Bad drug rep mornings

A drug rep I like came in this morning with a tray of muffins. I went up to say "hi" and sign for samples. Mary was chatting with her.

Mary: "Did you get contacts?"

Cindy Pharma: "No. My kids broke my glasses over the weekend, and I can't find my spare pair. I have to order new glasses today. I can see fine for driving, but can't read at all."

Annie: "Well, thank you for the muffins."

Cindy Pharma: "You're welcome. You guys enjoy them. I swung by Costco and got some of their chocolate muffins, I figured you guys could use some chocolate to start the week."

Cindy left, and we took the muffins back to the break room. Mary took a big bite, and almost choked.

Cindy was right. She can't read without her glasses at all. They were bran.

Shoes for, um, swimming?

I'd like to think my reader Cheryl for submitting this.

Yes, folks, apparently the Gravity Defyer shoe company, trying to think of an eye-catching logo for it's product, has come up with this:

This is NOT photoshopped. You can find this on the company's web page if you don't believe me.

(click to enlarge)

Saturday night, 10:45 p.m.

"Hi, I'm doing my receipts here. I came into your office to settle a bill of $74.85 last month, and it looks like you guys charged my card $74.95. So, I'm really pissed off that you hosed me like this, and I want the discrepancy credited back to my card ASAP, or you'll be hearing from my lawyer."

ER Stories

Like most specialists, I hate being called to the ER. But last night I got dragged in.

I was, however, quite lucky. Because the friendly ER staff had arranged a play for my entertainment.

It was a busy Friday night in the ER. I found a computer and phone to work at, and began writing a note. As I scribbled away, some paramedics came in, wheeling a well-dressed woman in her 30's past. A nurse told them there were no rooms available, and to put her in the hallway, across from where I was working. I heard the paramedics talking. Lady who's allergic to oregano, but accidentally ate some at a restaurant. Brought in with complaints of shortness of breath.

Though this all, Mrs. Oregano didn't move. She lay there with her eyes closed. Breathing calmly. She didn't have an oxygen mask on. A blood oxygen saturation monitor reading showed her to be at a perfectly normal 97%.

After the paramedics walked away, the awesome ER nurse went over.

(curtain rises, play begins)

ER nurse: "Are you okay, ma'am?"

(Nothing. No movement. Nurse checks pulse, blood pressure, and glances at oxygen monitor)

ER nurse: "Ma'am, I know you can answer me."

Mrs. Oregano's eyelids fluttered open. "Where... where am I?"

ER nurse: "You're in the emergency room."

Mrs. Oregano: "Oh my God! I can't breathe! They gave me Oregano at the restaurant! I told them not to do that! I could have died!"

ER nurse: "Do you have any pain?"

Mrs. Oregano: "I CAN'T BREATHE, DAMNIT!!!"

ER nurse: "You're breathing fine, your oxygen saturations are normal and..."

Mrs. Oregano: "HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M NOT BREATHING AT ALL? I HAVEN'T TAKEN A BREATH IN OVER AN HOUR! IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT DROWNING PEOPLE? I WANT TO SEE A DOCTOR!"

The ER nurse, showing remarkable calm, restraint, and an iron ability to keep from laughing hysterically, walked away. She went into the doctor's area and said "We have a winner..."

(curtain falls)

Sorry, dude, you're not that good

Dr. Grumpy: "So at what point did you call 911?"

Mr. Young: "When I realized she was having a seizure."

Dr. Grumpy: "How long after the seizure started was that?"

Mr. Young: (looks at Mrs. Young, both blush, look at floor): "Well, I didn't call right away, because we were, um, having sex at the time, and when she started shaking I just thought she..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Got it. So how long did the seizure last?"

"Check this out" indeed

I'd like to thank my reader Boris for submitting this product placement issue. I suppose it's a marketing campaign of the "Warning: choose one, or get the other" sort.

(click to enlarge)

Reptile WIN!

I got a hospital consult to see a guy who'd suffered a closed head injury, so I wandered over to see him. The admitting note began like this:

"77 year old male who fell and struck his head. While working in his yard he was attacked by a snake. He pulled off his artificial leg to bludgeon the snake with it, then lost his balance and fell. He hit his head on a rock, and was knocked unconscious."

How to drive an ER doc nuts

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll swing by and have a look at her. Who's admitting her?"

Dr. Er: "Doctor Hu."

Dr. Grumpy: "Who?"

Dr. Er: "Hu."

Dr. Grumpy: "Dr. Who, the TV show?"

Dr. Er: "No! Dr. Hu, the hospitalist."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's what I asked? Who's admitting her?"

Dr. Er: "Hu."

Dr. Grumpy: "Who?"

Dr. Er: "Grumpy, you're a pain in the ass." (click)

Mary's desk, June 16, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss Multiplex: "Um, yeah, I need to make an appointment for Suzy."

Mary: "Okay, what's she coming in for?"

Miss Multiplex: "She has migraines. We both have Blue Cross."

Mary: "Okay, when can she come in?"

Miss Multiplex: "Umm... I'm not sure. I don't know when she'll be here."

Mary: "Is she traveling?"

Miss Multiplex: "No, she's one of my personalities."

Addictions

Like most neurologists, I read EEG's. These are tests that record a patient's brainwaves, usually done to see if the patient may be having seizures.

