America. Land of really strange crimes.

Some days you think you've seen it all. And then you find out you're wrong.

Thank you, Mark!

Patient quote of the day

"I was on extreme doses of extremely powerful pain medications, because my symptoms were, you know, extreme. My doctor was extremely worried that I'd get extreme side effects, but apparently I have extremely high tolerance. They told me my liver is extremely strong."

Wednesday afternoon whatever

Mr. Webster: "My mother died of coronary trombones."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean thrombosis?"

Mr. Webster: "Whatever."

A-Z

GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Fifa: "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy right away! When I exercise I get these horrible headaches! They just started last week, and I can't do anything!"

Mary: "Okay, we can see you Thursday afternoon..."

Ms. Fifa: "Oh, I can't come in then. That's when I play soccer."

I have a bad feeling about this

Dr. Grumpy: "What medications are you on?"

Mr. Scattered: "I don't know. Whatever my girlfriend puts in my pill cup."

Dr. Grumpy (to girlfriend): "What pills does he get?"

Ms. Girlfriend: "I don't know the names. Whatever his mother tells me to give him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where can I reach your mom?"

Mr. Scattered: "She's in jail."

My dog tries for the Darwin Award

Due to the weather warming up, I decided to shut down the hot tub for the summer. It's a big round thing, so I drained it and stood it on its side to dry.

Mello saw it standing there, and, to my astonishment, decided it was a giant hamster wheel. So she immediately jumped in it and began running.

This was a disaster in the making.

She actually got it about 20 feet across the yard before the whole thing fell over upside down, trapping her under it.

It was pretty hard not to laugh at the muffled "woof" of astonishment as I went over to free her.

Moron dog.

Hmmm. Christopher Lee just turned 90...

While doing an online survey about Parkinson's Disease treatments yesterday, I encountered this question about 2/3 of the way through. I can only assume it's to see if I was paying attention:

Rimshot

Dr. Grumpy: "Where is the pain?"

Mr. Youngman: "In my left buttock."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did it start?"

Mr. Youngman: "When I married Mrs. Youngman."

Annie's desk

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Ivac: "Yeah, I need the phone number for the infusion center."

Annie: "We don't have an infusion center at our office."

Mr. Ivac: "I KNOW THAT! I'm talking about the infusion center by Farfaraway Hospital. I need to check on my appointment."

Annie: "Did we refer you there?"

Mr. Ivac: "Hell no! I'm not even your patient! I see Dr. Darth."

Annie: "So why are you calling our office?"

Mr. Ivac: "Because I need the phone number for the infusion suite! Can't you look it up for me?"

Annie: "Okay, but..."

Mr. Ivac: "You people are wasting my time. I'm glad you're not my neurologist." (click)

Negotiations

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Shakes: "Yeah, you saw me in the hospital last week, and said I had a seizure. So now I can't drive for a month."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes..."

Mr. Shakes "Well, I want to drive. You didn't see me have a seizure. So how do you know I had one?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Your wife and friends saw the episode, and described it as a seizure. You even had a second one in front of the paramedics. The description they all gave me was pretty consistent with one."

Mr. Shakes: "Look. I'm saying that I didn't have one. You need to go back and change the chart to say I had something else."

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't do that, sir."

Mr. Shakes: "Okay, what do you want? $100? $500? Name your price and I'll pay it. Just change the chart."

Dear Groupon,

1. You need to retake biology. Either that or you've been watching too much daytime TV.

2. Generally emails selling a "meat package" get filtered out as spam. At least on my computer.

(click to enlarge)


 


Thank you, Brittany, for sending this in!

Lions and peacocks and needles OH MY!

My reader Jaime sent me some amazing pictures last week. She says they were in a brochure mailed to her pharmacy, from a vaccine company.

First we have this happy-looking lion, with hypodermic needles poking from his mane:
 

 




















Next we have this equally chipper peacock, with more syringes sticking out:

I personally find these kind of strange. I mean, they look like something from a children's book written by heroin junkies. Or ads for a REALLY off-Broadway "Lion King" production:


Scar: "Hey Simba, you want to share needles?"

Simba: "No, Uncle! The future king of Pride Rock knows better! Kids, remember to never share needles!"


I have NO CLUE what the artist was trying to say:

"Order our vaccines: They'll be delivered by friendly animals with uncapped needles pointing in random directions!"

"Our vaccines are super-hygienic. At least, as hygienic as they can be after being glued to wild animals."

"We take your health seriously. Our advertising, not-so-much."

"This was failed 1969 album cover artwork, and we bought the rights."

"Our ads make more sense after you've self-injected the syringe."

"Cute animals! Sharp objects! Bring the whole family!"

Thank you, Jamie!

FORE!

This weekend was the annual Wirfliss Pharmaceutical Company golf tournament. And it resulted in me making an ER run.

The event consists of drug reps and sundry other marketing people from all over the area in a 1-day golf challenge. This usually involves (as do many golf activities) large amounts of alcohol.

So I got called to ER to see 2 guys who'd suffered head injuries.

They were reps from competing territories, who were assigned to the same foursome.

After several drinks and holes, they began arguing about who had the better sales figures. Which led to a confrontation. Between 2 inebriated, hypercompetitive guys. Both armed with golf clubs.

I'll warn Mary to stock up on Wirfliss samples. May be a while before our rep is back.