Dear Kids,

As the weather warms up, I think it's great the 3 of you want to walk home together after school. It's about 2 miles, certainly nothing awful, and gets you home sooner than riding the bus, or waiting for me to finish at work, would.

I also think it's good you guys want to get some exercise now that the snow has gone.

BUT

Stopping about 1/3 of the way home at Kwik-E-Mart to get "snacks" of chili-dogs, candy, and slushees, then hanging out with friends there and calling me to come get you, is sort of defeating the whole idea.

I bet the Powerpoint can cure insomnia

A friend of mine does consulting work for the FDA. Recently she was invited to this meeting:

"I can't wait to go! The excitement is killing me!"

I couldn't do it. I am SO not the meeting type.

Memories...

One of the other residents in my neurology program was a nurse in her previous life. As a result, she moonlighted with a nursing registry at different hospitals, and made far more money than the rest of us starving residents combined.

So one night, when I was on call, I was woken at around 2:00 a.m. by a page from the ICU.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Dr. Violet: "Hi, Ibee. I need an order for Tylenol on Mr. Stroke. He spiked a fever."

Dr. Grumpy: "Peggy, is this you? What's going on?"

Dr. Violet: "He has a fever. The resident taking care of him didn't write a Tylenol order before they left."

Dr. Grumpy: "His resident is... HEY! He's your patient! You signed him out to me before you left."

Dr. Violet: "Uh... yeah."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why are you calling me, anyway? Why don't you order it?"

Dr. Violet: "I'm his nurse tonight, not his doctor. I have to page the resident on call, which is you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Am I on Candid Camera?"

Letting it all out

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you right or left handed?"

Mr. Whack: "I write with my left, but masturbate with my right."

Phone calls

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Coordinate: "I'm calling to update my address, you have the wrong one."

Mary: "Okay, let me look this up... I show you as living at 42 N. Fred Gwynne Drive."

Mrs. Coordinate: "Yes, that's correct."

Mary: "All right, so it looks like we do have the right one."

Mrs. Coordinate: "NO, you DO NOT have the right one. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten this bill with the wrong address on it!"

Mary: "But how did you get the bill if it had the wrong address on it?"

(pause)

Mrs. Coordinate: "I guess you do have the right address. Never mind."

(click)

Great moments in research

For whatever reason, Dr. Brian Mautz of Canberra decided to research penis size in the homo sapiens male, and how it relates to other body features.

I suppose there are a lot of oddball studies out there. Competition to get published is stiff, so you need eye-catching hard data to penetrate journals.

But this upstanding one just gave me the giggles.

It was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, better known by the acronym PNAS.

Dr. Mautz's co-authors included Drs. Wong and Peters, of Melbourne.

And, inevitably, Dr. Peters' first name is........ Richard.

Thank you, SMOD!

DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

EVERYTHING in medicine comes with a little packet of paper that tells you what it is, what it's for, how dangerous it is, and how to handle emergencies it might cause.

Bizarrely enough, this includes the most common liquid on planet Earth: water.

Yes water.

And this is the actual warning label that comes with water:

 

So, as per the last paragraphs, let's keep these important points in mind:

1.  If you accidentally get water in your eyes, IMMEDIATELY flush them with more water for 15 minutes.

2. If you accidentally drink water, induce vomiting.

3. If you get water on your skin, wash it off with soap and water.

4. If the water catches fire, extinguish it immediately with something "appropriate."

5. And always call poison control if you drink water! It says so!

Thank you, Webhill!

Whatever

Mrs. Adenoca: "I want you to know, right now, that I won't take any medications. I don't believe in your pills. I'm an intelligent woman, and I do a lot of research on my own. Every drug you use has the potential to cause cancer, and I know you doctors lie and say they don't. I'm smarter than that, and refuse to take anything that could do that to me."

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't you tell me earlier that you smoke?"

Mrs. Adenoca: "Yes, 2 packs a day."

Dr. Grumpy: "And you don't think that causes cancer?"

Mrs. Adenoca: "You guys lie about that, too."

Neurology made ridiculously simple

Uh, where you fix a Prius?

Thank you, Jennifer!

Wednesday

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a seat, Mr. Needsglasses. Boy, I haven't seen you in about 10 years."

Mr. Needsglasses: "Wow. That long? I can't believe it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, it looks like you were last here in 2003."

Mr. Needsglasses: "Had no idea. 10 years. Boy, doc, you haven't aged well. You look awful."

Today's contest

A marketing rep dropped off a booklet today, featuring better living through a company's various gadgets. Normally it wouldn't get my attention, but with this picture it was hard not to stare.

So, let's all try to think of some creative captions. Here's a few to get started:

"Yes, nothing makes you smile like matching his & hers pelvic floor stimulators."

"Crank it up and we'll REALLY start swinging."

"These go to eleven."

It's fun to stay at the A.N.Z.C.A!

Next month, for those of you who don't follow meetings outside your own hemisphere, is the annual Australian & New Zealand College of Anaesthetists convention. This year it's being held in Melbourne.

Normally I don't pay attention to ANY meetings. Not even the ones in my own specialty, let alone someone elses' on the other side of the International Date Line. But my reader Rebecca (thank you, Rebecca!) brought this one to my attention.

All these meetings are composed of various lectures and workshops you sign up for, and this one is no different. Here's a sampling of the exciting courses available:

  

If anything sounds more stimulating than a course on coagulation management, I don't know what it is. Oh wait, I do. A can of Diet Coke.

But if you scroll farther down the list, there IS a stimulating course:

Of course, caffeine isn't the only thing you can learn about at the meeting. If your anaesthesia machine (the one that goes "ping!") is all tuned up, why not work on...

After that course, a few cups of coffee, and a bathroom break you'll be ready to move on to...

After a long day of such interesting meetings you've done all sorts of things, but on the way out of the building you discover the elevator has no windows and no doors, which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!

Of course, there's always my way...