.

D. The DocMatic electric shaver for when (like this guy) you spent the night on the doctors lounge couch.

E. The sequel to "Hysteria" showing Dr. Granville perfecting his invention.

F. An ultrasound machine? Really? Are you kidding me? An effing ultrasound machine?

The tube

Mr. Barone: "My symptoms all get worse around 8:30.”

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't we talk about this at your last visit? I suggested taking your pills at 8:00, to see if that helped. Did you try it?"

Mr. Barone: "It doesn't work. I can't take them at 8:00.”

Dr. Grumpy: "Why not?"

Mr. Barone: "I'll miss the beginning of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Weekend on call

On Saturday night I was at the nurses station, writing a note. A demented elderly man kept calling for his daughter, (who'd gone home for the night).


Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse: "Morris, Dana went home. She'll be back in the morning."

Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse: "Morris, Dana's not here. You're okay, and she'll be here again tomorrow."

Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse (in deep voice): "There is no Dana, only Zuul."

Overheard at the nurses station

"I'm so pissed. I paid $80 for this eyelash treatment, and it looks like I'm being attacked by tarantulas."

Dear Webmaster,

Thank you for your recent letter asking that I send $75 to remain in your online doctor directory. I'd put its name up here, but I'm not even going to give you the traffic.

Regrettably, I won't be sending you the $75, and really don't give care if you remove my name.

I'm sure this hurts your feelings, so I'd like to explain why I'm not sending you any money.

1. I never signed up for your directory in the first place. In fact, your letter asking me to renew was the first I'd heard of you.

2. Most companies take credit cards for payment. The fact that you only accept 2 methods of payment is a little alarming. One was for me to do a direct bank-to-bank transfer, and your letter included your bank name, account number, and routing information. This is not a typical way to pay for a medical listing.

3. The other way you accept payment is for me to send a cashier's check to an address in Bucharest, Romania. Nice try.

4. Your math was somewhat concerning, as the letter says that for $75 I get "1 year + 3 FREE months! That's 18 months for only $75." Granted, maybe you use a different calendar than I do.

5. You spelled "doctor" as "docter."

6. You didn't spell my name correctly. Or my street name for that matter. Or even my fucking city. This does not give me a lot of confidence in your ability to provide an accurate listing for my $75.

7. Lastly, as if the above weren't big enough concerns, I was still curious to look at the website listed on your letter. I was suitably impressed to see that it:

- Had nothing on it mentioning a doctor locating service.

- The first link featured said "MEET BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN GIRLS!"

- The second link was for an online Viagra pharmacy (maybe useful if you click on the first link).

- The third link said "This domain name is for sale! Click here to buy it."

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Mary's Desk, Tuesday afternoon

Mary: "So we can see you this Thursday at 4:00. What's your insurance?"

Mr. Ximénez: "Major Illness, Incorporated."

Mary: "Are you on their PPO or HMO plan?"

Mr. Ximénez: "PPO."

Mary: "And what's your birthday?"

Mr. Ximénez: "My, this is a lot of questions. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"


Sadly, she didn't get it, and asked me about it later.

"NOBODY..."

Queen Square

Dr. Grumpy: "Now I'm going to check your reflexes. Let me tap you with this rubber hammer..."

Miss Temmi: "My boyfriend has one of those hammers, and also taps on my knee reflexes with it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, is he a doctor?"

Miss Temmi: "No, he says it turns him on."