EEEEEYYYAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sir, I think the test you're referring to is the PSA for prostate cancer.

While it is, like a mammogram, part of preventative health care, the two tests are not at all similar.

It is NOT called a "penogram", and doesn't involve having your winkie squashed between metal plates.

Thank you. Now go get your blood drawn.

Mary, order another case of Rogaine for me

Dr. Grumpy: "Anything that triggers these spells?"

Mr. Dieffenbachia: "Yes. A plant."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you know which plant?"

Mr. Dieffenbachia: "That one that grows outside."

Critical medical points

As my readers know, I go to great lengths to avoid other neurologists. I do this because this branch of medicine is just chock full of personality disorders.

Don't believe me? Allow me to introduce exhibit A, which was published in the January/February 2011 issue of Practical Neurology.

click to enlarge



Because, let's face it: It takes a really special kind of whackjob to write a letter complaining about using both the words "preventive" AND "preventative" in the same article. They even get bonus points for being able to cite an article from freakin' 1964 on such an important point.

p.s. You guys spelled "inconsistency" wrong.

Important questions

Dr. Grumpy: "I spoke to the radiologist, and it looks like your husband has had a stroke..."

Mrs. Concern: "Oh NO! What will the neighbors think?!!!"

Glad to hear that

My home phone rings.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Mom Grumpy: "Hi, Ibee, it's mom."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, mom, how ya doing?"

Mom Grumpy: "Fine, but you wouldn't believe what just happened! Dad and I went to the Dragon Grease Chinese buffet tonight, and our internist, Dr. Osler, was there! Eating dinner!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, mom, doctors go out to dinner, too."

Mom Grumpy: "Yeah, but they should know better than to go to an unhealthy place like Dragon Grease!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Mom, I met you guys at Dragon Grease 2 weeks ago!"

Mom Grumpy: "You don't count."

Weekend reruns

I got called to the hospital on Monday to see an elderly man, who lives with his kids.

On Friday night he fell asleep on the couch while watching TV. He looked so comfortable the family put a blanket over him and left him there.

He slept all day Saturday, barely moving. They left him alone.

And Sunday morning.

It wasn't until early Sunday afternoon that somebody thought, "Hey, Gramps hasn't woken up in over 40 hours. Maybe we should try to wake him".

Not surprisingly, they discovered they couldn't wake him up, and called 911.

So that's today's medical advice: It is NOT normal to sleep for almost 48 continuous hours.

It's not artisanal...

But I really don't understand how a tomato can be a "Limited Edition" item.





Thank you, Cal!

Obituary

With the passing of Peter Falk today, I've seen a lot of mentions of his work. Primarily his famous role as Detective Columbo, but also for his movie roles such as "The Princess Bride" and "The In-Laws".

Nowhere in there is anyone mentioning what I thought was a screamingly funny 1990 movie he starred in called "Tune in Tomorrow". It also featured Keanu Reeves.

If you haven't seen it, you should.

Unless, of course, you're Albanian...

Healthy living

Several of my patients are nurses at the hospital I work at. So yesterday afternoon, while I was on rounds, one came over and asked if she could talk to me in private.

So a few minutes later I met her in an empty room. She told me that she found out last week that she's pregnant, and so she stopped her migraine medication. I told her that's fine, and congratulated her.

15 minutes later, while walking out to my car, I noticed her standing outside.

Smoking.

Math

Due to an insane day, I was ordered to stop by Taco Bell to get dinner.

Gumwad: "Welcome to Taco Bell."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, can I get the taco party pack for $10?"

Gumwad: "Okay, what size? We have 10 regular tacos for $10, or 12 regular tacos for $10. Your choice."

Reasons I love Annie

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Somnus: "Hi, I need something to help me sleep."

Annie: "Let me look at your chart... Boy, you've already tried a bunch... Have you been on Dozeaway?"

Mrs. Somnus: "No, but a friend told me it made her too sleepy the next morning, so I don't want that."

Annie: "What about Snorefast?"

Mrs. Somnus: "That's not covered on my plan. Do you have something to help me sleep that's inexpensive and has no side effects?"

Annie: "Buy a teddy bear."

More finding-a-doctor tips

For those of you who missed my previous post on finding a good doc, here's another important clue:

A reputable physician will NOT do office consults and exams at a coffee shop.

Thank you, AM!

Great drug rep quotes

"Doctor, Wirfliss Pharmaceuticals has done a lot of total research on this drug, and we've found that the totality of our results, in total, shows a total number of benefits that improves a patient's total health."

Futility

Dr. Grumpy: "How did the medication work?"

Mr. Metal: "It didn't."

Dr. Grumpy: "How long did you take it for?"

Mr. Metal: "I picked up the bottle."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you take it?"

Mr. Metal: "Um, no."