Monday, August 10, 2020

Sixteen Tons

Hi, this is Craig.

So, while Frank has been bagging groceries for the summer, I've been working for Tiffin Deliveries, picking up food from various restaurants and dropping it off at a variety of houses, businesses, apartments, and the occasional parked car (really!).

Basically, I'm the messenger. So I get blamed when things go wrong. Restaurant burned your food? Hey, I didn't cook it. You didn't get enough ketchup? Again, that's not me. During this viral summer restaurants are stapling delivery bags closed and leaving them on a table outside, so I can't eat your stuff, sneeze in it, or toss in the extra 3 packets of pickle relish you wanted - especially since many of you seem to think of the extra mustard needed AFTER I've left the restaurant.

To get this job I had to go through an extensive background check, which consisted of me emailing my name to a guy on the other side of the planet. He responded within 30 seconds that I'd been cleared, so I'm pretty sure all he did was type "Craig Grumpy mass murderer" into Google to see if it returned any hits.

Of course, this job has its highlights, which explains why Dad told me I should put it on his blog.

The best part of the company's app is for special instructions, where people get to type in pretty much whatever. This has included requests for me to pick up laundry while I'm getting your lunch, asking if I happen to know a good roofing service, and if Local Grocery has hand sanitizer in stock (I texted Frank for that one).

I think my favorite set of instructions so far was this:

Orders like that make me wonder if I'm on Candid Camera. Then I have to go to the place's counter and put in the order, knowing how ridiculous I'll look, since this specific dive won't accept them from the app. I felt like Jack Nicholson ordering toast.

Another great order was this one:

Fortunately, that order was pretty easy to fill, though I have to wonder where this lady previously got her tacos from.

I also got an order from a guy who lives across the street (literally) from a McDonald's to get him a Big Mac and fries (simple, huh?). BUT he wanted it from a specific McDonald's that was a 20 minute drive from his apartment.

Lastly, I got an order to run to Blazing Ketchup. They got the order right, and I made it to this guy's office within 10 minutes of picking it up. So I'd like to thank him for recognizing my effort:


fiberman said...

It's possible - just barely possible - that House O' Pesto serves penne, marinara, and meatballs in other combos, but doesn't have penne + marinara + meatballs as a menu item. So if that's what you want, the only way to get it through Tiffin is to order something else and substitute everything.

Cite: Married to a person who uses this method to order a "stealth" menu item from a popular chain.

Ruth said...

I laughed. But I shouldn't have. As someone who spent this whole mess working something close to double shifts at an "essential" retail position, I sympathize. And I feel sorry as hell for all those highschool kids for whom this was their first job ever. Cause this has been a hell of an introduction to working with the general public!

bobbie said...

Well written, Craig! Think of your job as a character-building exercise for the future ~

A. Marie said...

Well done, Craig. Thank you for both your service to the idiotic general public and your contribution to the more discriminating readers here.

And Dr. G: Any chance of a guest post from Marie, now that Frank and Craig have both weighed in (and shown that they inherited Dear Old Dad's sense of the ridiculous)?

Ms. Donna said...

Craig, thank you. My mother has dementia and still tries to get in the kitchen (knives are locked up and I have diddled the oven knobs.) Result? Ruined meals.

Food delivery drivers have saved the day more than once. So while I can't fix the tip, you have this old lady's thanks.

Maxie said...

LOL Craig! On Saturday I met the delivery guy outside and asked why I couldn't order iced tea from the website, but I could get an iced coffee with my salad delivery. He said "No speak English. Just deliver." I got it.

I'll take my iced tea beef up with the restaurant.

Thanks Craig, for your hard work, putting up with lunatics like me, and a good laugh.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking the guy with all the substitutions could've done with a butane burner, a jar of Prego or Ragu marinara sauce, some frozen turkey meatballs and a pan of penne al dente and skip the Fettucine Alfredo for Penne al fresco Ragu (or Prego) on the balcony or the fire escape with a side of steamed broccoli for a little vitamin K.

Powers said...

"Blazing Ketchup"??

jono said...

I have been volunteer grocery shopping for others since March, but your experiences are much more entertaining.

gloriap said...

Dear Craig: Loved your report. You will understand your dad's disdain for stupid people by the end of the summer. It would never occur to me to order delivery of restaurant food. I'd eat PBJ first. I hope most of your tips are much better than One-Cent-Bozo's. Some people are either really rude or really cheap or maybe both.

gloriap said...

This summer will certainly expose you to the truth that some people can be cheap, stupid, entitled, and just plain nuts. Don't let it color your view of Human Nature, just continue to be aware of the possibilities. Stay safe, please.

Packer said...

All the Grumpy family have really cool jobs,

Packer said...

How do the Grumpys get such cooljobs

ScanningHertz said...

Maxie -- I'm wondering how you make iced tea beef??? Is there also an iced coffee beef?

Shash said...

ScanningHertz, I can make a beef tea but but icing it would just cause it to congeal and you wouldn't be able to use a straw.

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