During one the tech running it types notes at the bottom of the screen, letting me know if the patient is talking, blinking, whatever, because these are things that can change the way the record looks.

So this morning I was reading a study, and this note floated by at the bottom of the screen.

(click to enlarge)

More time issues

Dr. Grumpy: "Has it been busy at work?"

Mr. Pillz: "Unbelievably crazy! We're working 60 hours a day, 6 days a week. And that's 24/7."

Logic

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any seizures since your last visit?"

Mrs. Ictal: "Two. They both happened when I was napping on the couch."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, then let's try raising your medication dose to..."

Mrs. Ictal: "Oh, we don't need to make any changes. Now I only nap on the bed."

What?

Dr. Grumpy: "Let me fill out an MRI scheduling form... Do you prefer mornings or afternoons?"

Mr. Timewarp: "I'd rather do an afternoon, but only if it's not in the morning or before 12:00."

Take me out to the ball game

So, yesterday the hospital gave us lowly doctors a trip to the baseball game, to cheer on the Grumpyville 9. They offered us discount tickets ($5 each) and so the Grumpy gang dug out some baseball hats, foam fingers, and other junk, and headed for the park.


Okay. Let's go. There's the gate. Wow. I can't believe how much they charge for parking. No, Frank, I have no idea what those people are protesting or boycotting or whatever. Just ignore them.

Really? Cash? How much will you pay for my tickets? Hey honey, wanna sell them to a scalper? Sorry, I can't. My wife just said she'll emasculate me if I do.

Already, Marie? Christ, why didn't you go at home? Okay, there's one over there. You're hungry, too? All of you are? Didn't we give you Goldfish Crackers in the car? Fine. We'll get some food before we find our seats.

Okay, 5 hot dogs, some nachos. Frank, can you help me carry this? Thanks. Good thing the bank has an office here, so I could take out a home equity loan to pay for the food. I never thought I'd see the day where Disneyland food looked cheap.

Don't spill the Diet Cokes, Frank, or you'll die. We're over in "special section" G-17, whatever that means. I think it's over there.

Here we are. Hold my tray so I can show the guy our tickets.

WHATTHEFUCKDOYOUMEANTHATALLTHEFOODINTHESPECIALSECTIONISFREE?!!!

HOLYCRAPIJUSTTOOKOUTASECONDMORTGAGETOPAYFORTHESEHOTDOGS!!!

Great. Okay. Let's take that table over there.

You're done with your hot dog Craig? Go get another one. The free buffet is over there. I don't care if you're not hungry. We're gonna get our money's worth.

Marie, don't wear the foam finger on your head during the national anthem.

Oooh, there's that new cardiologist, the hot blond lady, at the Coke machine... And some of the cute family practice residents are over at that table by the nachos... No dear, I'm just reading the scoreboard.

Crap. Dr. Loud is here. He's so obnoxious. He's making the rounds, too. I hope he doesn't come to our table.

I'm going for another hot dog. No, Frank, I don't care if you're full. Go get some more nachos. We may not feed you for another week.

HOME RUN! GRUMPYVILLE HIT A HOME RUN! THE CROWD GOES WILD! STAND UP AND CHEER, KIDS!

OMG! That cute little family practice resident doesn't shave her pits! Don't think I wanted to see that...

Marie, have some more popcorn and peanuts. No, I don't care. Shut up and eat. Find room.

Dr. Loud is at the table next to us. Crap. I don't want to talk to him. I hope he doesn't come sit with us next. Kids, don't look at him. His hideous shirt may blind you.

Grumpyville is down 5 to 1 in the 3rd inning. This isn't looking good.

No, Marie, I don't know when, or if, they're going to put dessert out. Go have another hot dog, and bring some back for your brothers.

Honey, how many of these hot dogs do you think you can fit in your purse? We could have some for dinner tomorrow, too.

Gang, you know the rules of baseball. You don't cheer wildly every freaking time somebody on either team hits the ball. That doesn't always mean something good.

The other team scored again. I'm going to go get some more nachos.

Oh, there's the hot blond cardiologist down on the concourse. Looks like she brought her sister to the game.

They're making out. I'm starting to think that's not her sister.

The other team scored again.

Frank, Craig, go have another hot dog. I'll be damned if I let the stadium come out ahead on this deal.

Where's Marie? Oh, she went to go ask when they're putting out dessert.

Where did Dr. Loud go? He's over there now. Good. I hope he skips our table. I can't stand him.

Frank, if you hit that lady with your foam finger again, she's going to punch you out, and I won't blame her, either.

The other team scored again... What all that noise?

Holy crap! Soomebody's kid is attacking the food-service guy who's taking care of the hot dog trays!

Shit! That's MY kid! MARIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry, sir. I really am. Here's a tip. Sorry. MARIE! Go sit over there!

Marie, you can't start kicking the waiter just because he told you that there's no dessert coming.

The other team scored again.

Hey! Dr. Loud is leaving! WTF? Hey, you fat slob! You schmoozed with every other damn table here EXCEPT MINE? What's up with that? Me and my family aren't good enough for you? What an obnoxious prick.

Let's go, people, this game is pathetic. Grumpyville is down 9-2 in the 5th inning. Everyone grab 2 hot dogs. We're gonna live off this stuff for the rest of the week. And some of those relish packets, too.

No, we are NOT buying ice cream on the way out.

Where the hell did we park?