Dear Mag Mutual Healthcare,

Thank you for your catalog of spiral-bound medical coding notebooks.

I've been trying to save money. But when I saw that if I spend only $355.95 on your books, I get a FREE stuffed bear (I bet it's made in China, and only cost you a few pennies), I just KNEW I had to place an order. A deal on a FREE stuffed toy like that (with every order of $355.95) doesn't come along every day.





If I had any second thoughts about getting the books, they were immediately erased when I noticed Jennifer on your cover (with the bear in the background).





I'll call you to place my order later, Jenn. I just hope Mrs. Grumpy doesn't catch me.

Mary's Desk, March 30, 2010

(Lady in scrubs comes in, stands at the front counter)

Mary: "Hi! Can I help you?"

Ms. Tooth: "Hi! I'm Cindy Tooth! I work for Dr. Plaque, the dentist across the street, and we're doing free tooth whitening for all medical office staff, to get them familiar with the procedure."

Mary: "Oh, that's nice, but no, thank you."

Ms. Tooth: "Are you sure? It looks like you could use it."

Mary: "Get out."

Early morning at the office

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you call her back last night?"

Annie: "No. I'll do it this morning. I couldn't bear to do it at the end of the day. She's like a torture chamber with a mouth."

Gee, thanks

More grainy, faxed pictures from a GI doc of the inside of my patient's rectum. This will really help me treat his Parkinson's disease.

Dude, you're also a pig

Look, I think it's great that you, a busy man in his 50's, would take the time out of your day to bring your mom to her appointment.

And I don't mind (too much) that you farted, loudly, in my office. I'd rather you have done it elsewhere, but sometimes we can't help it.

But, in all honesty, you then smiling and saying "Boy, that felt good!" wasn't needed. At all. I am not one of your beer buddies, and we are not in your living room.

Dude, you're a pig

Us guys get a bad rap. And, in all honesty, we at least partially deserve it. I myself am recently guilty of selective hearing.

There are times, however, when I encounter a situation that makes me ashamed to be a carrier for the Y chromosome (like this, from last year).

Yesterday I had a consult on a 24 year old lady who'd been admitted for some pretty scary symptoms. I got to the floor while she was downstairs having an MRI, so I saw a few other patients while waiting for her to come back.

Her boyfriend showed up during this time, discovered she wasn't in the room, and made himself comfortable. He adjusted the bed to a cozy position, bought a bunch of chips and pop from the vending machines, stretched out, and turned on basketball.

After about an hour she was done with the MRI, but there wasn't anyone available to bring her back to the room. Since I wanted to get started on the consult, I went downstairs myself, put her in a wheelchair, and pushed her up to the room.

When I wheeled her in, I looked at Mr. Boyfriend, and said, "You'll have to move to the chair. I need to examine her, and she needs to be in the bed."

He didn't budge. Without looking away from the screen he said, "Dude, I'm watching the game."

Comedy on rounds

I'm evaluating a pleasant, but very forgetful, older gentleman. His family is in the room.

Doctor Grumpy: "He seems to be very forgetful. Is he demented?"

Wife: "Heavens no!"

Daughter: "Oh my God! Is he ever!"

Son: "Maybe just a little."

Patient: "What's demented?"

Sunday morning rounds

Looking through the chart on a new consult. 22 year old female, who suffered a concussion yesterday.

I went in to see her. She had a HUGE bruise on her forehead, a few stitches at the hairline, and looked vague familiar.

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Miss Concussion: "I was upstairs doing a student nursing rotation yesterday, and had begun throwing up after seeing a lot of blood, when I got really lightheaded and remember falling toward the sink..."

Career change time?

On call today, there was a batch of young student nurses (maybe they were student nurse aids) at the hospital.

I was sitting at a nurses station, when a patient call light went on. One of the nurses, who was filling out forms at a desk, glanced up at a student and said "Hey, can you please see what he wants?"

The student went into the room, and we heard this:

Student: "What can I do for you... OHMYGOD!!!"

Patient: "Sorry, it looks like I'm bleeding a little and..."

Student: "A LITTLE! HOLY HELL! NURSE!"

The student ran out of the room and into the bathroom across the hall.

The nurse went into the room, giggling.

The patient began laughing.

On call. And they do call.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Miss Myelin: "Yeah, I see Dr. Cortex for my MS, and I woke up today with blurry vision, and I can barely walk."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had this before?"

Miss Myelin: "No, it's new. When my MS acts up Dr. Cortex usually admits me to the hospital for IV steroids."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's standard. I think you need to go to ER, and I'll likely admit you."

Miss Myelin: "Are you kidding? I don't have time for that shit."

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me?"

Miss Myelin "I don't have time for that. Can I schedule them for next week, like Wednesday or Thursday?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I suppose, but you'll have to call Dr. Cortex on Monday and... Look, if you're not going to let me help you, why did you even call on the weekend, anyway?"

Miss. Myelin: "Because I thought it might need urgent treatment."

Insanity

A grateful patient brought me a box of chocolates yesterday. So I took it home to share with my kids.

I got home, and they were all excited. You'd think they'd never seen freakin' chocolates before.

I opened the box, and they all peered in. I said they could each take one.

And immediately, a fight broke out.

Did they fight over who got the first candy? No.

Did they fight over who got which candy? No.

They fought over who got the bubble-wrap packaging.

Do you need a prescription for that?

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you take any other medications?"

Mr. Nike: "Umm... I like jogging."

I'm going to change my undies now

I'm with a patient. My cell phone rings. It's the most dreaded caller ID of all: Mrs. Grumpy.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Mrs. Grumpy: "Hey, can you pick up Craig on the way home? He's at the police station."

Dr. Grumpy: "OMG! WHAT HAPPENED?!!!"

Mrs. Grumpy: "Nothing. The Boy Scouts are touring it today. I told you that last night."

(long pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. I knew that."

Mrs. Grumpy: "Idiot."

I'm not that crazy. Yet.

Like most doctors, we have a sign-in sheet. It's not much, people just write their names and the time they arrived.

Mary usually tosses the old one and puts out a new sheet for the next day when she leaves at night, but forgot to yesterday.

So today's first patient comes in, and looks at this long sign-in list of patients seen between 8:00 and 5:00. And she looks at Mary and says "Oh, I had no idea you guys were working night hours now. That would be better for my schedule, too."