Edgar Allan Poe

Generally, I try not to copy things from other blogs.

But sometimes I MUST make an exception when I see something so good, so clever, that I want to share it and say LOOK AT THIS! IT'S FREAKING AWESOME!!!

And when I do that, I make sure I properly credit it.

Maybe it's because I'm a literature buff, and took too many of those classes in college. Edgar Allan Poe is featured in most of them, and his most famous work is The Raven.

So on reading other blogs today, I found this excellent post written by Maha. She's an ER nurse who writes Call Bells Make Me Nervous. Check her site out. And Maha, please forgive me, but I just had to share your remarkable piece of writing.

So, without further ado, I present Maha's satire on The Raven. It's called The Drunkard.

Had Edgar Allan Poe Been an Emergency Nurse…

The Drunkard

by Maha

Once upon a midnight dreary, while my back ached, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious patient at the triage door.
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone rudely rapping, rapping at my triage door.
"'Tis no drunkard," I muttered, "tapping at my triage door--
A well man and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember the bloody night before November,
And each and every staff member had brought a patient to the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow,
From my books of assessments thorough –to avoid the cookies from days of yore
And drink my latte from so long before.

But the stinkin’ sad uncertain shuffling of a drunkard’s gait that’s struggling
Thrilled me – filled me with supreme annoyance, never felt before.
So that now to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“Tis no drunkard entreating entrance at my triage door –
Some late UTI-er entreating entrance at my triage door;
This is it, give Toradol galore”.

Towards the patient I finally headed, hope for sleep completely shredded,
“What,” barked I, “please don’t have a complaint I’ll deplore,
But the fact is I was napping and so intently you were tapping,
And so rudely you came slurring, ranting at my triage door”.
And without regard or thinking, he barfed upon my triage door,
Chunky vomit and lots more.

Then, of course, the air grew denser, thanks to the obscene Spencer,
A man now pickled, whose foot-falls dragged in the department’s floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “why did God bring thee – by the devil he hath sent thee
Respite – respite and Valium please for thy abnormal CIWA score
Why, oh why this loud decree of your drunken presence on my door?!”
Screamed the drunkard, “I barfed some more”.

"Spencer!" said I, "this stench is evil!--Spencer this is the needle’s bevel,
Whether taxi sent, or whether ill-fate tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, in this department un-enchanted,
In this hallway by Horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore--
Is there--is there calm from Gravol?--tell me--tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the drunkard, "I need lots more."

"Spencer!" said I, “more upheavals? - Spencer still, if man or devil!
By the score of twenty and eleven – by the Valium we both adore –
Tell this nurse with sorrow laden, who to call? Perhaps thy maiden?
Please, oh please, I beg thee, use the bucket on the floor.”
Quoth the drunkard, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, man or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting.
"Get thee out of the department and save my night from being abhorred!
Leave no chunks of vomit as a token for my tolerance thou hast broken!
Leave here with this train token! – Quit the bed and leave the main floor!
Take thy stench as you depart, and take thy form from out the door!”
The drunkard started to loudly snore.

And the drunkard, unremitting, still is snoring, still is snoring
On the pallid stretcher mere inches from the door;
And his socks have all the seeming of a mold that is steaming
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my break retreating into shadows that was planned for four,
Shall be taken – nevermore!

How Hard Is This To Understand?

Okay. Your epilepsy has been stable for over 20 years. In fact, I only see you once a year for it, and refill your Tegretol while we chat about sports, weather, whatever.

Your medication dose hasn't changed since the 80's, back before I even went to med school.

I write you a new script once a year, that you fax to your mail-order pharmacy.

Normally I see you in January, but you had to move up your appointment since you'll be out of town next month. So you asked me to date your next Tegretol script for January 1, 2010, and you won't send it in until then. Fine. I did just that.

So, after I've given you a post-dated script DON'T FAX IT TO YOUR FREAKING PHARMACY WITHIN AN HOUR OF LEAVING MY OFFICE!!!

Now I've got the pharmacist calling, wondering if I'm demented and don't know the date (not an unreasonable thought). I'm pretty sure he doesn't think you have some sort of special time-traveling fax machine at home.

So don't do it again. Put the script on your refrigerator and don't cash it in until January 1, 2010 LIKE YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD and we'll all be happy.

Thank you.

Memories...

The peanut post got me thinking...

When I was doing my internal medicine residency, another doc in my class was a girl named Christine. She was just doing a 1 year internship before going on to radiology.

She was a good person, and a good doc. But she was a HORRIBLE black cloud. Bad luck just followed her and her patients, in spite of the fact that she took damn good care of them.

She just had remarkably shitty luck. When she was on call, her service would always max out with admissions, and they were all really sick. Codes would occur. Her patients seemed to die more often then anyone else's. And, again, this was just bad luck. She was a good doc, just always seemed to get the sickest patients.

After the first 6 months of this, she was so burned out that she needed a vacation, and booked a cruise.

On the first night of her cruise, the guy sitting next to her at dinner collapsed and died from a peanut allergy.

How To Irritate Your Neurologist

Dr. Grumpy: "Any allergies?"

Mr. Cereal: "Nuts... Hey, do you know it's safe for me to eat Honey-Nut Cheerios?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Umm..."

Mr. Cereal: "I mean, I know it says 'nut' in the name, but I wasn't sure if they really have nuts in them, or if they just say that".

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you read the ingredient list on the side of the box?"

Mr. Cereal: "No, why?"


Obviously, I'm allergic to nuts, too, of a sort...

Tuesday Morning Patient Quote

"Sometimes, when I really hurt, I stop breathing. I mean, like, for hours, literally. It hurts so bad I just stop breathing. After my car accident I went 2 weeks without breathing."

