Department of Contradiction

Looking through some hospital notes today, and came across this:

(click to enlarge)

Mary's Desk, February 24, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Gold: "Yeah, I have an appointment this afternoon, and wanted to make sure you have a TV there."

Mary: "Um, no..."

Mrs. Gold: "You don't have a TV in the lobby? My internist does."

Mary: "No, we never have."

Mrs. Gold: "How am I supposed to watch the Olympics?"

Mary: "Well... you are coming to see the doctor, not to..."

Mrs. Gold: "Just cancel me, then. I'll call back next week, to reschedule after they're over."

Let me think about this one...

Okay, gang. I was doing an online marketing survey last night, and got this question:


"The following are two attributes for a new Parkinson's disease product. Please select which one you find MOST desirable, and which you find LEAST desirable:

Attribute A: Efficacy in improving tremor and balance.

Attribute B: Serious side-effect profile."

Patient testimonials I don't want

Dr. Grumpy: "How have you been doing since starting the Parkinson's medication?"

Mr. Shakes: "Much better. My wife doesn't yell at me as much about my driving. And since you gave me those pills I haven't blown out any tires from hitting the curb, which is nice. Those replacement tires can get expensive."

Dr. Grumpy: "I bet".

Is she a person? A tree? Both?

From another physician's note:

"During the seizure she was shaking all her limbs, as well as all four extremities".

More drug company toys

For those of you who missed my previous post on drug company gadgetry, click here.

Okay, this awesome doodad was dropped off at my office last month. I took some shots of it when I had time, but didn't get to put them up until now.

This AMAZING doohickey thingamajig is designed to demonstrate how gout happens.

So let's start with the first shot. The yellow slider is on the right, showing a LOW blood level of uric acid. The patient on the left looks comfortable, and the joint shown has a soothing shade of blue.





BUT NOW we slide the yellow switch over to the left, RAISING the blood's uric acid level. The patient's joints now glow red (get it? He's hurting?) and the big joint on the right is now bright red, with sharp, ugly, uric acid crystals causing gout pain.





Isn't it amazing what technology can do these days? And I can't even use it for a fish tank. Look for it at my next garage sale. After I remove the AA batteries to use in my Wiimote.

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

I'd like to tell the unknown persons who broke in and stole a bunch of my school's band's musical instruments last night that you are complete utter worthless asshole scum.

The school is too poor to buy replacements. Those were bought several years ago on a fundraising drive from the band, and have been carefully kept up since then, at teacher and student's personal expense.

I know that in a world of crappy economy, a horrible earthquake in Haiti, wars, and famine, a few instruments in a school for underprivileged children (many of whom live in shelters) are minor compared to the big picture of human suffering.

But to some of the kids here, they were everything.

And I hope you rot in hell.

Attention patients!

Telling me that you were in ER with a bloody nose last night is good enough for me. I trust you.

I SWEAR that it is NOT necessary for you to whip out your iPhone and show me pictures of blood and mucus streaming down your face. Or to show me the tail of the gauze sponge that is still lodged up there.

Thank you for your consideration.

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Sunday evening, 7:05 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Sue: "Goddammit... Sue! Did you call the doctor?"

Sue (in background): "Yes."

Mr. Sue: "Well it's him. Why the hell did you let me answer the phone if you knew he'd be calling?"

Sue (in background): "I told you not to answer the phone, and that I'd get it."

Mr. Sue: "You didn't say a fucking thing! Why would I answer the damn phone if I knew it wasn't for me?"

Sue (in background): "I don't know. I told you I'd called him, but it's not like you ever listen to me anyway."

Mr. Sue: "Well it's not like you ever have anything worthwhile to say."

Sue (in background): "You're such a..."

(click).

They never called back, either. I was kind of disappointed. It was starting to get interesting.

Store update

Okay, at the request of readers who have written in I've put up a few new items. I've been meaning to do this for a while, but yesterday had the time to do so while I was being held hostage at Chuck-E-Cheese (their motto: "Where a kid can be a terrorist").

One is an I HATE CALL!!! t-shirt, to which I've added some artistic culture by including that classic portrait of an on-call physician, The Scream by Edvard Munch.





The second is a shirt inspired by my popular intercourse post.

All available at the world-famous Grumpy Boutique.

Pharmacy quiz

Okay, today we have a special quiz, written with my pharmacy readers in mind.

You are a pharmacist or pharmacy technician, working at a large hospital. You receive an order for Fukitol, which says "Give patient Fukitol, 1 tablet upon waking each morning and one at noon".

You interpret this to mean:

A: Give twice a day, 1 pill when the patient wakes up and 1 pill at noon.

B: Give one 1 pill each day ONLY if the patient wakes up at noon.


If you answered B, thank you for taking the time to argue with me on the phone this morning. I really appreciated it when you said "maybe you should go back to school".

Saturday rounds

Al: "Telemetry desk, this is Al."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy. Did Mrs. Stroke, in room 843, do anything funny on the cardiac monitor overnight?"

Al: "Excuse me? Are you a family member of the patient?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm her attending physician, and I was wondering if she had any more cardiac arrythmias."

Al: "I can't tell you that. We have privacy laws."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm her freaking doctor! You have the phone ID right there! You can see I'm calling from the 8th floor nurses station!"

Al: "Look, whoever you are, I just started here..."

Dr. Grumpy: "No kidding."

Al: "...and in school we learned about the importance of patient privacy laws and... HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!"

(long pause, whispers at the other end)

(new voice comes on the line) "This is Cheryl, the telemetry supervisor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, thank God. It's Grumpy."

Cheryl: "I'm terribly sorry. You know how the new ones are. Her cardiac telemetry was normal."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thank you for getting on the phone."

Cheryl: "Anytime."

My Readers Write

I'd like to thank Andrea, who sent me this great marketing example. She says it was taken at Walgreen's.

It's a bag of Chocolate Bridge Mix, creatively placed with the feminine hygiene products.

Life During Wartime

I can hear children screaming. Adults trying to calm them down.
I can smell something burning in the distance.
A mass of humanity pushes and pulls aimlessly.
Starving people surround me.
Police in riot gear should be here, with tear gas and water cannons.
But no one comes to help.
I tell myself "this can't be America"
But it is.
I tell myself "this can't be my hometown"
But it is.

It's school fundraiser night at Local Buffet.