And don't let them drink out of the toilet, either.

I'd like to thank Webhill, who noticed this at her doctor's office.

Today's featured gift

Maybe you're a bank robber with sensitive skin. Or Al-Queda has been recruiting you, but your delicate complexion can't handle the Afghanistan sun. Or you're a radiologist who shies away from that big yellow ball in the sky outside your nice, dark reading room.

Fortunately, Coolibar has a line of sun protection with people like you in mind.

Help! I'm being attacked by a giant spider!

Mary's desk, December 21, 2010

(Lady walks up to the counter, signs in)

Mary: "Um, your appointment was at 9:00, and it's now 9:28. I'm afraid we won't be able to see you."

Mrs. Notontime: "That's ridiculous. I'm here. You have to see me."

Mary: "I'm sorry. Dr. Grumpy tries to run on time, and has already started with his 9:30. Today is packed, but I can get you in on Thursday."

Mrs. Notontime: "This is illegal. You are in violation of state law, which defines being late for an appointment as more than 30 minutes. Therefore, at 28 minutes, I'm not late."

Mary: "Ma'am there is no such state law, and you're not going to be seen."

Mrs. Notontime: "I'm reporting you to the governor!"

(leaves)

Christmas catalogs

So many catalogs feature idyllic holiday scenes. Usually there's a Christmas tree in the middle, with presents piled under it. A few toys. Children playing in the background. Some mistletoe and holly. A fireplace. All trying to get you to order junk for people you don't like.

So why should a science supply company be any different? Shouldn't they have a holiday catalog, too?

(click to enlarge)





Because if finding a skull or anatomically-correct partially-dissected torso under a tree doesn't say "Merry Christmas!", I don't know what does.*

* Depending on the location of the tree. If it's one in your front yard, that isn't good.

Modern education

Mr. Phud: "I'm a college professor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, what do you teach?"

Mr. Phud: "Auto repair, financial planning, and photography."

Today's featured gift

"Hey, where should I put this quarter?"

We all like saving money, but it's important to have a bank.

And what could be more tasteful than one that allows you to stick it in a rectum, then farts when you do?




Makes a great gift for your proctologist!

Worst Christmas Story Ever

It's been 4 years since a friend sent me this holiday story.

I think it's time to share it with you guys.

Click here.

That's why they call it a stroke

Although I'm not on call, I somehow ended up getting dragged in to the hospital last night to do a consult.

Mr. Onan: "... Then my right arm just went limp, like a dead weight. I couldn't move it at all."

Dr. Grumpy: "What were you doing when this started?"

Mr. Onan: "I was, um, you know..."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I don't."

Mr. Onan: "Um... I was masturbating."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh! Okay. So, when the right arm stopped working, what happened?"

Mr. Onan: "I switched to my left."

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!! When did you call 911?"

Mr. Onan: "After I finished. Look, doc, Viagra is expensive, and I didn't want it to go to waste."

Things you won't find for Kindle

Finding a good book can be tricky, even in this era of giant bookstores, online bookstores, and e-Book readers.

Until now.

Thanks to a remarkable website, it is now possible to get such intriguing volumes as:


A Popular History of British Seaweeds

The Armpit of Desire

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

How to make your own sex toys

Menopop- A menopause pop-up and activity book



"Wow! Where can I find such amazing titles" You ask? Click here.

Operators are standing by!

First impressions

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy. Have a seat."

Mr. Pile: "Hi, Doc. Pleased to meet you. Hey, sorry about what I did to your lobby bathroom. It was like, a major league crap. You know what I mean?"

Today's featured gift

Need a tie or scarf for that special person? Neither do I. But if you do, wouldn't you want something like gonorrhea or ebola virus on it? Of course you would!

(click to enlarge)





Yes, now fashionable neckware for both sexes comes in an assortment of unpleasant pathogens, including plague, dust mites, and mad cow disease! Also available in not just 1, but 2 types of breast cancer!

Operators are standing by!

Dear Local Nutritionist,

Thank you for dropping off some "Healthy Eating Whole Grain Low-Sugar Preservative-Free Cookies" at the office today, with a note saying that you want to help my staff eat healthy over the holidays.

I must say they've had some of the desired effect. The box's picture of an adult male wearing candy-cane-striped 1980's exercise short-shorts has made us all lose our appetites.

Wednesday afternoon rounds

Dr. Testosterone: "You paged me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I saw Mr. Trauma, who you consulted me on, and I'm just trying to get an idea of why you called me."

Dr. Testosterone: "Which patient was this?"

Dr. Grumpy: "He was riding his bike and was hit by a drunk driver, and suffered multiple fractures."

Dr.Testosterone: "Oh, yeah. I want your input as to why he fell off the bike. Did he have a seizure, or balance problem, or something like that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uhh... Your dictation says he fell off because he was hit by a car!"

Dr. Testosterone: "So? My dictation doesn't mean anything."