Be prepared

I spent today at a Boy Scout event.

Most of us are used to the concept of time zones. Central Time, Pacific Time, whatever. You move a few hours up or down depending on how far east/west you are.

Boy Scout Time (BST), however, is a time zone that has absolutely no basis in reality. Here's how it works:

Some guy allegedly in charge sends out an email/phone message/smoke signal/semaphore flag that we will meet in the parking of local church/school/mortuary at 7:30 in the morning.

7:25: Grumpymobile containing Frank, Craig, and I shows up, joining 1-2 other cars.

7:30: Nothing happens.

7:38: Guy who sent email out shows up, makes lame excuse.

7:40: Two more cars show up.

7:45: 3 other cars show up, one forgot something (like a kid), goes back home for it.

7:47: Guy who sent email wanders around trying to do a head count and complains about people being unreliable.

7:48: Single mom shows up, blames her ex for giving her the wrong time.

7:50 Another car shows up. Driver asks if we want anything from Starbucks, then leaves to go get his own.

7:51: Guy who sent email starts calling people who aren't there but had confirmed. 50% of the time he gets voicemail, 50% he wakes them up.

7:55: Person who left to get something from home is back.

8:00 Guy who went to Starbucks returns. Got my order wrong.

8:05: Email guy finally gives up, announces everyone should follow him to the day's activity, discovers he left address at home, calls and wakes up his wife to look for it on the kitchen counter.

8:15 After we all leave, insane parents who showed afterwards call and ask as to come back to the parking lot so they can follow, too. Email guy makes an illegal U-turn to go back, and we all follow him. Because we are morons. And the local traffic cop turns on his lights and siren.

And this is how Boy Scout Time works.

Deer crossing

Wow. Just wow.

"It was for a Halloween costume, I swear!"

Dating tips: Don't try this one.

Is there anybody out there?

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Image: "Hi, I need to set up my MRI."

Annie: "Hmmm... You're not on my list. When was the MRI ordered?"

Mrs. Image: "Last week."

Annie: "That's weird. I can't find you in our computer. Did Dr. Grumpy see you at the hospital?"

Mrs. Image: "I've never seen Dr. Grumpy."

Annie: "Um... I can't set up an MRI when you're not our patient. You'll have to call the doctor who ordered it."

Mrs. Image: "But his staff is busy taking care of patients."

Hello, telephone line

Dr. Grumpy: "How long were you unconscious?"

Mr. Shakin: "47 minutes. See, it happened while I was on the phone with my Mom. I'd just dialed her up, then I blacked out. When I came to the phone showed the call was still going on, and it was at 47 minutes. Mom was still on the other end, and driving over to my place."

Dr. Grumpy: "So then what..."

Mr. Shakin: "So, can you write a note for me? Because I only get 500 minutes a month, and want a letter for my cell phone company so they'll credit me for the 47 minutes I was out, because it wasn't my fault."

And it's a Smart Car, too...

Thank you, Kate!

Today's criminal tip

If you're going to inhale spray paint for a living, it's a good idea to change location here and there.

Mary's Desk, January 3, 2012

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy on Thursday, and am trying to decide if I should come in."

Mary: "Okay, are you still having problems?"

Mr. Vertebrae: "Yeah, but I don't know if it's worth the drive. What do you think?"

Mary: "Well, I recommend you come in, but I can't make that decision for you."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Well, I'm just not sure... What do you think? Don't you have a medical degree?"

Mary: "No, sir, I'm his secretary. I have a high school degree."

Mr. Vertebrae: "A high school degree? And you work at a doctor's office?"

Mary: "Sir, you'd be seeing Dr. Grumpy, not me, and he's a board-certified..."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Just cancel the appointment. I'm going to an office with qualified staff."

Technicalities

Mr. Webster: "I have a question. There's an error in your last note."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's wrong?"

Mr. Webster: "In the 3rd paragraph you said Fukitol made me tired."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes..."

Mr. Webster: "It didn't. It made me sleepy."

2012 - Signs of the apocalypse

Last night I bought MS Office for the kid's new iMac. And found this review on Amazon:


(click to enlarge)

Sunday hot tub reading

A recent study showed a protein (called PZP) increases in the blood as an early sign of Alzheimer's disease. I'm not bashing this research at all, because most neurologists would love a simple, reliable, blood test to offer patients.

However, the same protein also increases in one other human condition.

Pregnancy.

And I just can't wait to tell someone "The labs show you're pregnant. Or have Alzheimer's disease. Or both."

New Year's Eve, 10:55 p.m.

"Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Grumpy's and I need him to call in some migraine medicine. I'm at a bar, and the loud music is giving me a headache, and the DJ won't turn it down, and I don't want to leave 'cuz I already paid my cover charge."

Kids

Dr. Grumpy: "So, Marie, what would you like to do tonight for New Year's Eve?"

Marie: "Um... Have dessert?"

Saturday guest post

Today I'm featuring a post sent in by Officer Cynical.

HOW TO GO TO JAIL

1. Drive a car with really loud exhaust pipes, so I'll notice you. AND

2. Have license plates on your car that, when I run the number, come back to a completely different color, year, make and model car. AND

3. Have a suspended driver's license. AND

4. Have no insurance on your car. AND

5. Have 2 pounds of marijuana, a supply of baggies, and a scale in plain view on your back seat.