Whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you married?"

Mr. Necro: "Divorced, but I'm reconciling with my late wife."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... do you mean your ex-wife?"

Mr. Necro: "Whatever."

Annie's desk, January 31st, 2012

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Payne: "Yeah, the pill the doctor gave me makes me nauseous."

Annie: "Okay... In looking through your chart, I don't see that he prescribed any meds. In fact, you haven't been here in almost a year."

Mr. Payne: "My other doctor gave it to me last week."

Annie: "Then you need to call the doctor who prescribed it."

Mr. Payne: "What does that have to do with it?"

Sympathy

"It's not MY fault he had a heart attack! I've got things to do!"

Freudian script

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

RalPh: "Hi, this is RalPh, the pharmacist over at local grocery. I'm calling about a script you wrote for Valerie Smith yesterday, for her Valium."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is there a problem? She gets it every month."

RalPh: "It's her name. You misspelled it."

Dr. Grumpy: "What did I write?"

RalPh: "Instead of Valerie Smith you wrote Valium Smith."

(pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "Holy crap. That's awesome."

RalPh: "Yeah, it took a while for the tech and I to stop laughing enough to call you."

Xenophobia FAIL!

Dr. Grumpy: "What were the pills?"

Mr. Skin: "I don't know. A friend brought them back from Argentina."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you take them?"

Mr. Skin: "No, because I don't trust Mexicans."

Time

My Dad recently converted a bunch of 1950's home movies of he and my mom to digital, and I was showing them to the kids last night.

Marie watched silently for a few minutes, then said: "That's not grandma. That lady has black hair. Grandma's is gray."

Sunday reruns

I've got a junkie over in the ICU, who overdosed on a bunch of stuff yesterday. She was on a ventilator (a breathing machine) this morning, but they were going to see if she improved enough today to get her off it.

So I called over there a minute ago to talk to her nurse:

Dr. Grumpy: "How'd she do this morning?"

Nurse Icu: "She's more awake, and we got her off the ventilator, but may have to put her back on again."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why? Is she still having trouble breathing?"

Nurse Icu: "No, she's just a bitch."

My kids are jealous (hell, so am I!)

Okay, while I don't know Mathew Ho and Asad Muhammad, I have to respect what they did.

This pair of 17-year old guys, who live in Toronto, successfully launched a Lego figure into near-space (14 miles up) using a weather balloon, a lot of weekends, and costing about $400.

Just for fun.

They even sent 4 cameras and a GPS tracker with him, so they could film and recover him.

This is the movie they posted.





I'm thoroughly impressed guys. That's really cool.

"Uh, maybe we can sell them on Ebay..."

Yet another reminder that crime doesn't pay.

Thank you, Lee!

Maybe I should start using Old Spice

Mrs. Colostrum: "It's a burning pain on one side of my head. It's like... Doctor, you know what it feels like when you've been breastfeeding, and after the infant is done you have a burning pain in that nipple? Did you breastfeed when you had your kids?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Drug company ads

There's nothing quite as manly as testosterone. Especially when you're rubbing it into your smelly armpits.

So does anyone else out there think this ad campaign:






Would be a helluva lot better if it featured the Old Spice Guy?





"Smell like a man, man."


Just wondering.

Family ties

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things going?"

Mrs. Xanax: "It's very stressful. My sister and I aren't speaking to each other right now."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry to hear that. Is this the one who's having a baby? Last time you were here you were knitting a blanket for her?"

Mrs. Xanax: "Yeah, but that's where it all started. I was going to have the blanket done when she got to 36 weeks, but then she had all kinds of complications, and had a seizure, and they had to deliver the baby at 29 weeks, and the blanket wasn't done by then. Now she just spends all her time at the hospital visiting the baby, and I finally called and told her that I wasn't happy about how she ruined my plans to have the blanket ready in time, and that it's not all about her."

Your tax dollars at work

I, Dr. Grumpy, am not a cannibal. I have never been a cannibal, nor do I have any interest in being a cannibal.

In Oklahoma, however, an elected representative of the people (state Senator Ralph Shortey) has decided that eating human fetuses is a SERIOUS problem in America. If not now, it still could become one by, say, 2022.

So we need to act now to keep this from happening. Because, with all the other issues facing our society, people eating fetuses is apparently one of the bigger ones. At least to Mr. Shortey.

So he has, I SWEAR, introduced a bill to ban the practice of using human fetuses in food products.

Comically, he even admits that he's unaware of anyone actually doing this, but decided the law is needed because he researched the subject on the internet.

And we all know how accurate that is.

Thank you, Ed!

Counting

I recently got a pile of medical records from Dr. Downthestreet, which featured these notes on the bottom of a 4-page lab report.