Monday, September 2, 2019

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.


British police have apologized after what they previously described as a "huge drugs bust" turned out to be vegan cake mix.

Staff of Purezza, a vegan restaurant, were transporting a large amount of vegan cake mix in a suitcase when it was confiscated at Gatwick airport by transportation police.

After identifying the powder as cake mix, the bags were returned to the restaurant. The staff has offered the police free cake, though at press time the police haven't accepted.


An 80 year-old woman had her vehicle stolen. While she was asleep in it.

Police say the lady had dozed off after parking her car, and when she woke found herself lying in the driveway. She had no recollection of being taken out of the car.

The car has since been recovered.


No one was injured when a bear landed on a police car.

In an unusual chain of events, a Humboldt county sheriff's deputy was driving on Route 96 when a bear fell off a steep embankment and landed on his patrol car. The hood and windshield were smashed.

The surprised officer lost control of his bearmobile, which slammed into the embankment, rolled onto its side, and burst into flames.

This resulted in a small forest fire, that burned about half an acre.

The officer was unharmed.

The bear fled the scene, and was not available for comment.


Anonymous said...

Smokey's supposed to prevent forest fires, isn't he?

Anonymous said...

Maybe the bear had been eating some of Humboldt county's famous agricultural products.

The Jersey Devil said...

Look, I had to get to the State Capitol in time for the Mullet Day parade, and my car was in the shop. What else was I supposed to do?

Anonymous said...

The deputy bearly escaped.

tbd88 said...

In late fall of of 2001 while people were receiving envelopes with various bad things in them, some "suspicious white powder" was found on the floor of the administration building at my college. I came out of class to see trucks from the FBI, the CIA, Hazmat teams, and camera crews from all local networks, so I walked in the other direction to the parking lot, got in my car, and went home. The next day the testing was complete and the powder was:

Toilet cleaner that apparently had fallen off a maintenance cart. The building had been evacuated and authorities called over Ty-D-Bowl.

William said...

That is too much! The bear was unavailable for comment.

Shash said...

Classmates of mine got busted for having a baggie of baking soda. They had run out of chalk for their pool cues. That story was hilarious because those classmates were, indeed, the local school dealers.

I'm still trying to deal with the thought of waking up on the driveway, minus car and keys. How can you sleep that hard when behind the wheel of a car, even if the car is turned off? I want to sleep like that!

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