Today's featured gift

"Hey, where should I put this quarter?"

We all like saving money, but it's important to have a bank.

And what could be more tasteful than one that allows you to stick it in a rectum, then farts when you do?




Makes a great gift for your proctologist!

Worst Christmas Story Ever

It's been 4 years since a friend sent me this holiday story.

I think it's time to share it with you guys.

Click here.

That's why they call it a stroke

Although I'm not on call, I somehow ended up getting dragged in to the hospital last night to do a consult.

Mr. Onan: "... Then my right arm just went limp, like a dead weight. I couldn't move it at all."

Dr. Grumpy: "What were you doing when this started?"

Mr. Onan: "I was, um, you know..."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I don't."

Mr. Onan: "Um... I was masturbating."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh! Okay. So, when the right arm stopped working, what happened?"

Mr. Onan: "I switched to my left."

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!! When did you call 911?"

Mr. Onan: "After I finished. Look, doc, Viagra is expensive, and I didn't want it to go to waste."

Things you won't find for Kindle

Finding a good book can be tricky, even in this era of giant bookstores, online bookstores, and e-Book readers.

Until now.

Thanks to a remarkable website, it is now possible to get such intriguing volumes as:


A Popular History of British Seaweeds

The Armpit of Desire

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

How to make your own sex toys

Menopop- A menopause pop-up and activity book



"Wow! Where can I find such amazing titles" You ask? Click here.

Operators are standing by!

First impressions

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy. Have a seat."

Mr. Pile: "Hi, Doc. Pleased to meet you. Hey, sorry about what I did to your lobby bathroom. It was like, a major league crap. You know what I mean?"

Today's featured gift

Need a tie or scarf for that special person? Neither do I. But if you do, wouldn't you want something like gonorrhea or ebola virus on it? Of course you would!

(click to enlarge)





Yes, now fashionable neckware for both sexes comes in an assortment of unpleasant pathogens, including plague, dust mites, and mad cow disease! Also available in not just 1, but 2 types of breast cancer!

Operators are standing by!

Dear Local Nutritionist,

Thank you for dropping off some "Healthy Eating Whole Grain Low-Sugar Preservative-Free Cookies" at the office today, with a note saying that you want to help my staff eat healthy over the holidays.

I must say they've had some of the desired effect. The box's picture of an adult male wearing candy-cane-striped 1980's exercise short-shorts has made us all lose our appetites.

Wednesday afternoon rounds

Dr. Testosterone: "You paged me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I saw Mr. Trauma, who you consulted me on, and I'm just trying to get an idea of why you called me."

Dr. Testosterone: "Which patient was this?"

Dr. Grumpy: "He was riding his bike and was hit by a drunk driver, and suffered multiple fractures."

Dr.Testosterone: "Oh, yeah. I want your input as to why he fell off the bike. Did he have a seizure, or balance problem, or something like that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uhh... Your dictation says he fell off because he was hit by a car!"

Dr. Testosterone: "So? My dictation doesn't mean anything."

Dumpster diving with Dr. Grumpy

After 10 years of faithful service, our office credit card machine won't be supported in 2011. Apparently some sort of new gadget is required. So I ordered one last week, and it came over the weekend.

Monday was a pretty frantic afternoon here, and Mary had to leave 15 minutes early to meet with her son's teacher. Since I was done with patients, and to procrastinate on dictations, I pulled out the old machine and installed the new, shiny, credit card gadget.

I tested it (it works) and on the way home tossed the old machine in the environmentally-friendly electronic recycling dumpster at Local Electronics Store.

So Tuesday morning Mary comes in, and runs back to my office. She looked frantic.


Mary: "Where's the old machine?!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I installed the new one last night."

Mary: "WHERE'S THE OLD MACHINE?!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I put it in the recycling dumpster down the street."

Mary: "I DIDN'T BATCH OUT AND CLEAR IT LAST NIGHT! I WAS IN A HURRY AND FIGURED I'D DO IT THIS MORNING!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Calm down, I mean, how much could be in it? 10 or 20 bucks?"

Mary: "$458!!!

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!!"

Mary: "You had a few cash-pay patients yesterday, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is my first one here yet?"

Mary: "No."


I grabbed my coat and yelled to Pissy's staff we'd be back in a few minutes. Mary and I ran to my car, and drove over to the dumpster.

Someone had left the lid open overnight, and so there was snow on the pile of computer monitors, old hard drives, iPods, and cell phones. In conduct unbecoming a neurologist, I climbed into the dumpster and frantically dug through the snow (forgot my gloves at the office, too). Several downtown homeless people stopped to watch, and one kindly yelled that there weren't any cans in there.

I found the machine, tossed it to Mary, climbed out, and we sped back to the office.

While I was with the first patient Mary transmitted billing from the old doodad and wiped its memory.

My patient asked why I didn't have my usual Diet Coke on my desk. I told her I didn't need it.

Matching microbiology

After you've handled the putter in the previous gift, you should definitely wash your hands. So you may want bacterial-themed soaps from this site.

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc. recommend good hygiene!

Today's featured gift

I know there are golf fanatics out there, who live to play.

But sometimes you can't get out to the course. Maybe the weather is bad. Or you're just too busy at work. Or you can't get a decent tee time.

And that's where this next gift comes in.

(click to enlarge)





Yes, it's a miniature golf course for your bathroom. It includes a putter, 2 balls (besides your own, guys) and a "Do Not Disturb" sign. I suppose you should also spring for some Clorox wipes to clean the putter between rounds.

Holiday travel tips

Attention potheads!

If you want to travel with marijuana and associated paraphernalia by plane, that's your business.

I'm sure there are many creative ways to try and keep airport security from noticing it.

HOWEVER disguising your marijuana grinder as a freakin' hand grenade isn't one of them!

Like this guy.

Thank you, Michelle!

Okey-Dokey

Mr. Acei: "I have terrible back problems."

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of symptoms do you have?"

Mr. Acei: "My blood pressure goes up."

Dr. Grumpy: "But where does your back hurt?"

Mr. Acei: "My back feels fine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why do you say you have back problems?"

Mr. Acei: "What else could make my blood pressure go up?"

Is there a doctor on board?

Now I, Dr. Grumpy, consider myself a reasonably good neurologist. And I stay in my comfort zone. I don't try to treat chest pain, snotty noses, or dogs.

And, unless I really had no other options, would definitely NOT pretend to be able to fly a plane.

But Captain William Hamman, a senior jumbo jet captain for United Airlines, has apparently been doing both. He really is a pilot.

At the same time (sort of like in Catch Me If You Can) he's been passing himself off as a doctor. Not just any doctor, but a cardiologist. And he's done training courses for the AMA, American College of Caridiology, and FAA. He's done CME lectures at accredited training programs.

Guess what? After many years of doing this, he turns out not to be a doctor at all! He never did residency, or fellowship. He briefly attended medical school in the late 1970's, but dropped out and never graduated.

And it took 30 freakin' years for someone to realize this!

Here's the story.

Thank you, Don.