Monday, December 5, 2016

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

This time of year festive is everything. We all want to look festive, act festive, and be so sickeningly festive that total strangers will give us money to go away.

Of course, all this festivity comes to naught if your anus doesn't smell equally festive, too.

Fortunately, Tesco (the same company that brought you horsemeat burgers and bolognese sauce) is, for a limited time only, selling...

Mulled spice scented toilet paper!

Yes, now you can smell holiday-fresh EVERYWHERE (and I mean everywhere). But you better hurry, because this cosmetic necessity is only available until December 23.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! If having an invigoratingly holiday-smelling rectum isn't enough for you, you can now get mulled spice scented toilet bleach! Just in case Santa needs to use the john and puts his head below the rim to make sure you're on his nice list.

And (I SWEAR!) this toilet bleach is not only scented, but the site says it's safe for use by vegetarians and vegans.


Anonymous said... for use by vegetarians and vegans

This is a tongue-in-cheek reference to something unrelated. The British £5 note has recently been changed from "paper" money to something made out of plastic. The intention is reasonable - to extend the lifespan of a note in circulation.

However, apart from the new note looking rather toy-town, it has been discovered that a tiny amount of tallow is used in the manufacture.

There have been a raft of "news" stories over here about vegetarian restaurants and Muslim temples refusing to have anything to do with them. The majority of us are laughing at the snowflakes and offering to help them in the obvious way....

Anonymous said...

If I don't see the word "artisanal" on the label, I won't buy the product, no matter how festive.

Packer said...

Spice your anus from the top down, never from the bottom up. Mexican and Thai work well for this.

Anonymous said...

How about frankincense and myrrh?

Migraineur said...

Wow! A fun way to end up with a UTI if you've got fragrance issues

Shash said...

The TP is almost as good as when I went for my age-50 butt-scope. Unbeknownst to me, he had given me a floral scent bomb. I went home, sat down on the toilet and farted the scent of flowers out my ass. No lie.

I think I need these products. It will give the sewer rats a pleasant surprise.

Glen said...

Dr Grumpy,

Your field is disturbingly lacking in Holiday scents. Next fall, may we expect the Dr. Grumpy line of scented skin prep and electrodes? Of course Pumpkin Spice, but Mulled Spice might be good as well.

This could be a great business for the expanded Grumpy Empire.

Glen in Texas

Locations of visitors to this page