Today's featured gift

Okay, this one is just awesome. It sells for $199 and is called a "Natural Stump Side Table."



IT'S A FUCKING LOG, PEOPLE!

The web site creatively notes that it comes "fully assembled" and (for those who feel guilty) is from "naturally fallen cypress trees."

To me, that's like saying your steak came from a cow that died of natural causes.

Great Headlines

"Man charged with threatening jurors who convicted him of threatening judges"

Really!

Thank you, Webhill!

Tuesday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Scalp: "Baldness."

Annie's Desk

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Ms. Hallux: "Hi! Does Dr. Grumpy have Youtube at his office?"

Annie: "I guess so. I mean, we have internet access."

Ms. Hallux: "Okay, my toes do this weird shaky thing at night, and my boyfriend filmed them and put them on Youtube. Can your doctor look at them and tell me what it is?"

Annie: "Are you one of our patients?"

Ms. Hallux: "No, why?"

Annie: "To get the doctor's opinion you're going to have to make an appointment and come in."

Ms. Hallux: "I don't need to come in. I don't have time for that. Can't he just look at the video and tell me what it is?"

Annie: "To give an opinion he'd have to see and examine you, and get a history and..."

Ms. Hallux: "Why does every doctor's office tell me that? No wonder nobody can get proper care anymore." (click)

Lovely

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a seat. I'm Dr. Grumpy."

Rhea: "I'm Rhea. It's pronounced like 'diarrhea,' without the 'dia.' "

Today's gift idea

We all love ice cream cones, but they're a HUGE hassle. I mean, you have to turn and lick them on all sides, otherwise they drip down and get messy. And this is SUCH A BIG PROBLEM that it hardly seems worth the effort to have a cone.

But not any more!





This remarkable product continues the worldwide trend of eating more calories while expending as few as possible, so someday you too can look like the people in WALL-E. You may now experience the ultimate in human laziness, and never worry about getting ice cream on your sneakers again.

Weekend reruns

From 2009:

Local Hospital has been transitioning to an electronic chart system.

This morning, while on rounds, I dialed in to the hospital system to dictate a consult. I was stunned to be told that my privileges had been suspended for delinquent medical records.

This was a shock, as I treat medical records with an obsession. Every Thursday I stop by medical records and ask if there's anything for me to sign. For the last 6 weeks the girl there has politely checked her computer, then said "Nope, thank you for checking".

So I promptly marched down there:

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me, do I have anything to sign today?"

Ms. Helpful: (looking at her computer) "Um, nope. Thank you for checking."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, when I dialed in, it says I've been suspended for medical records delinquency."

Ms. Helpful: "That's correct. You have over 60 charts to complete, 28 of which are delinquent"

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT!!! Then why didn't you tell me that?!!"

Ms. Helpful: "You only asked me if you had anything to sign. You have nothing to sign. We are all electronic records now. You don't actually sign anything."

Dr. Grumpy (in shock): "Okay... So how do I complete my records?"

Ms. Helpful: "You have to log into the e-Chart system."

Dr. Grumpy: "No one told me we'd completely switched to e-Charts, or that I had records to complete. How was I supposed to know this?"

Ms. Helpful: "Because the first time you sign in to e-Charts it tells you that".


No wonder my hairs are jumping off like lemmings.

Science, or something like that

Were you a perfectly straight heterosexual until you learned to drive, and then, upon getting your license, immediately developed an uncontrollable attraction for your own sex and switched to the other team?

Did you find that handling the steering wheel all-by-yourself made you want to start wildly screwing everything in site and use porn (I think I did, but it likely had more to do with 16 year-old-boy-hormones than my 1978 Datsun 810 station wagon).

In a stunning discovery, the highest religious council of Saudi Arabia has actually discovered these "facts," with a new report warning that if Saudi woman are allowed to drive the population will turn to homosexuality, prostitution, and pornography. It also noted that within 10 years of the ban being lifted, the nation would completely run out of virgins (REALLY!).

Read more here.

Thank you, P!

Whatever

Mrs. Patient: "My husband and I are both retarded."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean retired?"

Mrs. Patient: "Whatever."

Front desk

Lady comes in, stands at counter.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Ms. Daughter: "Yeah, my Mom, Ida Behere, has an appointment with Dr. Grumpy today, and so I was coming to join her."

Mary: "Okay, but her appointment was over an hour ago. She's already done, and has left."

Ms. Daughter: "HOW COULD SHE DO THAT TO ME?!!!"

Mary: "I"m sorry. Maybe you should drive in with her next time?"

Ms. Daughter: "I demand you call my mother immediately and get her back here to repeat the appointment!"

Dr. Grumpy's 2011 Gift Guide

It's December 1, the Christmakuh/Kwanzaa/Solstice/Festivus season is upon us, and it's time to roll out the annual holiday gift guide. As always, we at Grumpy Neurology, P.C. scour the internet and catalogs year-round so you don't have to!

In the past I've focused on gifts for humans, but since dogs are a big part of our families, I thought I'd kick off this year with something for them. And what better gift for a furry friend than his own sex doll?

(click to enlarge, if you're into that sort of thing)







Yes, the HotDoll doggy love toy is available in 2 sizes (looks like small and medium from the site, I don't see anything for a Great Dane), and is "made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes."

It also notes that "the pink hole needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons," a job which will likely spark more family fights than "whose turn is it to pick up the dog poop?"

I can just see this being marketed with The Rolling Stones belting out a modified version of one of their classics:

"Hey! You! Get off of my leg!
Don't hang around, or sit up and beg!"

The site doesn't say if there are other models that require batteries, but quite frankly I don't want to know.

Stand-up comedy

Dr. Grumpy: "How bad is your insomnia?"

Mr. Ambien: "It's a problem, but I try not to lose sleep over it."

I'm thinking sterilization...

Mrs. Rock: "I don't want to start any new medications. I've been taking Clomid, and am trying to become pregnant."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Mrs. Rock: "I've been on it for 2 months now, and it still hasn't worked."

Dr. Grumpy: "Has your husband been checked out?"

Mrs. Rock: "Oh, he's overseas for the year."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then, um, why are you taking Clomid?"

Mrs. Rock: "So I can get pregnant. That's what Clomid does. This way I can get pregnant without a guy."

'Tis the season

Yes, nothing says "Peace and Goodwill" this time of year more than an octogenerian grandmother driving a 1983 Buick with a prescription windshield nearly mowing my kids down in the Costco parking lot to get a space 8 feet closer to the door (and then flipping Marie the bird).

Or people trying to commit homicide with a Christmas tree ornament.

Thank you, Janine!