Sunday, August 5, 2012

Vote Grumpy, 2012!

As the 2012 Presidential campaign goes on, I think it's time that I introduce more of my platform.

Certain phrases will be retired, or have strict limitations on them:

The words "artisan" and "artisanal" can only be used to refer to products manufactured by a company with fewer than 20 employees, and cannot be used for anything naturally grown (like lettuce, FFS). If it's not handmade, it's not artisan.

The use of the phrase "reaching out" and its derivatives will be punishable by death. I am sick of hearing "I'm reaching out to you today" or "We're trying to reach out." Bullshit. Do you say "I reached out to Mom to wish her a happy birthday?" No! You freakin' called her. Or sent her a card. Or email. Or whatever. "Reaching out" is what you do when trying to get pancake mix off the top shelf.

"Reaching out's" evil twin "touch base" will also be banned. Not only is it stupid, it sounds like a code phrase Jerry Sandusky would use. It will be strictly limited only to baseball announcers where appropriate.

Saying "think outside the box" will be punishable by being interred in a large box. Without airholes.

"Empower" really needs to go. It's stupid. I mean, hell, I empower my kids to take out the garbage, and they still don't. It's condescending. Worst of all, it brings back memories of a horrific blind date I went on in the early 90's where this girl kept saying it. She empowered me to pick a restaurant. She empowered me to order for her. She empowered me to decide what show to go to, and where to have a drink after the show. And after all that she didn't even empower me to sleep with her.

Want to use the phrase "push the envelope"? Under President Grumpy you'll be sealed in a big paper envelope and pushed into the Grand Canyon.

Do you always "give 110%"? Good. Because pretty much all it says is that you're a moron who failed 3rd grade math. If you're caught saying it when I'm in office you'll be sent back to grade school. And have to sit in one of those tiny desks.

The Disney company will be forbidden to use the word "classic" in advertisements for pretty much anything. And they can't use artisanal, either.

There will be a minimum wait time of 25 years before Hollywood can even think about remaking a movie. Violators will be forced to watch the new "Total Recall" until they gouge their eyes out.

The phrase "goes" to refer to people speaking will be replaced by the rightful "says." Believe it or not, this one drives me crazier than any of the above. It started when I was in High School, and just keeps spreading. Like Ebola.

Politicians who espouse screaming and yelling at the opposition will be dropped into a desert with an equal number of equally stubborn people from the other side, under circumstances where their mutual survival depends on finding ways to work together and be polite. This will be aired as a TV show called "Modern Sandbox," with advertising revenue and T-shirt sales going toward the national debt.

Remember: Vote Grumpy in November! Unlike my competitors I actually have my birth certificate immediately available (sort of - I think it's in an old briefcase in the back of my Dad's closet) and I don't own an Olympic horse that I'm spending $77,000 per year on. I've also never driven with a dog strapped to the roof of my car. And I've never been to Kenya. Or Africa. Or the moon. After all, these are the REALLY important issues you should be paying attention to, not silly things like the economy or women's rights. And, like any good politician, I'm for sale. Someone (hell, anyone), please buy me. I take Paypal.

61 comments:

Anonymous said...

You forgot "speak to." Half of the guests on NPR news programs say it: "I can speak to that." No you can't; it's a topic, not a sentient being.

aryanhwy said...

If you add bans on going "from strength to strength" and describing competitions as "hotting up" (can you tell I'm watching the BBC's Olympic coverage?) you'll have my vote.

Jessie said...

I would add referring to the weather as an event. Why do the self-important weather announcers use the phrase a rain event or snow event even when it simply rained or snowed? It may have been a hurricane or flood or blizzard but all of those are sufficient. The word event does not add meaning!

Anonymous said...

Dear Future President Grumpy,

I would appreciate your abolishing "expanding our capacity" and "leveraging our assets." That, and the use of the word "like" as interjection, space filler, and inappropriate modifier.

