Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Stannum: "I need to see the doctor, but want to ask some questions first."

Mary: "Okay, what can I help you with?"

Ms. Stannum: "I'm having terrible problems on my left side, and I need to know what's going on. But I can't have any tests, so is he the kind of doctor who will order them?"

Mary: "Well, that's something he would have to decide during the appointment, but I can tell you that he does order MRI's and labs, and...."

Ms. Stannum: "DIDN'T YOU JUST HEAR ME? I said I can't have any tests! I'm deathly allergic to the metal used in needles to draw blood and those electrodes they put on your skin!

Mary: "All right, but..."

Ms. Stannum: "And the magnetic rays and X-rays that scanners give off devastate me. I mean, I've had them in the past from all my other neurologists, but then I'm bed-bound for weeks afterwards. WEEKS. Last time I had to take short term disability until I could recover from the effects they have on my brain waves."

Mary: "Maybe you..."

Ms. Stannum: "And I can't take any pills. The chemicals they use in them are all poisons to me. I've nearly died from them thousands of times. LITERALLY. THOUSANDS! So I need a doctor who can help me get better, but who won't make me have any tests or take any pills."

(pause)

Mary: "I don't think Dr. Grumpy and you would be a good match. You might want to try another office."

Ms. Stannum: "That's the problem with modern medicine. Nobody cares about helping sick people."

(click)

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like she needs some coconut oil. It's the panacea du jour. At the very least, it'll give her flakiness a nice texture.

Packer said...

I am thinking of moving to Grumpyville, looking up Dr. Grumpy and getting referrals to my new Reiki practice. I think it would be a winner. I am energized by the prospect.

Anonymous said...

You're still not paying Mary enough.

Yoko Drāno said...

"And don't give me any of that homeopathic medicine. It's way too strong for my system to handle."

bobbie said...

Another raise for Mary, please. She really saved your a$$ on that one!

Anonymous said...

I thought that all of Dr. Grumpy's instruments were made of kryptonite-free materials and were made of all 100% pure unobtanium? (she probably picked up her allergies wearing those tin-foil hats all of her life)

Moose said...

I actually did once know someone who was allergic to stainless steel. He had to have brain surgery - no joke - and they had to special make tools out of something else (I want to say ceramic, but it's been a long time) so they could do it.

But he didn't have issues with "scanners" and pills. If I had known then what I know now...

Stacey Gordon said...

Why didn't Mary mention that all of the rooms are RF shielded?

Shae said...

Well, Ma'am, I'll make sure the doctor and all the staff think lots of good thoughts in your direction.


Seriously though. "I'm not going to let you do anything to diagnose or treat me, but you are an uncaring heartless monster for not fixing my problem."

On the other hand, (if malpractice weren't a thing) tell her she's in bad shape, she needs TWO apples a day and one gram of dark chocolate; no more, no less; with lunch, and let the Placebo Effect do it's job.

Anonymous said...

Maybe she holds the phone up to her left ear?

Neil Young said...

I've seen the needle and the damage done...

Me said...

This woman sounds like she'd be perfect for "Chuck" from "Better Call Saul" the "Breaking Bad" spinoff!

Snow said...

Oh, just give her some DoTerra oils. Apparently, according to half my neighbors, the cure everything, and if you take them early enough you won't even get sick. Oh, and, be sure to tell her to drink them. Drinking them is the way to go, so say my neighbors. And don't forget, if she needs to lose weight, all she has to do is use a body wrap by It Works as well as use some of their greens, and, of course, she should do the 21 Day Fix by Beachbody. And wait, there's more....she will look wonderful if she'd just buy some Mary Kay products and carry a nice bag from Thirty-One.

My neighbors are starting to drive me up a wall.

Snow said...

AND...ignore all my typos in my previous comment, please. Apparently I haven't had enough DoTerra oils and it is causing me to make mistakes.

Anonymous said...

Take a cue from the Greeks and put some Windex on it.

a.generic doc said...

Did she suggest that the other office be a neurologist at your long ago former employer?

Anonymous said...

I think she came into our STD clinic last night

Candida Gomez said...

@Snow: What, no Amway? Tch.

As for this patient, of course the problems she cites couldn't be nocebo effects, or the effects of going out and about when you really aren't feeling well. No, it has to be Big Medicine's fault.

C said...

somebody has to treat the paranoids, but this time, it does not have to be you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Lord, facepalm...

 
Locations of visitors to this page