Today's gift idea

We all love ice cream cones, but they're a HUGE hassle. I mean, you have to turn and lick them on all sides, otherwise they drip down and get messy. And this is SUCH A BIG PROBLEM that it hardly seems worth the effort to have a cone.

But not any more!





This remarkable product continues the worldwide trend of eating more calories while expending as few as possible, so someday you too can look like the people in WALL-E. You may now experience the ultimate in human laziness, and never worry about getting ice cream on your sneakers again.

Weekend reruns

From 2009:

Local Hospital has been transitioning to an electronic chart system.

This morning, while on rounds, I dialed in to the hospital system to dictate a consult. I was stunned to be told that my privileges had been suspended for delinquent medical records.

This was a shock, as I treat medical records with an obsession. Every Thursday I stop by medical records and ask if there's anything for me to sign. For the last 6 weeks the girl there has politely checked her computer, then said "Nope, thank you for checking".

So I promptly marched down there:

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me, do I have anything to sign today?"

Ms. Helpful: (looking at her computer) "Um, nope. Thank you for checking."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, when I dialed in, it says I've been suspended for medical records delinquency."

Ms. Helpful: "That's correct. You have over 60 charts to complete, 28 of which are delinquent"

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT!!! Then why didn't you tell me that?!!"

Ms. Helpful: "You only asked me if you had anything to sign. You have nothing to sign. We are all electronic records now. You don't actually sign anything."

Dr. Grumpy (in shock): "Okay... So how do I complete my records?"

Ms. Helpful: "You have to log into the e-Chart system."

Dr. Grumpy: "No one told me we'd completely switched to e-Charts, or that I had records to complete. How was I supposed to know this?"

Ms. Helpful: "Because the first time you sign in to e-Charts it tells you that".


No wonder my hairs are jumping off like lemmings.

Science, or something like that

Were you a perfectly straight heterosexual until you learned to drive, and then, upon getting your license, immediately developed an uncontrollable attraction for your own sex and switched to the other team?

Did you find that handling the steering wheel all-by-yourself made you want to start wildly screwing everything in site and use porn (I think I did, but it likely had more to do with 16 year-old-boy-hormones than my 1978 Datsun 810 station wagon).

In a stunning discovery, the highest religious council of Saudi Arabia has actually discovered these "facts," with a new report warning that if Saudi woman are allowed to drive the population will turn to homosexuality, prostitution, and pornography. It also noted that within 10 years of the ban being lifted, the nation would completely run out of virgins (REALLY!).

Read more here.

Thank you, P!

Whatever

Mrs. Patient: "My husband and I are both retarded."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean retired?"

Mrs. Patient: "Whatever."

Front desk

Lady comes in, stands at counter.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Ms. Daughter: "Yeah, my Mom, Ida Behere, has an appointment with Dr. Grumpy today, and so I was coming to join her."

Mary: "Okay, but her appointment was over an hour ago. She's already done, and has left."

Ms. Daughter: "HOW COULD SHE DO THAT TO ME?!!!"

Mary: "I"m sorry. Maybe you should drive in with her next time?"

Ms. Daughter: "I demand you call my mother immediately and get her back here to repeat the appointment!"

Dr. Grumpy's 2011 Gift Guide

It's December 1, the Christmakuh/Kwanzaa/Solstice/Festivus season is upon us, and it's time to roll out the annual holiday gift guide. As always, we at Grumpy Neurology, P.C. scour the internet and catalogs year-round so you don't have to!

In the past I've focused on gifts for humans, but since dogs are a big part of our families, I thought I'd kick off this year with something for them. And what better gift for a furry friend than his own sex doll?

(click to enlarge, if you're into that sort of thing)







Yes, the HotDoll doggy love toy is available in 2 sizes (looks like small and medium from the site, I don't see anything for a Great Dane), and is "made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes."

It also notes that "the pink hole needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons," a job which will likely spark more family fights than "whose turn is it to pick up the dog poop?"

I can just see this being marketed with The Rolling Stones belting out a modified version of one of their classics:

"Hey! You! Get off of my leg!
Don't hang around, or sit up and beg!"

The site doesn't say if there are other models that require batteries, but quite frankly I don't want to know.

Stand-up comedy

Dr. Grumpy: "How bad is your insomnia?"

Mr. Ambien: "It's a problem, but I try not to lose sleep over it."

I'm thinking sterilization...

Mrs. Rock: "I don't want to start any new medications. I've been taking Clomid, and am trying to become pregnant."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Mrs. Rock: "I've been on it for 2 months now, and it still hasn't worked."

Dr. Grumpy: "Has your husband been checked out?"