This is the Dawning of the Age of Extavia

(I am not a marketing person. I don't have the personality, or the mindset, or the training. So this story only barely makes sense to me. I'm sure the marketing or business people out there will tell me this is perfectly logical).

Extavia!

Isn't that a great name?

I have to wonder how much they paid the person who thought it up. It has a cool ring and the letters "X" and "V" (according to my friends who do sales, these, along with "Z", are considered "power letters", and putting them in words is supposed to connote something impressive).

With a name like that you'd think the drug was new, powerful, groundbreaking.

Extavia! NEW! For Multiple Sclerosis!

Released to the neurology world recently with hoopla, ads, drug rep lunches, etc.

Would you believe that Extavia is over 15 years old, and is being used to launch a drug that isn't even on the market yet?

Here's the story: Betaseron (Beta Interferon 1b) has been on the U.S market since the early 90's. It was the first drug ever approved for MS, and certainly is a decent drug. I prescribe my share of it. It's manufactured by Bayer.

Novartis, another pharmaceutical company, is developing a new MS drug, which it hopes to bring to market in the next 6-18 months.

But Novartis has no MS drug currently out there (though they do have 3 big neurological ones under patent). So they decided that, to get a foot in the MS marketing door now, they should hire a bunch of new reps (though they already have a fairly well-trained neurology sales force), and train them to market MS drugs. This is hard to do when you don't have one.

So they bought a license from Bayer to sell Betaseron, too, to get their reps some practice. But, since they didn't want to market plain old, early-90's Betaseron, they renamed it Extavia! New name! New marketing! Same drug! Same dosing! Same everything except the name (actually, I think the price is slightly lower)!

And, of course, Betaseron is still on the market. In fact, Bayer is making all the Extavia, too. So Bayer is likely going to clean up on the deal, since they get paid regardless of which gets prescribed.

I suspect Novartis will not make money on this, and is using Extavia as a loss leader, hoping to make the money back when the new drug comes out in a year or two.

On the one hand, I think it's good that they're hiring a new sales force to sell Extavia and future drug. Certainly, jobs are good for the economic recovery.

But on the other hand, it still seems kind of silly to me. Like I said, though, I'm not a marketing person.

Cyber Monday- The Deals Continue

For those of you who thought my Wii Fit Plus deal ($19.99 marked down to $19.96) wasn't good enough...

My reader Khym submitted this, even better, Wii deal!

(click to enlarge)



And a great big Dr. Grumpy thank you to Khym!

Thanks, I Didn't Think of That

I sent a patient to physical therapy for his back pain a few weeks ago.

The therapy place sent over a summary note on him just now.

It ended with this line:

"Recommendation: Patient was told not to do things that make his back hurt."

Concerned Parent

I know you're pregnant, ma'am, and I understand your concerns about not wanting to take a medication because it might harm your baby. I don't prescribe pills just for the hell of it, and try to weigh the risks and benefits.

But DON'T tell me that you're worried about the effects of the pills on a fetus when you just told me you smoke a freakin' pack a day, okay?

Cyber Monday Shopping

WOW! These online deals today are great! Look at how much money I can save buying "Wii Fit Plus" today!

What Part of "Closed" Are We Not Getting Here?

Look, people, I know the 4-day Thanksgiving weekend is still in force, but we are on the last day here.

And I don't mind you calling me for legitimate emergencies. It's part of the job, and I signed up for it.

My office message still says "We're closed, please call back during regular office hours for routine matters."

So please stop leaving messages like:

"Hi, are you open today?"

"I thought it was Monday, isn't it?"

"Can someone call me with your phone number?" (DUH! YOU JUST CALLED ME!)

"Is my MRI on Thursday or Friday?"

"Did I miss my appointment 2 weeks ago?"

"Can I find your office on Mapquest?"

"What kind of doctor is Dr. Grumpy?"

"Can I have my driver's license back so I can go Christmas shopping?"


At 8:30 a.m. tomorrow morning the phones will be rolled back, and you can start hassling Mary and Annie for questions about your tests, appointments, insurance authorizations, good shopping deals, safe ways to hang lights, and a myriad of other questions.

Thank you.

In Line at Starbucks

Mrs. Grumpy wanted to stop at Starbucks last night after dinner.


Guy in line: "I can't decide, they all sound good".

Counter girl: "We have the new Caramal Brulee' Latte' you might like. It's really good. Have you ever had creme brulee'?

Guy in line: "No".

Counter girl: "Well, creme brulee' tastes just like the Caramel Brulee' Latte does, um, if you, uh, knew what it tastes like, I mean."


Then I got up there.


Dr. Grumpy: "I'd like a polar bear cookie."

Counter girl: "They're good. We used to have them for other holidays, too, I mean, at least ones where polar bears are part of the theme."

Okay... How many other holidays with polar bears in the theme are there?

Brains and Butchers

This morning I went looking for a decent brain picture for the shirts. I couldn't find anything I liked in Google images, so I dug out and dusted off my old neuroanatomy textbook.

I'd forgotten this line (but it's hard to miss) in the book's first section:

"The fixed brain is serially sliced into 4mm sections on a Hobart Model 410 rotary-blade, electrically-driven, commercial meat slicer."

Think of that next time you're watching your local butcher use one of those things.

This Morning, At The Hospital...

Had to go in to see a patient.

As I got out of my car in the doctor's lot, I passed another doc who was leaving. He had a bumper sticker that said "Driver is medicated for your safety".

It's scary enough to see this on another doc's car. What's even worse is that he's a psychiatrist.