Lost in translation

While doing an online research survey this morning, I encountered this question, which bizarrely switches between Portuguese and English in the same sentence:

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Huh?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Mendel: "My first cousin was adopted, so I have no idea what my aunt had."

Rhyme and verse

Some days I think the staff at Local Hospital tries to invent new ways to torment me. This message was left on my voice mail last night:

"Dr. Grumpy, this is Local Hospital.

We have a consult for you
In room 722
Call me at extension 16742

First name Mel, last name Bell
He fell, and doesn't feel well
Requesting physician is Dr. Patel
When you call back, his nurse is Nell."


For doing this to me, you people can go to hell.

Dude, am I driving?

Another fine moment in alcohol use.

Memories...

In medical school I (briefly) joined a local singles group.

The only event I remember going to was a dinner party at someone's apartment.

Me and another guy (even more geeky than me, and he was quite drunk, which didn't help) were both interested in the same girl (I think she was the only pretty one there. Possibly the only female there at all).

Anyway, I won, and she ended up leaving with me to go get a drink afterwards.

A week later I discovered the geeky guy was an Internal Medicine attending. At my medical school.

And I was assigned to him for a week.

He, fortunately, either didn't remember me (he'd been pretty drunk) or was pretending not to remember me (didn't want to admit losing the girl to a med student).

Things that go BOOM!

Instead of a regular post...

With this year's July 4th fireworks behind us, here are some of the odder explosive-related news stories I've been sent.

1. A guy who tried modifying them in his kitchen.

2. A school with an explosive way of starting classes.

3. A gentlemen who, in lieu of regular fireworks, lit a military-grade explosive (not for the squeamish).

Pick-up lines from a pizza

I'd like to thank Webhill for sending in this picture from a pizza place.

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Concern

Mrs. Regan-Goneril: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Mrs. Regan-Goneril, this is Dr. Grumpy, the neurologist taking care of your mom. We met last night at the hospital. I wanted to update you on her condition, as things have changed in the last few hours, and..."

Mrs. Regan-Goneril: "I'm at the salon. Just tell me in one word what is wrong with my mother, because I'm busy and they haven't even done my nails yet."

"Hey! Let's get drunk, steal a gator, and go 4-wheeling!"

I just don't understand people.

Random memories of Monday

For Independence Day the Grumpys went to a local fair with rides and music and places to let your kids burn off energy while waiting for the fireworks to start.

We stopped at Local Grocery to buy tickets and pick up some tomatoes. Inside a couple in the floral section was fighting LOUDLY.

What was the dispute?

She was insisting that July 4th is one of those holidays where you're supposed to buy your wife/girlfriend flowers.

Now, I can understand this if it happened to also be her birthday. Or their anniversary. But it was pretty clear from their screaming that it was neither.

I didn't get it, either.

__________________________________


At the fair several sponsoring businesses had set up booths to advertise their stuff. One was from Local Cancer Treatment Center, where a lady handed out pamphlets and told people about their new treatment and research protocols.

During the entire time she never stopped smoking.


__________________________________


One booth was handing out prizes to kids who scored a bullseye. Winners had their choice of candy, a little stuffed animal, an airplane toy, or sunscreen.

They definitely weren't going to run out of sunscreen.

Dear Ms. Patient,

I'm sorry to hear you've fired me, and that you're irate you owe me $200.

You've been here 3 times in the last 6 weeks for various issues. Each time, as per office procedure, Mary asked if your insurance or address had changed, and each time you said no.

Last week we learned that not only HAD your insurance changed, but it was to a plan I don't take.

When my billing service called you about this, your reaction was "well, if my last insurance covered him, my new one should." Wrong.

And you just left Mary a scathing voicemail claiming that it's OUR fault for just taking your word on the insurance, instead of demanding that we see a copy of your card at every visit. Silly us, we assumed you'd tell us if it changed. That's why we ask each time.

I also loved the part about you threatening to turn me into the state board and "giving you bad reviews on all the internet rating sites" if I didn't forgive the $200.

This is no different than shoplifting. If you stole $200 worth of merchandise from a store, they'd press criminal charges. I can't do that, but I can turn you over to collections. I don't care if you're stupid, pretending to be stupid, or just malicious, but this is what I do for a living. You were more than happy to accept my treatments, and signed a bill after each visit.

Have a nice day.

Mary, give this man an appointment

My office has 3 overhead fluorescent light fixtures. When I came in today the one over my desk had burned out.

No biggie. I called maintenance, and they sent Mr. Repairman over.

He comes into my office, and looks at all 3 light fixtures. After a minute he points to the dark one over my desk and says "Doc, is this the one that isn't working?"

Show him the BaRF!

Medicine is full of rating scales. This is a new one to me.

It's used to ask kids how nauseous they are. And it is, I swear, called the Baxter Retching Faces (or BaRF) scale.

July 4th history lesson

Covert operations, while recently famous due to the hunt for Bin Ladin, have been an integral part of militaries since the dawn of time. The technology changes, but the people don't. Out of many remarkable ones, probably the most successful operation of this type (in my opinion) was the British commandos who knowingly went on the one-way Operation Chariot (which is rarely mentioned in schoolbooks today).