God bless you, sir.

bobbie said...

I'd like better working conditions for nurses, please...

Anonymous said...

After all the posts that have made me laugh helplessly, I'm finally de-lurking to comment on this one.

I love you Dr. Grumpy.

Library-Gryffon said...

If you'd add "impact", as in "The recession is impacting tax revenue.", I'd join your campaign. It's so ubiquitous that I caught myself using it the other week, and was suitably mortified.

jen said...

"Concerning," as in "I find it concerning that" will be *strongly* discouraged.

"Servicing," in the context of "you've reached the voicemail of xxxx. I can't answer the phone because I'm servicing another customer" will be outright banned.

On the other hand, surely there are better ways to discourage too-early remakes than the new Total Recall, given that IMHO it's better than the original and it's been 22 years

Anonymous said...

if you come and finish rounds for me today, I'm sure it will impress some of my coworkers and get you lots and lots of more votes (plus, wording might expand your platform).

Angelina said...

Add to your list this phrase, which is often in letters "I'd like to say.." and You've got my vote!!!

You're priceless, I can't afford you!

lightning said...

When somebody wants to "think outside the box", I think of kitty litter. I do *not* want the cats "thinking outside the box".

A "classic" should be at least 100 years old, except for cars. Pre-1950 for cars.

"Violators will be forced to watch the new 'Total Recall' until they gouge their eyes out." About five minutes, then. Just make sure the concession stand has plenty of sporks.

ronstew said...

The phrase "was like" to refer to a person having spoken should also be replaced by the rightful "says."

Ami said...

Okay, I would vote for you already because you have a terrific sense of what's bullshit... but could you please add the phrases 'going forward' and 'looking to'?

"Going forward, you will not be able to use a restroom while you work, you peon." And, because peons get tired of shit like that, "We are looking to hire some new peons."

What do you say?

Mama D said...

Will you solemnly promise not to robo-call me the week of the election to remind me to vote if I donate to your campaign?? ;).

Bruce H. said...

>> It started when I was in High School ...

Nah, buddy. It started long before you were in high school.

Moose said...

Sorry, Doc. I vote for Optimus Prime.

http://www.voteprime.com/2005/07/ask-not-what-optimus-can-do-for-you.html

It's tradition! He'd vote for YOU!

Hildy said...

Sorry. Can't resist echoing Bruce. It started WAAAY before you were in HS. I'm much older than you and I vividly recall having brilliant conversations with friends that relied entirely on the verbs goes and like. For example: "He goes, 'Yes,' and I was like 'No way.'" OTOH, "He said 'Yes,' and I said 'No'" does lack color and emphasis for which even eye rolling cannot compensate.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I stand corrected.

Anonymous said...

Apologies Dr. G. but am guilty of the "goes" thing. Off to the verbal debtor's prison with me then. Yes, correct usage should be says or said or had said or will possibly say. However, the nonmentionable g "verb" has become rather ingrained in the common vernacular. Ban them all.

James said...

I'm saving my vote for the candidate who promises to eradicate misuse of the word "literally" (usually to mean "figuratively"). Though I'm generally supportive of any candidate opposed to the verbing of nouns.

lbparker said...

Cthulhu for president. Why vote for a lesser evil?

Though, if you promise to outlaw the apostrophe used to indicate plurals instead of used properly for possessives, you might get my vote anyway!

People seem to think that acronyms need an apostrophe when they're plural: CD's instead of CDs. I see it everywhere, even professional publications. Drives me crazy.

bill said...

Oh, Ibee, you're the best (along with all the previous commentors). "Goes" definitely has to go, but my two stomach-turners are *infrastructure* (which must refer to molecules and atoms) and *pro-active,* which must mean that i'm *con-active,* or *pro-passive.*

There are others, but you hit on the big ones.

Stay well; we need you.

-bp

Amygdala said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I suggest adding "incentivize" to the soup--it'll be a win-win situation for everyone.

