Friday, December 10, 2010

Biting my tongue

Mr. Bright: "I had a brain MRI."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have the report?"

Mr. Bright: "No. That's personal information. Why would you need that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm the brain doctor."

Mr. Bright: "You are? Oh, I thought you were a neurologist."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am. Brains are what a neurologist does."

Mr. Bright: "Oh. Well, my regular doctor said it showed nothing."

My inner voice: "I'm sure it did."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

More fine gifts



I use pens in my office, but at home I use pencils for most things (some of you may remember my tribute to an old friend).

I still haven't found a good pencil sharpener, either (the new X-Acto one we got is a POS).

So I was glad to learn of Mr. David Rees. This former political cartoonist quit his job to pursue a lifelong dream of being a professional pencil sharpener. I am not joking.

Now, I can't afford $17 for a hand sharpened pencil, but I have to respect someone for finding a career that hadn't existed before him.

Here's his site. Check it out. Even if you don't buy a pencil, it's worth the entertainment.

(Disclaimer- I don't know Mr. Rees at all, nor was I paid to put this up. But I do like his idea.)

Using the Jedi Mind Trick

Dr. Grumpy: "When did your headaches start?"

Daughter: "6 months after the car accident."

Mrs. Mother: "NO! You mean they started immediately after the car accident!"

Daughter: "I mean they started immediately after the car accident."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Whatever

Mr. Mesial: "I had another seizure on Sunday morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Mr. Mesial: "One of my buddies had a bachelor party on Saturday, and I stayed up late and forgot to take my medication."

Dr. Grumpy: "It sounds like that's the cause."

Mr. Mesial: "Um, actually no. I think it's punishment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Punishment?"

Mr. Mesial: "Well, when I was in church later on I realized it was because I had impure thoughts about the stripper we'd hired."

Near death experience

"I was dying... And then, suddenly, Elvis was standing over me! And then he ran away! And then he got married!"

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Jokes aside, this guy did good.

Thank you, Lauren!

More gift ideas

Toilets. We all use them at least a few times a day.

So why not make it more and start drinking out of one?




Yes, now you too can have the same drinking privileges your dog does!

If you enjoy coffee, experiment with adding different amounts of cream, and guess what GI disturbance they could be.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Yes, I'm a geek

Dear Starbucks,

Due to the cold spell, I stopped off for some hot caffeine this morning, and noticed you were selling a polar bear cookie.





Technically, I think they're polar bear pi. But that's just me.

The price of $1.25 seemed like a good deal. I figured they'd be $3.14.

Yours truly,

Dr. Grumpy

Attention patients!

I'm sorry you were 30 minutes late for your appointment yesterday, and Mary had to reschedule you.

I try to run on time as best I can. I understand that traffic/weather/building collapses are not under your control, but I can't set my entire day back to accommodate you, either.

So I appreciate you being willing to reschedule to next week.

And I understand you having to stop in the lobby bathroom after your prolonged stop behind a broken truck/burning bus/crashed blimp.

BUT

When you come out of the john, and notice Mary is busy with a drug rep, YOU SHOULD not sneak back to my exam room in hopes of being seen. I'm not that ignorant of my schedule. When Mrs. Jones and I walked from my office over to my exam room, and found you sitting in there claiming that Mary had told you to go back and wait for me, you looked pretty damn stupid.

Especially since you thought that I'd somehow be less likely to toss you out if you put on a paper gown.

Take your clothes out to the lobby bathroom, get dressed, and I'll see you next week.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Another day at the office

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Cowboy: "My dad was gored by a bull."

Dr. Grumpy: "Anyone have a stroke, or diabetes?"

Mr. Cowboy: "Same bull gored my brother, too."

Dr. Grumpy: "I hope you stay away from him."

Mr. Cowboy: "I ate him."

December 6, 1917




It was World War I.

Gigantic convoys of ships carrying weapons, food, and troops went constantly to Europe, bringing supplies to the Allies. They left from several major Canadian and American ports.

On this day one of them went horribly wrong. And outside of where it happened, it's mostly forgotten.

A large convoy was gathering in Halifax harbor for the trans-Atlantic journey. One ship was a freighter heavily loaded with explosives, the S.S. Mont-Blanc.

At 8:40 that morning, due to a series of mutual errors, she collided with the freighter S.S. Imo.

The Mont-Blanc immediately caught fire. Her crew tried to put it out, but due to its rapid spread were unable to. Scuttling attempts were unsuccessful, and the crew were forced to abandon ship. Someone rang a fire alarm, and several firefighting teams quickly responded to the docks. But with the ship in the harbor, there was little they could to but watch it burn. None of them knew about its cargo.

At 9:04 a.m. the disaster happened.

The ammunition cargo on the Mont-Blanc exploded with the force of 3 kilotons of TNT (roughly 1/5 the strength of the Hiroshima atomic bomb). To this day it remains the largest accidental explosion in human history. Windows were shattered 10 miles away. Objects fell from shelves 80 miles away. The explosion was heard over 200 miles away.

A mushroom cloud and fireball rose over a mile into the air, and a tsunami wave of water, 60 feet high, was sent surging into Halifax. The steamship Imo was picked up and thrown ashore like a toy. Many people (including the firemen) who'd gathered ashore to watch, or were trying to get to the Mont-Blanc to help, simply vanished.