But, since it's July 4th, I'm going to write about an American most of you have probably never heard of. Although he certainly wasn't the first American to carry out a dangerous mission, he did what many thought was impossible.

During the American Civil War the new technology of iron warships was being repeatedly put to the combat test- with stalemate results. Although metal ships could easily destroy wooden ones, clashes between ironclads typically resulted in a lot of smoke and noise, but both opponents survived. Sinking a solid ironclad remained a challenge.

In 1864 a single, dangerous, Confederate warship, the Albemarle, was guarding the North Carolina Sounds from Union forces. She was small by today's standards, and had been built in a cornfield because of a lack of shipyards. But in her iron hull she had 2 powerful cannons, and had proven herself in combat. Her existence was a thorn in the side for Union forces, who didn't have an available ironclad that could travel far enough to reach her. Her location, and potential to get out and cause trouble, prevented more extensive military plans from being carried out.





Even when young, William Barker Cushing was a chronically ill man, with recurrent respiratory infections and headaches. He was, nevetheless, admitted to the U.S. Naval Academy- only to be expelled in his 2nd year for pranks. But when the Civil War started 3 weeks later officers were needed, and he was reinstated. In spite of his multiple health problems he proved himself to be a relentless warrior, and at age 19 was given command of 2 ships that had been taken as prizes.

He excelled in daring missions, leading a raid into a confederate harbor to burn ships, and later several missions behind enemy lines to destroy military supplies. He was promoted rapidly, and was even brought to meet President Lincoln to give him a personal appraisal of the war. A few weeks later Cushing's brother was killed in the fighting at Gettysburg.

In 1864 he led a covert raid to capture a Confederate general, Louis Hebert. The raid was almost successful- but Hebert had traveled to Wilmington on business the day before. Cushing took other prisoners, and left a signed note on Hebert's desk saying "I deeply regret that you were not here when I called."

Cushing thought about the Albemarle hiding upriver, and how to stop the seemingly invincible ironclad. He finally came up with the idea of a surprise attack using a small boat and explosives.

It seemed like a suicide mission, and hadn't been done before. But the Albemarle was a problem that had to be dealt with, and Cushing had shown a remarkable ability to do the impossible. His commanding officer recorded that he personally felt Cushing's idea was "a forlorn hope... I have no great confidence in his success" but, since a failed mission would cost the Union only 2 boats and a small group of men, was willing to proceed.

Cushing went from ship-to-ship in the blockading Union squadron, asking for volunteers. He told them of the dangers: traveling up the Roanoke river, trying to slip by confederate outposts and sentries, and sinking an ironclad.

On October 27 he and his handpicked crew had a champagne dinner to celebrate the coming success of their mission (or their last meal) before leaving. They sailed at 11:00 p.m. on a small wooden steam-powered boat, with an explosive charge mounted on a long pole in front.

It was a dark night, with rain. Cushing and his men managed to slip past several Confederate stations before the Albemarle's night watch saw him and rang the alarm He was too close at that point for the ironclad's cannons to be used, but her crew, and shore troops, opened up a withering fire.

Cushing continued on, only to discover the Albemarle was surrounded by a floating log boom, linked by heavy ropes. It was too far away from the ship for his explosive to work. By this time one of Cushing's men had been wounded by enemy fire, and Cushing himself, while unharmed, had his clothes shot through in 3 places.

He turned his boat away - and for a few minutes the Confederates thought he'd been driven off. But Cushing just wanted to build up speed. After traveling 100 yards downriver he turned around, and throttled to full speed. He and his men knew there was no way to get back over the boom once they crossed it.

The heavy fire continued. Cushing was shot in the left hand, and the back of his jacket and sole of one shoe had been shot off. But he didn't flinch. His boat struck the logs and went over, driving the explosive charge into the Albemarle. The force of the blast "blew a hole you could drive a wagon through" and the ironclad rapidly settled into the mud as her crew jumped to shore.

Their boat trapped, Cushing and his crew abandoned it. Only Cushing would return to safety, the others all surrendering or drowning. But they had done what no ship had been able to: sink an ironclad.

Cushing swam downriver that night, and spent the next day evading Confederate patrols in a swamp. That evening he stole a rowboat and paddled back out to the waiting Union fleet. With the news of the Albemarle's loss the Union forces moved rapidly, and successfully, upriver.

Cushing's star was bright, but brief. After the Civil War he began having debilitating attacks of hip pain, and his headaches and respiratory problems worsened. He married and had children. In spite of his health issues he tried to remain in active service. At age 30 he became the youngest man in U.S. history (up to that time) to become a Commander.

His pain worsened, and spread. The medical science at the time didn't find a cause for his worsening (now suspected to be either Tuberculosisis or metastatic cancer). On Thanksgiving 1874 it was incapacitating, and he became delirious. He died 3 weeks later, and was buried at the U.S. Naval Academy Cemetery.

He was 32.