Anonymous said...

You had me early on but sold me on this

"Politicians who espouse screaming and yelling at the opposition will be dropped into a desert with an equal number of equally stubborn people from the other side, under circumstances where their mutual survival depends on finding ways to work together and be polite. This will be aired as a TV show called "Modern Sandbox," with advertising revenue and T-shirt sales going toward the national debt."

Because we all know this would actually work. Dead serious. It would be more popular than Jersey Shore or the Kardashians or however you spell it.

Flo said...

"closure" drives me nuts.

Anonymous said...

I think you and I are totally on the same page here.

a.generic doc said...

Vote Grumpy.

He will not reach out to you, or touch base with you. He won't think unless he's in a box and while his needles may electrify your muscles, they won't empower you. While he will send you a bill inside an envelope, he won't push that envelope to you. He's not a 110%er. And he has been known to watch old Disney movies but doesn't find them classic or classy. He won't finance the production of any new movie with your campaign contributions. And when he goes, he's not talking to you, but actually trying to get somewhere. He won't scream at the opposition, nor will he use ALL CAPS when commenting about them in a blog post.

Vote Grumpy.... the man who knows how your brain works!

Kim said...

Can we get rid of 'organic' as well? I am tired of everything being organic. I saw an energy drink with 'organic caffeine' at the grocery store today. Good lord.

Stephanie said...

Can we add "caught up with" as a prologue to an interview? We all know you had to make an appointment. Makes me cringe every time!

tbunni said...

So, having stated your very compelling platform, I only have one question left before I cast my vote: Do you have enough hours in your day to run the country, and to continue to practice yak-herding, er, neurology? Our country has survived morons in the White House before, and will presumably survive many more, given what we have to work with - BUT there is only one Dr Grumpy, Neurologist to keep us sane. Please consider your answer carefully, as the fate of the nation, nay - of the world - rests upon your reply!

Gracie's Mom said...

If I was an American I would vote for you. I had to go to the States on business and it was the first time I ever heard someone say " I can't speak to that" rather than " I don't know" or " I have no comment". To an outsider it was really quite comical. My favorite part was when someone in the audience mentioned the explosion of bedbugs in New York and the speaker said quite seriously " I can't speak to the bedbugs." My first thought was why would one even want to. Maybe the poor guy needed to "think outside the box" and actually listen to what he was saying.

Gracie's Mom said...

P.S. In Canada if you are servicing a client chances are you are you are a woman of ill repute.

Andy Syms said...

Sadly Dr Grumpy, being on the wrong side of the pond I can't vote for you, but I would if I could.

If you do get elected could you please outlaw the use of 'for free'. Everybody knows it should be 'for nothing' or just plain 'free' for cripes sake!

Luckymom22 said...

Please add "At the end of the day..." Please.

Anonymous said...

"Transformation," "transformative," and all its derivatives.

"Went missing" for "disappeared."

Titan Mk6B said...

What about "give back"? I think that shold be on the list.

bookbug said...

This is how you know you should actually run, Dr. Grumpy. You're not even on the ballot yet and people are already telling you how you can do the job better. XD

Though, to add a personal plea anyway, I'd like the death penalty to be considered for egregious offenders of your/you're and to/too/two. What say you?

Andy Syms said...

@Bookbug: +1 but you left out there/they're/their, loose/lose and then/than.

HTH.

jimbo26 said...

At 163cm I'm " vertically challenged " .

Sal Paradise said...

I am in agreement with Library-Gryffon on the topic of the use of the word impact, and quote that great linguist, Calvin:

"Verbing weirds language."

I'm voting for Ibee Grumpy this November - I've done worse!

CrownedwithVictory said...

Epic and revolutionary need to go. Those words do not go together with toilet bowl cleaner and TV sit coms.

Packer said...