Fire spread through the city. Since it was winter, many homes had furnaces and heating stoves alight, and the shock wave blew them over, spreading heating oil and coal on the ground. Red hot shards of the ship's metal rained everywhere in the city, starting fires in buildings not directly affected by the explosion. A half-ton section of the Mont-Blanc's anchor was thrown over 2 miles into the city, and is now part of a monument. To this day St. Paul's Church has a piece of wreckage embedded in the building.

The city within 1 mile of the entire explosion (326 acres) was utterly destroyed. Buildings, docks, warehouses, homes, and people- all gone in a few seconds. Large fires swept quickly through many city blocks, fueled by winter stores of coal and heating oil. An inferno grew quickly.

Many of Halifax's rescue workers were injured or killed by the explosion, and so the city's ability to react was already impaired. Firefighters from nearby communities came to help- only to find that fire hose and nozzle sizes weren't standardized, and they couldn't connect to the Halifax hydrants. In spite of this, they and surviving local crews worked valiantly to put out the fires, and began rescue efforts of the many trapped under collapsed buildings.

But it was a northern Winter, and darkness came early, along with bitter cold. Rescue workers struggled through the night, chasing voices and moving frozen debris by hand.

The dawn brought light- and a heavy snowstorm. It became the largest blizzard of that decade, dropping 16 inches of snow on Halifax in a few hours. It put out the last of the fires, but also impaired efforts to reach those who were trapped. Many survivors stuck under debris died from exposure while awaiting rescue.





This view overlooking Halifax harbor was taken after the snowstorm. This had previously been a busy neighborhood and business district. Click to enlarge.


All told, roughly 2,000 people died- 600 of them under 15 years of age. Another 6,000 were seriously injured, with 9,000 total wounded. 31,000 more were either homeless or had only minimal shelter. Many of the wounded were blinded by flying glass, and care for them eventually led to new treatments for eye trauma.

Although there were many heroes that awful day, one man stands out. His name was Vince Coleman, and he was a railway dispatcher ashore. When he learned of the burning ammunition ship, he realized that a loaded passenger train was on it's way to the waterfront depot, and would be there in a few minutes. Instead of saving himself, he ran to the telegraph key and quickly tapped out "Stop trains. Munitions ship on fire. Approaching Pier 6. Goodbye." He was killed a few seconds later in the explosion, and is credited with saving at least 300 lives.

Local hospitals overflowed with the dying and wounded, and anyone with medical training was pressed into work. The overtaxed Canadians were assisted by medical crews from American and British warships that had gathered for the convoy. An old ocean liner was turned into a hospital ship overnight. Other medical responders arrived, sent from all over Nova Scotia to assist.

Word of the disaster reached America in a few hours, and the state of Massachusetts rapidly organized a relief effort. All available trains in Boston were frantically loaded with food, medical supplies, shelter materials, and volunteer rescuers and medical personnel. The first train left Boston the night of the explosion, chugging through the same blizzard that was impairing relief efforts, and arriving roughly 30 hours later. It was followed by many other trains from all over Eastern Canada and America. The supplies and workers they brought are credited with keeping the death toll from going higher.

It's been 93 years since the tragedy, and the American assistance hasn't been forgotten. To this day Nova Scotia annually chooses it's finest Christmas tree and sends it as a gift to the city of Boston. This is the tree that stands in Boston Common every holiday season, remembering assistance in a time of need.




Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sunday morning

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Insulin: "Hi, I'm a diabetic, and my blood sugar has been out-of-control today."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm your neurologist. Why don't you call your internist?"

Mr. Insulin: "His number is out in my car, and it's too cold to go out and get it."

When I see...

I seen a peanut stand
Heard a rubber band
I seen a needle that winked its eye
But I be done seen 'bout everything
When I see a elephant fly

I seen a front porch swing
Heard a diamond ring
I seen a polka-dot railroad tie
But I be done seen 'bout everything
When I see a elephant fly

I saw a clothes horse, rear up and buck
And they tell me that a man once made a vegetable truck
(I didn't see that, I only heard
But just to be sociable, I'll take your word)

I heard a fireside chat, I saw a baseball bat
And I just laughed till I thought I'd die
But I be done seen 'bout everything
When I see a elephant fly

Happy birthday, Walt Disney!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

More gift ideas

It's been another great Christmakuh party. The fireplace is going, you and your loved ones are relaxing after a great meal, there's a game on TV.

What better way to spend time with friends than to throw feces at each other?

Of course, real feces are messy and unsanitary. So those of you who enjoy this popular sport now have another option.

(click to enlarge)




Yes, with Doody-Head you can now throw artificial stool at each other, without having to worry about messy clean up, unpleasant smells, or health code violations. Order yours today!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Afternoon at the Fights

Dr. Grumpy: "Any new issues?"

Mr. Patient: "Nope. I'm doing fine."

Lady Patient: "The hell you are!"

Mr. Patient: "Fine. Then you talk to the doctor."

Lady Patient: "Your driving is terrible!"

Mr. Patient: "My driving is fine."

Lady Patient: "Doctor, he drives too slowly."

Mr. Patient: "At least I know how to drive!"

Lady Patient: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Mr. Patient: "You can take it however you want."

Lady Patient: "I'm not the patient here!"

Mr. Patient: "Maybe you should be."
 
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