Mrs. Rock: "Oh, he's overseas for the year."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then, um, why are you taking Clomid?"

Mrs. Rock: "So I can get pregnant. That's what Clomid does. This way I can get pregnant without a guy."

'Tis the season

Yes, nothing says "Peace and Goodwill" this time of year more than an octogenerian grandmother driving a 1983 Buick with a prescription windshield nearly mowing my kids down in the Costco parking lot to get a space 8 feet closer to the door (and then flipping Marie the bird).

Or people trying to commit homicide with a Christmas tree ornament.

Thank you, Janine!

Annie's Desk, November 28, 2011

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Worried: "Hello, um, my husband sees Dr. Grumpy."

Annie: "Yes?"

Mrs. Worried: "Anyway, on Thanksgiving, after dinner, he had slurred speech, and was dragging his left leg. It hasn't gotten better yet."

Annie: "That was 4 days ago. Did you go to the hospital?"

Mrs. Worried: "No, it was, you know, a holiday weekend, and I didn't want to bother the doctor. He works hard enough."

Annie: "Okay, let me check with Dr. Grumpy, but it sounds like you're going to need to go to ER."

Mrs. Worried: "There were also some Black Friday deals I didn't want to miss."

Oh, for hell's sake

Santa Claus is (roughly) 1700 years old. He's changed dramatically over time, from his original name of St. Nikolaos of Myra to the guy we see in department stores and selling Coke on TV.

So it was only a matter of time before the A-word caught up with him, too.

(click to enlarge)




Thank you, Susan!

That would be a "yes"

Over the weekend I was doing some research surveys, and encountered this question:

"If there was no PET scan machine available, would that prevent you from ordering one?"

Sunday guest post

As many of you have noticed, Officer Cynical shut down his blog. However, I'm honored that he's asked me to publish some rants for him. So today I'm going to feature his ramblings in place of my own. Take it away, Officer!

1. If you're in line at the grocery (or wherever), waiting to pay for your crap at the one open cash register, and then they open a second register and say "I can help the next person", that means they can help the next person in line - the one behind the person who's already paying at the previously sole register. It does NOT mean they can help the person at the back of the line who's been waiting a shorter period of time than everybody else in line. Where the hell have people gotten the idea that a newly opened cash register is for the person at the back of the line?

2. If you're merging onto the interstate (AKA freeway, AKA the "I"), it's your job to MERGE. It's not the job of everybody else to slow down, move over, or anything else. This is usually best accomplished by accelerating up to speed that allows you to fit into a space between two other cars already in the righthand through lane. It is NOT a good strategy to just move over into through traffic when you're doing, say, 35 mph, and those in the righthand lane are doing 60. And, in the name of all that's holy, don't hit the brakes at the end of the entrance ramp because you're scared to merge. The people behind you, who are correctly accelerating up to speed and looking for a place to merge, will tend to hate you and wish you ill.

3. If you've successfully gotten onto the interstate/freeway/"I", please pretend these signs (see attached) actually exist, and heed them.





4. Not being one to send e-mail to porn sites, how did "Ass_Titties" and "HornyGirlHere" get into my list of Hotmail contacts?

The night

It was the late 80's, at Big State University.

As best I remember, it was a pretty ordinary day. I'd had a few medical school interviews the week before, and was trying to catch up on stuff now. I was taking a jazz class, which required me to listen to several hours of records during the semester. So I spent a big chunk of the afternoon in the music library.

I remember it was late, around 6, when I finally finished. I owed my roommate beer, and so I stopped at a store, then headed back to the apartment.

When I finally got home my roommate was at his desk. He was in architecture, and was always working on something. I walked in and said hi. He said "your Dad called, asked you to call him back", and was back to his work.

I began putting the beer in the fridge, and called home. My Dad answered, and when I said "Hi" he paused and then said "Ibee Grumpy, your life has changed forever."

I'd been accepted to medical school.

It's hard to remember all the feelings that went through me. Relief, happiness, nervousness, and an overwhelming gratitude that I'd remembered to buy beer that night. It wasn't great beer, but hell, it was still beer.

I'd tried to get in the year before. Applied to 18 schools, got 2 interviews, accepted to none.

This year I'd applied to, I think 25 or so schools. I got interviews at 10-15, and spent a lot of time flying all over the country. I'd even applied to law school as a back-up (got in, too).

I don't remember much about the rest of the school year. My grades took a dive, since I only cared about passing now. I went to more parties. Baseball games were free at my school, so I went to them, too. One involved me sitting through a record downpour with maybe 10 other fans until they called the game in the 5th.

It's been a helluva ride.