Didn't even look at Grumpy over the weekend and already he has forged some sort of bi partisan partisanship of cross aisle synergy that will take us to the next level of proactivity so that all peoples of our great nation are fully engaged.

southern doc said...

"Room" as a verb (very big in medical practice transformation circles these days as they move us to a revolutionary new paradigm of health care delivery)

Anonymous said...

Oh, please add two more to the banned list...I'm tired of people who are "dialoguing" when discussing a meeting topic, and those who are "just talking out loud here" when they want to offer their opinions but don't quite dare to express them!

23 Skidoo said...

Everything everyone said above plus...

Instant death for anyone that says "Impactful"

Instant classic-re Disney... is oxymoronic, like jumbo shrimp..

Bob@thenest said...

You have my vote, but please note that use of "Take a listen..." by news people cause automatic channel changing here.

PortiaChalifoux said...

You won't win, Dr. Grumpy. You need a veep, and the only two who would do with your platform are dearly departed: Edwin Newman and Molly Ivins.

How I long for a yak herder cum neurologist president who would bring his cabinet to heel by mandating daily grammar and word usage briefings alongside the national security briefings. The daily presser would be mind boggling!

Long live dictionaries and Wordnik! (and your platform)

RehabRN said...

Grumpy:

Yes! Turning verbs into nouns never solved any problems. Please abolish this practice and let verbs exist as verbs as they were meant to do.

I'm glad someone finally has a grammatical platform I can agree with.

And please abolish "bidness" too while you're at it! OMG!

Anonymous said...

I'm with Flo on 'closure', and partially agree with Kim. 'Organic' should be strictly a term in chemistry, to refer to carbon-based molecules. Can we also please get rid of 'impact' as a verb, unless we are referring to things crashing into hard objects. 'Impact' should not be used as a synonym for 'affect'.

Anonymous said...

So I'm a medic at a volunteer fire department. Sometimes we go on technical rescues or water rescues that require us to "reach out" to our patients. Can we file for an exemption so we can continue to "reach out" to our patients? Otherwise, we'll need to find a new way of performing these operations!

Anonymous said...

Why stop at screaming politicians?
I know of some screaming/foaming religious people who should "benefit" from your proposed laws.

Losara said...

Wow! Living up to your name with this blog. I'm scared!

danielle said...

I want you to "own" your campaign - and get rid of this use of "own"...

medexaminer said...

If it's not too late, I would like to add "find ourselves" to the list of despicable terms. (As in, once again we "find ourselves" at a critical decision point.) It sounds like we all just woke up from an absence seizure in the middle of a cage of chimps. Most of the time, it's a completely unnecessary intro line, popularized by politicians and dramatic communications majors.
-DME

cfg said...

You have my vote, even if you don't incorporate all the other suggested planks in your platform.

cliffintokyo said...

If you "create a level playing field" (so we can all be millionaires) and then abolish this monstrosity of a phrase for ever, I'll vote you in for the next 50 years.

Dude'sDoctorMom said...

Unpack, to refer to anything except a suitcase, as in "let's unpack this concept", which, when uttered in a meeting, has me wretching.

Ms. Donna said...

Ban and destroy "impacting." Or the misuse of "Impacted." Please.

And the misuse of the useful word, "Impact."

Add that to the platform and you have my vote.

Barb said...

I promise to vote for you if you promise to ban "Join the conversation". If I hear it one more time on NPR or anywhere else,
I swear I'll have to impale my ears with two flaming Q-Tips.

AlphaIntrusiveSleepGirl said...

If it wasn't for your blog, I'd forget that physicians are people inside. Lmao. Are you hiring? Cuz I hate talking to every patient like they are a five year old child. A trucker is a trucker, you better have answers to an engineers 800 irrelevant queries and grandma wants yes or no.

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr. Grumpy,
Please add "prolly" to the banned list. Is "probably" REALLY that hard to say or spell out? Thanks. By the way, please put me down for one Sandbox T-shirt size Large.

 
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