Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Why I love Mary

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Hi, I need to see the doctor."

Mary: "Okay, we have an opening next Tuesday at..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Does your office have WiFi?"

Mary: "No, we're a small practice and..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "That's good. My last neurologist was using WiFi to read my thoughts. He fired me when I told him I was reporting him to the police."

Mary: "Okay... What are you coming in for?"

Ms. Tinfoil: "I want someone to look at my MRI films. All the doctors say they're normal, but I know they work for the government. You can see the microtransistors they placed in my brain to use WiFi on me, and I need a neurologist who can see them, too."

Mary: "I'm not sure Dr. Grumpy is the kind of doctor you need..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "They put them there with special government-trained tics, that bit me and injected the receivers into my bloodstream."

Mary: "I'm sorry, you know, I completely forgot. Dr. Grumpy installed WiFi just last week, so people in the lobby could surf while waiting."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Oh shit, you're part of it, too!"

(click)

25 comments:

Andy Syms said...

ROTFLMAO!!!

Thanks Ibee, a great start to my day.

The Bus Driver said...

LOL nice save by mary!

Officer Cynical said...

I'd like to bid on a tinfoil hat concession to be set up in your lobby.

Anonymous said...

It is enhanced wifi with GPS capabilities and special NSA links.

Nurse Lilly said...

Sarah Palin wants to be your patient?

PediNP said...

Sounds like the parents who tell me that vaccines are a government plot to inject information into their children....

Anonymous said...

Officer Cynical, Please be careful when pulling people over. I used to worry about my officers all of the time, now I remember why.

Wow, just wow.

Packer said...

Schizophrenia, paranoid . 4th appointment with client and I never suspected, until the exact same story came spilling out. Except client had been kidnapped flown to Ireland, taken to secret military hospital where chip was implanted, chip gave off whirring noise. Nice guy, but tormented soul. I always tell people that the mentally ill did not ask to be mentally ill--because that is what one told me. It was part of my learning curve. Parent told me that the client doctor shopped for relief relentlessly.

Li'l Azathoth said...

So THAT'S the secret of Starbucks...

bunkywise said...

I saw that (sort of) on the tv show, Intelligence, the other night. She should never, EVER watch that program!

Anonymous said...

Wi-Fi? Thought-reading machines with 4G plans are surprisingly affordable these days.

bobbie said...

Mary ~ you ROCK!!! Wonderful save ~

Mad Jack said...

Main Lady is a licensed clinical psychologist and encounters this kind of thing all the time. It's a sad state of affairs, but you don't want a potentially violent schizophrenic in your office while they are off their meds.

Nice response from Mary.

GunDiva said...

Does Mary know how much we all love her? Can we clone her? More offices could use a Mary to help keep everyone sane :)

Mrs J said...

Sadly, in my work as an advocate for victims of domestic violence, we get a lot of calls from people with schizophrenia, multiple personalities, and other serious delusions and they have similar stories, insisting we need to hide them from whoever is after them. Much like what mad jack stated, we cannot place a potentially violent client in shelter with victims of domestic violence, but it is truly heartbreaking to know how very many people suffer with serious mental illness and have nowhere to go.
Ms Tinfoil needs psychiatric care, unfortunately, had Mary attempted to refer her, Ms tinfoil would not have responded well to said referral. Mary is a smart lady, quick thinking.

Moose said...

My mom's one sibling and the sibling's spouse are convinced the CIA is monitoring them. (Why, you do NOT want to know.)

They used to call me up once every couple of months (usually on Sunday, at 6 am) to ask for help trying to stop the CIA from breaking into their computer. (They had set up an expensive third-party firewall program that gave an "alert" any time another computer contacted theirs, even with non-malicious every day programs.)

My mother told me she would never speak to me again if I told them to wrap their computer in tin foil.

Anonymous said...

"Having Wi-Fi makes it a lot easier for those times when Dr. Grumpy needs to change his website on the fly without his patients seeing it."

Lizard said...

You do not pay Mary enough.

Mrs J said...

Lol, wonder if Mr bad hair and Ms tinfoil are cousins.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, saying that one does not want the potentially violent person with schizophrenia in their office short-circuits the issue.

Most of those with schizophrenia are non-violent. With the incidence of schizophrenia of only 1-2% in the U.S., the non-violent majority with this severe mental illness that is treatable surely take a 'hit' for those that are quite identifiably tin-hatters that kill off masses of human beings.

Although we can say that 'stigma' is a major stumbling block to access to adequate treatment and return to society in our culture, what say we think of Josef Stalin and Ivan the Terrible... those flawed humans commonly accepted as leaders in their respective areas of expertise.

Dr Grumpy is not in the business of psychiatry, nor is Mary going to promote it for her boss! I just wish that there was a way for Mary to identify the tin-hatters on the phone and advise them freely to seek care with a psychiatrist, like one might suggest, "That seems like a job for a plumber, has anyone suggested seeking help from Dr Proctology?"

Patients may already know that in some way there is something wrong and maybe even unwilling to accept they're bonkers, but if there was not such a bleak outcome to the diagnosis in this day and age, maybe, just maybe, it might be acceptable to think their illness is something a neurologist won't be able to 'fix', but might realize that the only reason that their next-door neighbor doesn't come at them with the garden shears some days is their use of judicious amounts of Jack Daniels or sertraline or venlafaxine or even ziprasidone. Those that have doubts of being labeled as 'killer tin-hatters' might not be averse to the possibility of checking into their way of thinking and behavior so much, and consider control of their eccentricity might be possible, so that they could live a more meaningful life.

My (previously highly intelligent) sister with schizophrenia thinks her dangerously high blood pressure can be fixed with eating more carrots ("to strengthen her heart and provide antioxidant protection for the toxins in her blood", she says.)

We in pharmacy encounter daily, the true believers in 'Head On' and $39.99 bottles of snake liver oil and 'Fat Go Away' fairy dust.

We all know of potential and actual tin-hatters. Even I recall when a piece of tinfoil helped reception on the rabbit-ears TV antenna, and so why not help in those secret CIA communications that are being sent insidiously but directly to me?

Anonymous said...

Dare I, as someone in the UK with personal experience of psychosis offer those reading this with my opinion? What matters isn't so much whether the chip is real - it exists somewhere either as a physical object or as a non-physical belief - but rather how to live with it. So when people I know start spouting this stuff I try to nudge them in the direction of someone practising some sort of practical talking therapy such as, but not only, CBT. Then maybe in time I point out that antipsychotics help some people to deal with this sort of thing, but either way the world won't end if one of us tinhats goes to his grave believing there's a chip in him, it's only a problem if he's distressed about it.

Anonymous said...

I work the front desk at a primary care office. I want to come to your office and train under Mary :)

Pierre said...

Oh! this is why I have these strange voices in my head!

Seriously, schizophrenia is such a terrible illness. And for sure, there is a stigma about it. And the people suffering from it are more often violent against themselves. One of my friend jumped from the 6 floor after stopping taking her meds.

Mrs J said...

I am glad you did respond. May I ask what is CBT? In my line of work quite a few of our DV victims also have scitzophrenia, split personality, ect. And if they are taking their meds and/or not violent. We accept them into our shelter. Any suggestions on helping them are greatly appreciated. My heart breaks for them as it isn't their fault they have the chemical imbalance in their brain that causes the disorder in the 1st place.

Anonymous said...

CBT is 'cognitive behavioral therapy' which requires a trained health professional to use communication and thought processes to develop positive new behaviors based on the supposition that accomplishment in self-directed, guided steps of 'doing the right thing' helps with changing mental thought processes, and outlook for the client aka patient. (Psychological counsel)

 
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